Bring It On 2012!

2011 has been a year of ups and downs, chaos and peace, frustrations and hurdles, and, most importantly, love and support. All in all, it really has been a great year. As 2012 approaches I look back and decide what I want to take with me and what I want to leave in 2011. Tonight is a great time for release and renewal, which I have been doing a lot of this past year. With this global energy happening, it will be a great time for clearing out and taking steps forward with a fresh, new vigor. 

I have endured quite a bit over my almost 32 years here. Self protecting is an old habit I have been trying hard to break. It’s hindering me from experiencing life and love fully. This is something I want to leave behind. A few years ago I took my power back. My heart doesn’t need to be protected anymore, it needs to be shared. The Cuban in me is very passionate. I have the capacity to love greatly, I just have to allow it. I have to break down the walls, do the energy work and forget about the risks. It’s time to leave all of the crap of the past 31 years behind me and only take love into year 32 (my birthday is right after the new year begins).

Out of curiosity, I began to look back over a few of last years blogs. My first blog of 2011 was “If I Knew I Could Not Fail”. I was happy to look back at it and see myself already taking steps toward everything I had listed. The first thing I had listed was, “If I knew I could not fail I would fall in love”. If I haven’t already, I am about to. I met someone shortly after writing that blog, but it has taken me until now to work through the issues I needed to get through to let him in. 

Also, on the list was losing the weight and getting in shape. As most of you know, I started on this one in October. I went to the gym with my Dad and Step-mom and kind of enjoyed it. I had been looking into gyms before I Christmas break. With their gym you can join on a month to month basis, so I may try it for a month when I get back. Even without the gym, I have the Wii Fit and workout videos I have been doing at home. My last weigh in I was down 15 pounds and last time I went shopping I was down 2 sizes.

The last one involved getting back on stage and working on my craft. I have been working with the IQ Players, as well as playing in the annual Christmas musical at my church. I have seen a big difference just in the last year. It was really cool to see how much I have taken on life in the last year. Not to mention, I went back to college and am already working on a web design career. I am still nannying and loving every moment of that, too. 

I am pleasantly surprised at what I found. It is interesting to be able to see my growth for myself. Even though it shows itself in many ways throughout my life. There is something about having that direct comparison to really see where I have was and how far I’ve come. I’m stronger than I thought I was, and so are you. Run the fear, don’t let the fear run you. This is the time to take life by the horns and make it go the way you want it to go. Release what no longer serves you and walk into the new year ready to love life and take life on with love and power. Let’s rock 2012, it’s going to be our best year, yet!

The Downside of Single

Most of the time I enjoy being an independent, strong, single woman, but when you have weeks like this past one it would be kind of nice to not have to be alone. Holding yourself up can get weary. Just as trying to force yourself to keep it together so you don’t completely fall apart. Don’t get me wrong, my life is full of love, and I love my life. It just seems like there is something I’m missing out on.

On Wednesday I was informed that my grandmother, the person who had the biggest hand in raising me, is in not doing well. She has been in rough shape for years now, but finding out that she was not only not well enough to leave her assisted living to attend Thanksgiving, but that my dad and my aunt had begun making the funeral arrangements hit me hard. 

It feels as though the end of an era is near, and the transition might not be so easy for me. Knowing what I know of death, I understand it as a right of passage. I know that it is a beautiful thing for the person passing on, but it is us that remain here on Earth that struggle with being left behind without the people that have been huge staples in our lives. People you could never imagine having to get through your existence here without. I spent a lot of time hugging onto every pillow I could find and crying on Wednesday (and a little today as I have been writing this). 

As I have said before, affection is my main love language. If you want me to know you love me hug me, hold my hand, kiss my forehead, play with my hair, rub my back, pretty much anything that involves touch. Something I have always dreamt about since I was little was being held when I cry. I cant even remember the last time I had that. In a lot of ways it’s my own fault. Crying used to mean weakness to me, or that I let “them”, whoever they may have been at the moment, get to me so I would hide it. I still tend to hide it, maybe out of habit. I’m not sure, but I have gotten better about talking about it afterwards, so, yay, progress. 

Something you should know about me. My relationship with people doesn’t end when they leave the Earth plane. I still talk to relatives and friends that crossed over years ago, some before I had even known them in this lifetime. I also have what I like to call my Ethereal Posse consisting of my Guides and Angels that I communicate with. Therefore, our relationship will probably even improve after she passes. For the past few years she has been very week. It’s hard to imagine she is the same woman that held the family together at one time. She taught me to be strong. Since she has been sick, Dad, Tia and I have all three taken on her strength. We’re all grasping the concepts she has been trying to beat into our heads our entire lives. Family is the most important thing. Always. She told us that all the time in as many different ways as she could. We were to forgive each other for anything and everything, no matter how bad it was. Believe me, it got pretty bad sometimes. She wanted more than anything for everyone to just get along and be happy. She knew despite all of the crap we all had a lot of love for each other. In her weakness, we have been forced to take over her roll in keeping the family together and attempting to keep the peace. I have to admit, we got the easy part. She had to hold everything together through a bunch of hot tempers and my pain-in-the-ass teenage years. The crazy part was that she never seemed to wear out back then. She showed me unconditional love. She showed me how to love hard, and play hard. We weren’t to take life too seriously. Laughing is essential, and when it is time to celebrate, you celebrate. Nothing bad that is going on your life and nothing you did ever exists at Noche Buena. Noche Buena is a huge celebration every Christmas Eve night that my family does, and has done since way before I was born. It’s family, it’s fun, it’s laughter, it’s joy, it’s music, it’s dancing, it’s food, it is the craziness that I have come to cherish. It is the one thing I WILL NOT MISS every year. Everyone attends and we all get to just be together, have a great time, and celebrate how awesome our family is. My Cuban Heritage is a part of me that I am eternally grateful for, and I learned it from growing up with Abuela and Abuelo. I’ve always embraced it and I love every bit of it.

She has definitely left her mark on our family. It has not been easy watching her slowly weaken, but none of us can deny the parts of us that came from her. Her legacy will never fade. I plan on passing down what I learned from her to my children and grandchildren. 

This was one hurdle I prayed I wouldn’t have to jump alone. A lot of my life I have taken care of myself. Emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, I had to learn to handle whatever I could handle on my own for the most part. I always thought it would be nice to have someone to go to no matter what, no matter when. Someone who could love me through my crazy. Someone who could back me up so I didn’t always have to stand alone all of the time. Normally, I don’t have a problem with being single, but this week gave me an idea of what I have been missing out on. I always had an idea, but the fear of actually having it was way bigger than my desire for it. After much healing that is no longer the case. I am content with my life, and happy with myself. Although it normally doesn’t bother me, every once and awhile my singledom just gets, well, noticeable.

Girl, Interrupted

This is a blog I’ve been wanting to write since December 20, 2009. That was the day Brittany Murphy left this earth. Far too soon, if you ask me. She was only 32. Most of you probably know her as Tai in Clueless, Daisy in Girl Interrupted, Sara in Just Married, or maybe Molly in Uptown Girls. Her list of Filmography goes on and on. When I met her she was between Drexell’s Class and Almost home. She was 15, I was 13. 

I’m not sure what had been keeping me from writing this, but with her birthday just passing and the two year anniversary of her death around the corner, I feel like it’s time for me to speak out about what I went through and the impact she had on my life in the little time I got to spend with her. 

There was a time in my life where I felt like nothing. I was worth nothing, I deserved pain and punishment, and my mere existence was what I had done wrong. I could love, but I could not show it because I would only get hurt due to the fact that I was not lovable. I didn’t bother looking in the mirror because I was disgusting. When i had to look in a mirror, I learned to hone in on what I needed to be paying attention to so that I would not see the whole. I would throw off the kids that bullied me as I agreed with their accusations. I would tell them. “How do you think I feel? You can just walk away, but I’m stuck with me.” I meant it. To the core of my being, I wanted to escape myself. I felt trapped in my body, trapped in this existence with no way out. As, I’ve mentioned before, the bullying didn’t stop when I got home. It was hard to find a safe place where I felt accepted. 

The suicidal thoughts ran rampant through my middle school years. To the point where I actually attempted it a few times (side note - no one found out about the suicidal attempts unless I told them many years after the fact).  I didn’t want to survive past my school years because I had been completely convinced that I was going to fail at life. Even though I had been pretty independent for years without realizing it, I thought “the real world” was going to be worse than school ever could have been. Anything I felt was belittled or berated so I learned to feel nothing. My temper got hotter, but damn it, I didn’t cry. Not in front of anyone. The emotional pain that I felt on a pretty constant basis was on an ineffable level. It caused physical pain in my body. Pain that I felt I deserved, just for being. I was in the way. Taking up space that could better be used by anything else. Preferably something store bought that doesn’t make noise. I was a burden that got passed around from person to person as they told each other “You deal with her.” When that got old I was taken to “professionals” with the attitude of “There’s something wrong with her, figure out what it is and fix her.” I say this because no actions were taken outside of that. Few people have even taken the time to understand any of the “afflictions” that I was diagnosed with al those years ago. 

It was the summer of 1993, before I was about to go into my last year of middle school.  I was at one of the lowest points of my life. My mom saw that some of the kids from Kids Incorporated (one of my favorite shows at the time) were going to be at the local mall. Being the tomboy that I was, I really didn’t know a lot about dressing up and make up. So, I put on a pair of Umbros with a t-shirt, threw a headband in my bob of a haircut, grabbed the video camera and was on my way to the mall. 

When I got there they were rehearsing, so my mom and my aunt went shopping while I watched the rehearsal. It was Eric Balfour, Brittany Murphy, Brian Friedman and Hayley Johnson. They had formed a singing group called Blessed With Soul. Once they finished rehearsing, I started heading upstairs to find my mom and my aunt. I got into the elevator and found myself in a conversation with the four of them, along with Hayey’s little sister Ashley Johnson, who was on Growing Pains at the time. We ended up hanging out until they had to head back to L.A. 

Each and everyone of them made a huge impact on my life (Especially with Eric giving me my first kiss that day). Seeds of love and acceptance were planted, and later on self worth bloomed. 

For the moment, I want to focus on Brittany and what she brought into my life. 

I could see the moment we met how full of love and joy she was. In a time of darkness, the light was shinning bright. So bright that there were a lot of things that I was seeing and feeling for the first time, or at least for the first time in a really long time. I could see a hint of something lovable in myself. I felt accepted, and the friendship felt unconditional. At the time the majority of my closest friends were guys. Brittany showed me what it was like to have a real girlfriend. Someone that was honest, caring, kind, and could see things in me that I couldn’t see in myself. We spent a lot of our time together arm and arm, just being girls. Being silly, laughing like crazy. For the first time, I felt what it was like to have a good group of friends. People that didn’t just want something from you, and were going to deny they even knew you behind your back. These people, they were the real thing. They showed me the type of person I wanted to be, and the type of people that I wanted to hang out with. I wanted to have to make people feel the way Brittany made me feel. No matter who you were, you felt loved around her. Anything that was wrong did not exist when she was there. She helped me see that I had a light like hers within me and I just had to let it show. 

I got a lot of hugs that day, which to those of you who know me well, affection is my drug of choice, but sometimes I have to settle for chocolate. I wanted to go with them, but I knew I couldn’t, so I had to figure things out where I was at. Luckily, I met Aixa my 8th grade year, she is just like a sister to me to this day. That next summer, I met my other “might as well be my sister”, Erin. They both had a big hand in helping me stay out of that hole I was in before I met Blessed With Soul. I couldn’t ask for better best friends.

Since my school years I have found my circle of friends growing more and more loving as time went on. My healing and my growth has brought me to a place where I am beginning to let my light shine brighter than it ever has. I am confident and secure in who I am. I like who I am, and I like that I am not like anyone else. Brittany showed me what it looked like to be a loving person and a good friend. The seeds that she planted in me have helped the beauty in me bloom into what it is today. The suicidal attempts stopped the moment I met her. The suicidal thoughts lessened, and eventually, after high school, stopped. Then it was finally my turn to find out who I was, and really begin the transformation into the person I want to be. 

Thank you, Brittany, for being a light in the darkness, for showing me the type of person that I wanted to be, and for showing me unconditional kindness. With the heart and voice of angel, you, along with Eric, Brian, Hayley and Ashley changed my life forever. For that, I thank you all.

May you rest in peace as you sing and dance among the angels.

Brittany Anne Murphy - November 10, 1977- December 20, 2009

DISCLAIMER

As my blogs get deeper and deeper, some of you might be a part of some the issues that get brought up. Know that when I speak of my past it is just that my past. It is what I have experienced, what I have learned, what I have survived, what I have overcome. IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU! It is about my experiences. I am using them to help and encourage others. Few comment publicly, but in my walking life I get a lot of positive feedback. I get calls, texts, conversations with the people in my life that I didn’t even know had been reading my blogs. It warms my heart to know that I am making a difference, and only puts even more of a fire under me to keep writing and reach deeper and deeper into myself and share even my darkest experiences. Without the darkness we could not fully appreciate the light. My dark times have made me the loving person that I am today. I know what it is to hurt and I wish it on no one. If you are offended by anything I write, I urge to go within yourself and find out why, so you can, as Victoria says, “Build a bridge and get over it”. I write my life experiences with the intent of lifting others up, and giving them a glimpse of the beauty that could be waiting on the other side of whatever they’re going through. I hold no anger towards anyone or anything I’ve gone through. Everything and everyone has brought something to my life. Lessons and experiences all build strength and character. Everything helps make you into the person you are meant to be, and it’s not always an easy lesson.

So, if you read my writing and begin feeling offended, keep repeating, “It’s not about me.” until you believe it. The stuff that I write about is usually resolved in my mind (unless I state otherwise). If it’s something weighing on you that you feel needs resolution than contact me. I’m pretty easy to talk to for the most part. 

Chasing Love

“Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn't give freely by another person, it isn't worth having.“ - Darla

I wrestle with this. I’m not sure why, but I do. Hopefully, I will find my answer in writing this.

 There once was a girl about the age of 19. New in town, Christy made some friends at the drug store where she had gotten her first job outside of the family business where she spent her childhood and most of her school years. It was summer break after her first semester of college. She figured new town, new job, new adventure. Most of their nights involved piling up in her car and driving all over town, sometimes aimlessly, and sometimes with a plan in mind. She knew she was the closest with Michelle, so she would be the first to get picked up and the last to be dropped off, so they would have plenty of time to talk. 
One fateful night, Christy went to pick up Michelle who came out with phone in hand, threw it in the back seat of the car and stated that she was in a bad mood. She wasn’t sure why, but she just was. After they grabbed James, they went on to pick up Kylie and her brother, Aaron. They decided to head back to James’s neighborhood. Christy came to the first stop sign and didn’t see anything. As she crossed the intersection an enormous SUV going 80 mph shot out from the bottom of the hill and hit the little compact car right between the two tires on the the driver’s side. 
They all somehow survived, but not necessarily is one piece. Christy had broken her pelvis is 3 place, broke a vertebrae and had internal bleeding. Kylie had, also, broken her pelvis. Aaron and James had broken their jaws, and Michelle had severe bruising where Christy had been thrown on top of her and had bitten through her tongue. Christy, with the brunt of the damage (which she was grateful it was her as opposed to any of them), was stuck in ICU for two weeks and then sent to spend a month or two in the rehabilitation unit. 
When she got home, they were all there. They all spent the night for the first few nights, then James had to go home. Kylie and Aaron stayed for about a month, and Michelle never really moved back out. Christy was grateful to have her friends with her. It was so nice to know that everyone cared so much. Especially, since she was still on a walker and confined to the house for the most part. Due to the steps, she only got to leave to go to rehabilitation once a week, with the exception of going on the back porch. Her friends kept her spirits up and kept her from becoming terribly bored. 
As time went on, she began to see something in Aaron. Something special. Due to the age difference there was going to be no acting on it, but they became close friends and remained so for about a year or two after. Christy moved back to her hometown and shortly after received news of a lawsuit where Kylie and Aaron’s parents were trying to sue her for reckless endangerment. She was instructed to cut contact with them. Luckily, They only had a few months left to find and get papers served to her and they weren’t able to do it. It’s not surprising with her lifestyle at the time. She had been in college and working. Work was near her mother’s house and school was near her grandmother’s house, so she was living out of the back of her car, sleeping somewhere different almost every night. A lot of weekends were spent over 2 hours away with her other set of grandparents. She wasn’t intentionally running, things just worked out that way. She didn’t understand what they wanted from her. She had nothing to get. She was driving a 1986 LeBarron and making less than $200 per week. She didn’t understand why they wanted to take what little she had. She was shown a copy of the lawsuit and was told ”This is what they think of you.“ So, naturally, she assumed it was true, they hated her. Brokenhearted, she kept moving forward without looking back. 
Her and Michelle were pretty good about keeping in touch. MIchelle married James and had a little girl and little boy with him, whom Christy was absolutely in love with from they day each of them were born. She actually got to be in the room with Michelle when the little boy was born. It was an incredibly amazing experience. 
8 years after Christy lost touch with them, Christy and Michelle reunited with Aaron and later with Kylie. Christy was delighted at the sound of Aaron’s voice. The love was still there, but she knew he could do so much better than her, so she continued to keep it to herself. After our first conversation with Aaron, Michelle made a comment about something Christy had said about another guy. ”Why would you do that?“, Michelle stated with a hint of pain in her voice. ”What? What did I do?“, Christy said in a state of confusion. ”Why did you talk about that guy?“, Michelle asked. ”He asked!“ 
Then came the statement that altered the next 2 years of her life, ”Christy, he’s been in love with you since we were teenagers!!“ 
”Wait! What? Are you serious?.....................I never knew....................I didn’t think.................but, I was in love with him, too.“ Christy stumbled over words, trying to make her thoughts come out with a little bit of coherence. Her heart jumped up into her throat, as she was thrown into the chaos of her thoughts and emotions. 
 Christy had often been accused of being in love with love. She’s a passionate person who has a tendency to feel things very deeply. When she hurts, it tears her up. When she’s happy, she’s ecstatic. When she’s sad she feels it it her bones. When she loves, she loves hard. 
This piece of information was almost her permission to let herself love him hard. Nothing else seemed to matter anymore. She fell too hard too fast without taking into account where he was in his life. All she could see was the kindness of his heart and the love in his eyes. She missed what he was doing to himself, and couldn’t understand why he was doing the things he was doing to her. She fought to help him. She fought to show him love. She fought to be there for him. She fought to be in his life. 
He could see clearly where he was and didn’t want her to end up there with him, and he wasn’t ready to give it all up, yet. He thought she would keep waiting. She wanted to, but it got to the point where she realized she was the only one fighting, and had to let go. She was spent. Completely exhausted with no energy left to continue fighting. She fought for over 2 years. She felt she had to. She was convinced that in the end, he would get it, and he would give in to his feelings and they could just live happily ever after. it never happened. He shut her out of his life. She continued trying to fight, but hit a brick wall. There was nowhere to go from there. Something in her wanted to keep fighting, but there was nothing left to fight for.

 Here I am two years later. Am I doing it, again? Just with a different person? It’s not quite the same intensity and pain that it was with Aaron, but am I the one doing the work, again? It’s almost as though I fear it won’t come so freely if I don’t chase it down.
 I didn’t realize it because it feels a lot different this time. With Aaron there was this darkness there. It was painful. He would do something great, and then shut me out. Then he would come back and be great and then shut me out, again. Hot and Cold by Katy Perry was his designated ringtone. The constant rejection hurt a lot, but for some reason I felt like I deserved it somehow. As if I was doing something wrong. It’s almost as if the chase had hindered it’s ability to come freely. Maybe it never would have, no matter what I did.
This time it feels a lot lighter. I’m in a happier place, and opposed to fighting, I am working on myself and putting myself out there. I feel like it is healthier this time. Instead of fighting for him, I am using the take-action energy to work on myself and become the woman I want to be. I have done a lot of releasing and opening up my heart in order to be able to love everyone better, not just him. My confidence has built up to a healthy level and I am learning to take better care of myself. Have I been doing a lot of the work? Probably. Is that a bad thing? I don’t know. Maybe it is.
Like Darla was saying, maybe now that I have done what I need to do, it’s time for me to sit back, enjoy him, and just let things happen as they will. If it’s meant to be, than there is no need for me to try to make it happen. It will just happen on it’s own.

Am I on the right track here? Comments and advice welcome :)

Metamorphosis Moments

I find it fascinating how the right person at the right time can inspire you. Making you want to be the best version of yourself that you can be. Even if it was always was your true desire to be your best you, sometimes it takes that one person to put a fire under you. When that happens it can change your life forever. Your desires become action. Your actions become change. The change is so prominent that you, yourself, can see it happening right before your own eyes. I am in one of these metamorphosis moments in my journey and it’s very exciting. I can see myself taking better care if me, loving and accepting me. I am embracing who I am and running with it, while at the same time striving to be even better. I have to be straight with you, though. It hasn’t all been roses and chocolate covered strawberries (wow, I just realized where mind is at...haha). There are always rough spots, but getting through them is where the walls begin to come down, and the bondage, fear and old thought patterns begin to break down and be replaced with more loving thought patterns, and an openness and acceptance that comes with releasing the fear. Releasing seems to have been the word of the month for October. I had an intent in mind. Something that I have always wanted to change in my life, but never knew how. My love life. It turns out the beginning of that process was releasing. The intent, to release anything that is blocking me from loving relationships. What did I have to release? Well, pretty much everything. That was how it felt anyhow. Different things would come up from throughout this life and sometimes past lives. I had to feel the emotions that were still there attached to them, experience it, mourn it, put love on the situation and release it, which often involved crying it out. Crying is something I didn’t used to do very much, up until the last few years anyhow, when I got serious about healing myself and my life. When I did cry, I would make sure I was in a place where no one would ever know about it, and to this day there are people in my family that think I never cry. I still don’t like to do it in front of most people, but I have been blessed with a very loving support system now, and have found myself crying to them a time or two. It’s actually a very healing process. Crying releases toxins from your body that build up with hurt and anger. Once I got through all of the releasing I was onto the next step, which was not so fun at first. I had to learn to be vulnerable. In order to be taught that I was put in a vulnerable place in my life. This particular lesson started with a panic attack. Once I was able to calm myself down enough to go within myself and get the guidance I needed to figure out why this was happening (it’s the counselor in me, I always want to know why), I was told to let myself feel the vulnerability and learn not to be afraid of it. You see, it wasn’t the vulnerability that was causing the me to panic, it was the fear. It took a few days for me to fully grasp the lesson, but once I did I felt amazing. I have never felt so open, free and happy. The rewards are already coming to fruition and it is exciting. I am having so much fun. In striving to better myself I am becoming more and more the woman I want to be. I don’t normally get this deep on these blogs. Or maybe I do, I don’t know. What I do know is this isn’t necessarily something I would have shared, but for some reason I was led to share it. I’m guessing someone somewhere needs to hear about it, so here it is. Whoever you are, I want you to know that you are loved. You are wonderful, amazing and worthy of giving and receiving love. You are perfect as you are. Don’t be afraid to love yourself or anyone else. You deserve what you want. You deserve the best life has to offer. Don’t let the tough times bring you down. Ride the wave and learn from it and you will come out better and stronger once it’s over. And yes, it WILL be over eventually. You will be laughing and having the time of your life before you know it. Take good care of yourself. Don’t be afraid to let yourself fly. You can do it. I know you can. You can have a support system if you just ask for it. Find the encouraging people in your life. If you can’t find any, get in touch with me, because to me, you matter. Let yourself play, have some fun. Laugh. Smile. Dance. Whatever it takes. Find your happy. Know that my love goes out to you. Love and Light, Holly

Journey of Happiness

There seemed to be something special about today. It was a normal Monday in the life of Holly. Subbed, nannied, Jenny Craig, came home. It sounds mundane when I put it that way. Let’s start over. I had my appointment at Jenny Craig this morning. I am down another 2.5 pounds totaling 9 pounds so far in the last 3 weeks. So, I was happy about that. My consultant wasn’t there, but the other consultant I spoke to was great as well. I’m always happy to see Jackie, too. She is the manager at my local branch and I have to say they all believe in me in a big way causing me to walk out with an extra bounce in my step every week. Then I was off to Chrysalis to substitute teach. I love it there, it’s like it’s own little family, and it is full of some fun and fascinating people. It’s a place that is full of love and joy for me. There is always a lot of laughing, a lot of hugs and a lot of deep conversations. I get so much pleasure out of getting to know these kids and the staff. It is impossible to leave without your spirit being lifted just a little bit higher than it was when you walked in. The kids I nanny for, who have become as good as family to me (their whole family has become like family to me), attend that school, so when schools over it’s time for my one on one time with them. I could have the worst day ever and my heart will still smile when I’m with them. I can’t help it. I love them. (I have a third job that I work occasionally in web design. I’m still learning, but I enjoy it. It’s fun for my brain to create and work on puzzles.) Tonight, when I got home, I did quite a bit of journalling along with some intention setting. There is a lot that I am tackling right now, but I am enjoying it. It’s opening me up to so much. Not only am I breaking down walls in the health aspect of my life, but, also in may other avenues. I am learning to embrace my femininity, which can be a challenge for a recovering tomboy. I am learning to give and receive love, allowing myself to trust others and to trust myself. I am working on getting “Miss Hollywood” back. All depending on how long you have known me (not how well, how long) you may be wondering what I mean. Miss Hollywood (or one of it’s many variations that was used: Hollywood, Holliswood, Hollywoo, Miss Wood...haha, That last one’s a little funnier at 31) was one of my nicknames as a kid because you couldn’t keep me off of a stage....and because my name is Holly. There is something so freeing about dancing, singing, acting and music. I want it back in my life. With Metaphysics of Christmas rehearsals starting back up, it’s time tackle those issues and break down those walls, too. I am striving to be the best me I can be (all while working and going to school). As hectic as my life may get sometimes, I love it all. My jobs, school, my friends, my family, my spiritual family, my friends that might as well be family, my church, the people there, my classmates, my Jenny C family, my incredible support system, helping kids, helping people, love, guidance and growing myself. If you told me 20 years ago that I could be this happy, I probably would have told you to “shut your pie hole” (Hey, I was only 11). I never imagined it. Even 10 years ago, I was happy, but never imagined it could get this good. I can already see love growing and beauty growing in the world all around me. Things are only going to get better and better, and that excites me.

The Break Up I Never Got Over

I was 3 years old at our first introduction. I didn’t understand the relationship or the feelings that came along with it, but as I grew, the love grew. We lost touch when I was about 5, but we reunited once, again in the fourth grade when I joined the chorus. We were together until graduation. My only solace, sometimes, my only friend.
It was the stage, and when I was on it, it was the only time I felt truly at home. Nothing could tear me away from it. The rejection, discouragement, getting picked on, made fun of. Even when I gave up everything else, I had managed to hold on to that part of me.
I didn’t always think very much of myself throughout my school years, and even for a while after. I felt ugly, fat, gross, dirt, worthless, unattractive, stupid, the list goes on and on. Despite all of that, I kept getting on stage every chance I got. I auditioned for everything, hardly ever getting anything, but I kept trying. I was on the colour guard, I was in chorus, show choir, step team, gospel choir, whatever I could get into. I’d be at the school until all hours, and I loved it. As much as I was able to at the time, anyhow. Plus, it was better than being at home, attempting to please my mom’s husband by doing everything I can to keep my existence from him. I was not to be seen or heard. When I was the hatred was too much for me to bear, so it was easier to get lost in movies and TV shows until I could leave, again.
Despite my multiple involvements, I still didn’t fit in, but when it came to being on stage, nothing else really mattered. In high school, I discovered the joy of musical theater. Freshman year, I didn’t make it into the musical, but due to my fascination with it, I ended up at almost every rehearsal just watching. I felt comfortable and at home in the theater. I spent a lot of time there when I wasn’t at other activities. My sophomore year I made it into the chorus line of Bye Bye Birdie. I didn’t care who I played, as long as I was there and a part of it. It changed me, and my obsession with musical theater grew.
After high school, finding as stage wasn’t that easy anymore. Luckily, I was home alone a lot, and at least I was able to sing and practice and play around with songs without bothering anyone. Then it happened, I came across auditions for West Side Story in a South Florida newspaper, went for the audition and left with the role of Consuelo. It was the time of my life. Not only was I doing what I loved, but I was getting paid for it. Unlike my previous experiences, I made friends. Friends that I felt really enjoyed me for who I was then. I felt like this big mess, but to them I was more than fine the way I was. I was surrounded by the brilliant talents, who would compliment my talent. I always used to say that I had way more heart than I had talent, but for the first time, I doubted that. I felt talented, I felt likable, I felt like I actually fit. I was a part of all of the fun, as opposed to just hearing everyone talk about all the fun they had the day after. At the end of the show, I moved back to Georgia and they all threw me a going away karaoke party. It was such a cool feeling.
I moved in 2003, and I never really went back. That was the break up I never recovered from.
Sure, I did a Christmas show, at a church, here and there, sang in a few choirs, but that was more like dating guys that looked just like the guy you can’t get over, but they could never really be him. Something about it, just wasn’t the same.
It still hurts sometimes to not have that in my life, but I’m just not sure if it is something I can get back. I still dream about it, though. That God moment when the curtain goes up, and you are on your way. All the behind the scenes moments. The games you play, the lessons you learn from each other, there’s nothing about it I don’t like. Even the treacherous rehearsals, I enjoy every moment of it. For some reason, maybe a few different reasons, I gave up on myself all those years ago. I gave into the voices telling me to stop. The voices that told me time and time, again, that I shouldn’t be doing it with the way I look.
Fortunately, I have come a long way sense then. I’ve got my confidence back and those voices no longer hold the power. I’ve been working on a few plays this year with the church I attend to get my feet wet, again. I have found a few theater companies in my area. I may even get involved with the musical theater program at the college I am attending. Maybe I can get it back. It’s worth trying for. Apparently, I had what it takes back then (and I look pretty much the same, I guess), who says I don’t still have it. Just because I haven’t tapped into it doesn’t mean it’s not there.

Be Kind to One Another

Just saw this post and on this “You Know You Are From Fer-syth County if?” Facebook group. The only reason I even decided to check it out was due to the cute comments being posted by a family friend. I went on there expecting to see other people posting cute things about how Cumming used to be. I guess I didn’t even remember how Cumming used to be and how there are still many today that reject change and are stuck in really old thinking patterns. It saddens me that people still think this way. I guess it’s hard for me to understand prejudice thinking being born and raised in the melting pot of the world (South Florida) as a half hispanic/ half white little girl. In my world you loved everyone until they give you a reason not to. Race, shape, color, nationality, it only mattered to me as a part of who a person was and I was more anxious to learn about it, than quick to judge it. People’s differences have always intrigued me. I was that girl in school that didn’t have a clique, I intermingled with everyone, and enjoyed every moment of it. I had friends and boyfriends (if you use the term lightly) or every shape, color, ethnicity, etc. In the Cuban culture (which would be my dad’s side of the family) nationality and color are openly used as discriptives, often in the same sentence as hair color, height or eye color. Abuela was kind of bad at remembering names and keeping up with who was who, so my friends would have nicknames or descriptives that would help her keep up with who I was talking about over Cafe con Leche. I had heard certain family members make racist jokes, as much as I didn’t really like the jokes, I figured they were just jokes. I didn’t think people truly felt that way. Until I moved to Cumming for the first time in 1998. Even then, I could tell the culture was behind the rest of the world. I had “Backstreet Chica” (I was a total BSB nerd...haha) on the back of my car and was warned that the KKK could see that and would know that I was “non-white” and might do something to my car. I was advised to remove it. I can see the question marks popping up over my head as I look back on that moment. I was so confused. It was very hard for me to wrap my head around. Discrimination is something I have never understood, and have always been against. So when I see posts like this:

AL - when the entire county consisted of nothin but white people & blacks were scared to come into our neck of the woods.. **Those were the good ol days** ♥

Followed by these comments:

JE - I'm sorry, cause I know some are going to get me on this. But going to Wallie World now is like going to another country. I'm not sure if it's India or Mexico.

LT -  This is such a disgusting, disrespectful post. I don't believe the days when people were too ignorant to understand that they were no better than anyone else because of the color of their skin, were the 'good ole days'. I believe the 'good ole days' are those when everyone woke up and realized God created us all equal. Such a disgrace.

PB - GOD created us all equal and as brothers and sisters, no matter what race, color, etc.

D -  yeah, and just look at how wonderful our county is now that we have "woke up" we're all talking about how good everything was back then. It isn't a disgrace for her to post this. It is her opinion and I happen to agree and applaud her for having the gumption to put it on here. Yes, God has created us all and I am no better than another. we all have the right to say how we feel....even when it isn't "politically correct" Oh and we are not ignorant and our forefathers weren't either.

LT - Im sick of being politically correct....I agree with Ashley!!! It's still odd to see them in Walmart or anywhere else!!! I am glad we don't have section 8, or hoods, or a crime rate!

TB -  I agree with Ashley freedom of speech I was thinking it,. If you cant handle the posts maybe you should leave this group!!!

LT -  I was thinking it too....just ask the security guards at the outlet mall and who does most of the shoplifting!! I used to work there, and I know!

L -  Racism=Ignorance. God=Love. Period.

D -  I look around our county and see alot of trash where there used to be beautiful acres of woods, hayfields, and farms. I miss the way it used to be before everyone decided to move in on us and change our way of life.

L - Let's just see how much ya love em when they break into your car, or, carjack you, or worse!

E - totally agree with you D

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(I left all of the typos in)

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To this I say, your “good ol’ days” that you speak of are in the 1990’s, to the rest of the country it was in the 1950’s and 1960’s. 

Secondly, even back when you were “segregated” (mind you it was still in the late 1990’s when I first moved here and had to hide who I was) there was plenty of crime and drugs, all by the only race you allowed in your county. You may not have seen, but I did, it was there (and no I was not one of them)

Thirdly, Cumming does have section 8 housing. Do some research before you comment, and use spell check. If there is a red dotted line under it, just click on it and the correct spelling will appear. By the way, there are, also, neighborhoods, even back in the 90’s that even pizza men wouldn’t go to. Just because you’ve never seen it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. 

Number Four, I don’t give a crap about being politically correct, however I try do do what is morally and spiritually correct and hate is definitely not it. Hate is not a productive emotion, it only hurts the hater. The person being hated on doesn’t always care all that much. They never care as much as the person doing the hating. It’s wasted energy. 

There is something good about everyday. I know there are a lot of opportunities and blessings and wonderful friends and extended family that I would have missed out on had I discriminated. I thank God that I am wired the way that I am. I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

To all of you old school thinkers, I challenge you to embrace the changes that have been happening around you and give the newer residence in your county an open hearted, open-minded chance. Show them what true southern hospitality is. 

With that, I leave you with a quote from one of my favorite people, Ellen Degeneres.

“Be kind to one another.”

Why I Blog

I’m noticing there are a lot of people are having a hard time understanding why I blog. So here is my attempt at an explanation:

The short answer:
It’s a good outlet.

The not-so-short version:
My blogs consists of my personal experiences and how I feel about them. I don’t use names unless I am bragging on you or quoting you in a positive light, and I know it’s okay to use a name. I don’t use names because it’s not about anyone else. It’s about me. My version of the experience and how it affected me. By sharing it with all of you, I am putting it out there to say that what I am feeling and what I am experiencing is okay. It’s okay to be frustrated, it’s okay to be happy, it’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to be quirky, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to act like a complete nerd. I do apologize if anyone has ever been hurt or offended, but I will not apologize for what I’ve felt and what I’ve been through. It’s made me who I am, and I like who I am. Wether you do or wether you don’t, it’s not going to change me. The only one who can change me is me. If I see something in me that is legitimately hurting someone else, I will take what steps I can to fix it, that is if it is something within me to fix. I am, by nature a healer. I don’t mean to hurt, offend or tear down anyone. As far as I can tell, I don’t think I do.

There is more blessing in it than there has ever been negative feedback. Your compliments on my writing mean more to me than any of you will ever know. It has inspired me to keep going, and continues to reassure me that there is something that I am good at. Some of you have expressed that you have been touched by my writing and you can relate to what I have gone through. I’ve learned I’m not alone. I celebrate with all of you, I laugh with all of you, I cry with all of you, I rant with all of you. That is what makes it such a great outlet. Knowing that someone somewhere hears me. Knowing that somehow, maybe even in a small way, I am making a difference in someone’s life.

That’s what I want to do with my life, make a difference. Help people. To open myself up to others I have to be open and vulnerable myself, hence putting myself out there for everyone to see. It teaches me to better love and be loved.

The truest version of you is the best version of you. People can always tell when you’re trying to be someone your not, and the person you are trying to be is not as beautiful and interesting as the person you really are. Being like everyone else is boring. Light up the world by being you. Who cares if people think you’re weird. What people think of you should never trump being happy and content with who you are.

I am content with who I am and what I’ve had to go through to get here.

........And that is why I blog :)

Finding My Beauty

The end of this school year has been a very sentimental time. With my baby brother graduating from the University of Florida and the elusive summer schedule of someone in childcare. You never know what the summer will bring, and sometimes you are left wondering about the next fall.
So many things are changing and left up in the air, and here I am waiting with much anticipation to see where they all fall into place.
When doors close, more open. It is time to revamp and make sure there is plenty of room for work, school, spirit, family, friends and maybe even romance.
Even if I do end up on a new venture, I will forever hold what I have in my heart. This journey has been incredible and will forever be a huge part of making me who I am and what I have become. I have been so loved and believed in lately, that it has shown me the true beauty that lies within me. Okay, I know many of you who have known me for awhile are picking your jaw up off of the ground right now. I don’t think I have ever referred to myself as beautiful before (It surprised me as much as it did you guys). The love that I have been shown, and the love that I have been able to share have changed me. I am beginning to see myself as God sees me, even as other loving people in my life see me. Lately, I have been able to feel my beauty, and I am no longer afraid to share it. Does that mean I am going to start wearing more make up more often? Probably not (Sorry, Mom). Dressing nicer? I work with whatever I have in my closet.
To me sharing my beauty is loving greater. I am affectionate by nature and it’s time for me to set that free. I used to be insecure about being a loving person. I allowed myself to be made to feel gross. I thought my hugs offended, but they have actually become something I am known for in a very positive sense. I get more compliments on my hugs than I do almost anything else. To me that is beautiful, and I finally feel accepted for who I am. I feel like it is more than okay for me to just be Holly. Nothing more, nothing less. The truer I am to myself the more I realize the beauty in who I am. Other people see it, too. For the first time I feel like people are starting to, not only see me for who I am, but embrace and love that person. Something that, if you had asked me a few years ago, I would have never thought possible. Allowing myself to be who I am, and to love how I’ve always wanted to love has given me wings. It has freed my soul and I can honestly say I have never been happier. From the looks of things, it’s only going to get better. My journey has been incredibly exciting lately. I can’t wait to see what happens next :)

A Plea for Forward Motion

All day I have been listening to the news of Osama Bin Laden’s death. It was discussed in classrooms, discussed on TV, on the radio, on the internet. It was everywhere.
The more I hear about it and the more views I hear, the more I attempt to sort out my feelings about it. I can’t see rejoicing in the death of anyone, but rather I feel sadness that it had to come to this. I’m saddened that 9/11 had to happen and that so many people have died in the process attempting to keep us safe from an attack like that happening, again. I’m saddened to know that there are crazy people out there trying to hurt anyone who thinks a little differently than they do. I feel sorry for Al Quada, it can’t be a good experience living and walking in such extreme hatred. They’re not religious, they are mad. They are to the Muslim faith what Westboro is to the Baptist faith.
I can’t find it within me to hate, but I do hurt for this earth at times. I prefer to spend my time and efforts on the lighter side of life, but this is one of those days that constantly reminds you of the darkness that is out there.
I could never be in the military. I could never see what they see and experience what they experience and survive it. I would never be able to do what they have to do. My friend, Sara, gets onto me about swerving to miss a bird in the middle of the road when I’m driving. I just don’t have it in me. I am so grateful for the people that have the strength to risk themselves to protect me and my loved ones, yet I am saddened that they have to do it. I so wish love could fix this, but it is a concept that these extremists don’t understand. They are trained to kill and trained to die. That’s it. However, can we be sure that killing has ended this? Will there be retaliation? Could it really be over? Oh, how I wish it were. Oh, how I hope it is.
We are all one, therefore we need to stop fighting our own. I wish there was a way everyone could grasp that. The world would be a much better place if we could just learn to see each other for the beautiful beings we all are, as opposed to being so stuck in fear that we feel the need to rise up and fight against anything that’s different. Embrace the differences, you might learn something. Not only about other cultures and belief systems, but about yourself.

Being Different is Normal, Being Normal is Usually Faked.

Renee, one of my Goddesses, wrote this wonderful blog about forcing kids to go to college straight out of high school whether they are ready or not (you can click here to read it). I love so many things that were said there and boy, do I relate.
I was one of those kids who was absolutely not ready for college, but had to go because I was told I had to. If I didn’t do it then, I couldn’t do it later. I majored in what I was told that I was good at as opposed to what I liked to do. I didn’t have the time or the mind space with everyone talking at me to figure out what I really wanted to do. What would make me happy. What I was born to do. I had no idea. My aunt had the closest guess, with elementary education, but in all honesty, I knew I wouldn’t be happy doing that for the rest of my life. What other option did I have? I HAD to do it, and I did. Three totaled cars and a nervous breakdown later, I threw my hands up. I couldn’t do it anymore. It’s hard to bust your butt for a goal you can’t see. Why would you run toward something you don’t want to be anywhere near? I tried to explain why I had to quit and how I was feeling, hoping that everyone wouldn’t be so pissed if they knew what it was doing to me. No one seemed to care. No one seemed to hear me. They couldn’t get passed the disappointment enough to give a damn that college was destroying me.
I am, also, ADD/Dyslexic. There’s a little icing to top off this chaos cake. Something else that people had a hard time with. My aunt was the only one who understood it, she has a Special Education degree. Which leads to my next question, after finding out my diagnosis, did anyone ever ask her about it? Or even bother to look it up to see what it was? Judging by the lack of understanding, I’m guessing no. I think Dr. Therapist was supposed to fix me and send me home.
That was when I learned, I had to look out for myself, because no one else was going to do it for me. I learned that it is IMPOSSIBLE to please everyone else, the only person I needed to please was me.
Self-indulgent? Before the judgements begin, let me share with you a few of the things that please me; Laughing, playing, love, silliness, healing, dancing, singing, music. Making people smile. Making people laugh. Seeing healing and love happening around me. Loving on someone who has been through hell and seeing the pain ease more and more everyday. The hugs I get all day at work. A hot bath and a good book, sunshine, a body of water, dolphins, warmth. Quality time with my Goddesses, soul sisters and/or family. Being surrounded by people I love. Being surrounded by people who love me. Being able to help someone. Being able to uplift someone.
Do you get that following my heart may not be a bad thing, now? It took me a while to find where I fit in. Now that I know, at 31, I am ready and excited to start back to school this fall. I have a goal, something to strive for. I have found what I want to do with my life and it is something that will fulfill me and feed my soul more than anything else i could ever imagine. I found my place, I found my voice, and thanks to all of these years of discovery, I have real world experience. I can jump in with way more than a diploma. Years of experience are worth a lot these days.
Forcing it before it was time only wasted time, money, vehicles and my emotional state. Parents, I encourage you to embrace your child’s journey. If you open yourself up to who they truly are, you will see all that they have to offer. Being different is normal, being normal is usually faked. Let your love and acceptance be truly unconditional, and your child will show you the truest form of who they really are.

How Inner Quest Metaphysical Church Has Rocked My World

Last Sunday I had an “Ah ha” moment as Oprah calls them. I looked around Inner Quest and was able to see, so incredibly clearly, how much I have learned and how much healing has happened, just since August. I fought my way through some emotional breakthroughs and my IQ Family, without missing a beat was there showering me with love, encouragement and guidance as soon as they noticed.
I’m not one to cry when other people are around. I try to keep my issues to myself mostly. Most of my life they were just a burden to those around me, they had more important things to concern themselves with. So, I learned to keep it to myself and figure out some way to cope with it on my own or tuck it away somewhere.
Metaphysics of Christmas brought up a lot within me that I needed to deal with and push myself through. I’ve always loved performing, be it dancing, singing, acting, twirling flags and riffles with the color guard, music..you name it, I loved to do it. I still love it. The last show I did before this was West Side Story back around 2003ish. It was the best experience I had ever had up to that point of my life. I had always felt like my heart and passion far surpassed my actual talent. For the first time, I felt kind of talented. Talented enough anyways. I was, for the first time in my life, 100% accepted into a group of people. When the play ended, I moved away. I tried to get back on stage, but once, again, I found myself fighting against negativity. I was so tired of fighting, so I gave up on myself and gave up everything I love and began to believe all of the ridiculous reasons why I was being told I shouldn’t be doing what I love. I didn’t have a whole lot of self-worth at the time, so it was easy to get to a place dark enough to make me give up. Between working, getting my own place, and becoming sort of a groupie to a local band or two I was able to keep myself distracted. I always missed being on stage, though.
Fast forward to about 3 years ago. It was the first time I had heard about metaphysics and energy healing. I was doing the whole old school sort of church thing at the time, so I wasn’t sure if it was okay. I’ve always had this deal with God, if it’s something you want me to do make it easy, make it happen. By the end of the conversation I not only has an appointment, but it was paid for. Doesn’t get much easier that that, so I went. It was absolutely life-altering, and this huge wave of healing and change began after being stuck for so long.
This past Summer I started getting into the really deep rooted emotional stuff (which I took as a good sign because it meant I made it through all the miscellaneous junk). Maybe a month after I came to that realization I moved to Roswell and found Inner Quest Metaphysical Christian Church, or it found me, however you want to look at it. We found eachother.
My first day there, I nervously entered as the newbie not really knowing what to expect. My last experience with “churches” left a bad taste in my mouth, nonetheless, this felt like a good thing. I was welcomed with a truly sincere warmth, kindness and love. I always felt like other “churches” were nice with an agenda. Not at Inner Quest. They are loving because it overflows from within them and spills out onto anyone that gets close enough. They’re huggers (one of my favorite things about my IQ family) so it’s not hard. I felt very comfortable, it fit like a glove. I felt as though I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
When I first walked in I was still holding that fear of getting too close to people. Afraid I would get hurt if I let anyone in. It didn’t take long for that to lift. I began to realize, IQ is a safe place. I’m not going to get analyzed or judged.
My first day there I heard that they were beginning sign ups for their Christmas Musical. I heard the word musical and was one of the first to sign up. I didn’t realize the adventure that it was going to become. I had gotten a two line solo. The first few rehearsals, what came out of me was horrible, to my own ears, at least, and I knew I was capable of so much more. Still they cheered me on. I figured they were just humoring me. They didn’t know what I was used to being able to do. Those old, discouraging voices I always heard began to haunt me, again. All of the “your not good enough” “you shouldn’t be putting yourself out there with the way you look” “you’re making a fool of yourself” etc etc. I fought through it to the best of my ability, but eventually I got so frustrated that I got teary eyed at the church after one of the rehearsals and attempted to sneak off unnoticed so no one else would have to deal with me. Suffice it to say, my attempt was unsuccessful. Their reaction however was so incredibly contrary to anything I had experienced before. One hug turned into about 10. Everyone unconditionally loved me through it. No one treated me like I was crazy or ridiculous. I got calls later on checking on me to make sure I was okay. Once I got through it, it was never held against me ever again. Once it was over, it was over and we moved forward. I fought off all of the old thoughts and was able to replace them with this new love I was surrounded by. Before I knew it I was busting through walls with ease.
Even just since Metaphysics of Christmas my life has changed. I find myself feeling a lot safer in loving and letting people in. Not that I have mastered it, but I have gotten a lot better. I have to keep my ego in check. Loving is way more important than the fear of getting hurt. Allowing oneself to be loved has proven to be incredibly beautiful, once experienced any risk involved no longer matters.
Do not underestimate the power of unconditional love. It can change lives. It can change the world.
A huge THANK YOU to my Inner Quest family. I love you all dearly, and I have no idea where I would be without you all. Thank you for being a part of my adventure and thank you for letting me be a part of yours. You've already brought me so much love, joy, fun and laughter in such a short amount of time. I wanted to make sure you all know without a doubt how much I love and appreciate every single one of you.

Love and Light! See you Sunday :)

If I Knew Then What I Know Now

“What would you do if you had your current level of knowledge in your high school surroundings?”

This was the question posed in Renee’s Blog Sparks for February. The journals I was reading through before my last post were around the time I got my first apartment (2006 or 2007). Even though it was merely 4 or 5 years ago, it seems like a different era. So much has changed since then.

Renee is taking me back even before that, back to high school, which was over 12 years ago.

I think if I went back to high school in my current mentality things could have been different, but I’m not sure how different I would want them to be. I could have done the whole popular thing, but I don’t think I would have enjoyed it very much. I had friends from every different group, a few really close ones. I, also, had loner tendencies. Especially when it came to certain things that I enjoyed doing, but didn’t seem to fit in with everyone else with the same interest. I don’t know that I truly fit in anywhere, but my love of performing trumped my need for socialization. I was an only child a lot of my life, I remained my mom’s one and only. Despite that there was little to no time or energy to be put into me, so I got used to being alone and doing my own thing, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. I was fine doing my own thing. Even if no one else wanted to do it or if I wasn’t accepted in a certain world, I would do what I wanted to do anyway, and just mind my own business. I would get bullied and put down, but they couldn’t make me quit. I kept going, but I just kept to myself. I didn’t want the drama, I didn’t want to fight. I didn’t think I was someone worth fighting for, but I loved what I was doing too much to let some jerks run me out.
Now, I am even more sensitive to energy, and with my new found self worth, I don’t know that I would have been so quiet and non-chalant. On the upside, their words would not have been able to hurt me as much as they did.
Being more open to love, I think the dances, especially prom, could have gone differently. Prom was a not so great experience, and that is one thing I always wanted to do over, again, and do differently. I usually didn’t bring dates to banquets and dances. The few times I did, they were trying to hook up with everyone else (it hurt especially bad when my date was one of my best friends at the time), so I figured it would just be easier to go stag and dance the night away with my friends. A few people here a CEA have been talking about me helping to plan a prom, so if nothing else, I can make up for it by giving these kids a great prom.
I am grateful that I was never the kind of girl that needed male attention so badly that I would do anything for it. I think I was pretty much the opposite. It was probably hard for anyone to get too close. I got hurt a lot, so I’m sure I had a pretty big wall up. I’m really not sure what difference my current state would have made in those situations. Although I’ve gone through a lot of healing, there is still hesitance when it comes to letting people in. The good ones have the patience to break through what is left of the wall. Those are the friends worth keeping.
I enjoyed my high school days to the best of my ability. I think the biggest difference would be that I’m ready for college, now and I have grown a little more future minded. I’m content with the majority of my high school experience. The friends I had were good quality friends for the most part. I did what I wanted to do, hung out with who I wanted to hang out with and strived to find happy places and safe zones wherever I could (it wasn’t as easy as it sounds, that’s why I was always looking for them). I did the best I could do with what I had, and for me it was enough, even if it wasn’t for anyone else.
Understanding other people the way I do now would probably affect the way I treated people, or my personal feelings for them anyhow. I now understand that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have and my expectations of someone doesn’t mean that they are willing or able to be who I need them to be. I understand that hate is fear based cowardice. Bullying is the way some people cope with being afraid. Putting others down is a way for people to attempt to hide their own insecurities. Seeing the reality in the way I was treated has changed things for me. Putting me down, bullying me, all those attempts at making me feel worthless really had very little to do with me. It was something within them, and picking on me was merely an outlet. Had I known that then, it could have changed things, or at least my reactions to things.
I’m just not sure that I would have wanted anything to change. Maybe it could have been better, but then, again, maybe not. There are a lot of lessons I might have missed out on, but then, again, there could have been easier ways to learn them, but would I have even been able to learn what I needed to learn the easy way. Odds are, probably not.
All in all, I don’t think high school was a time for maturity and wisdom. It was a time for having fun and being carefree. I wouldn't change a thing. I’m content with the way everything has turned out. I am a firm believer that there is a reason for everything, we just have to find it.

Life is Good

I ran across some of my older journals last night and began to read through a few of them. It was interesting to go back to where I was and read about all of things I was going through. Seeing where I’ve been and how far I have gotten since then. So much has changed.
I wrote of the dreadful office job in the back room of a warehouse with no windows and how frustrated I was just to have to get up and go there in the mornings, especially after talking on the phone almost every night until the early morning hours to a friend that I rarely speak to now.
All of the struggles of loving people who simply didn’t love me back, of learning to love myself, and one-sided friendships.
I truly am grateful for all everything I went through because I have learned a lot, and am able to better appreciate what I have now.
I’m surrounded by people who are not afraid to break through the walls and insecurities and love me for who I am. Right through the craziness. I love having people to laugh with, cry with, be silly with and love with. I have 2 jobs and I love them both. Had I not had to endure those customer service jobs stuck in cubicles, I may not have been able to fully appreciate what I do now.
After going through all of those one-sided, drama filled friendships starring me as the resident door mat, I am able to see how far I’ve come. In learning to love myself, I have found my strength. I deserve to be treated better than that.
I lost a few friends along that path, but they were the friends that liked me better as a door mat, and so many more wonderful people came in their place.
I am so glad to be on this part of my path. It’s not so much the destination as it is the journey to get there. I have to admit, I am really enjoying the adventure.

You Are What You Do Everyday

I heard the saying “You are what you do everyday” and looked back on this past week that I have been unable to leave my apartment. I thought about what I have done with the time I’ve had here, and what I should be doing everyday to become who I am meant to be. Everything that is within me that I have been suppressing for far too long, parts of me that I put aside to take care of the day to day.

There is a dancer within me, so everyday I should let her dance. The musician should play, the singer should sing, the writer should write, and the lover should love. To be a student, I should study. To be fun loving and light hearted, I should play. If I want to be a person who touches lives, I must reach out.

Whatever it is within you that you want to be. Find a way to be that everyday, even in a small way. When you are walking a certain path, every step counts.

Love and Light :)


By the way, if you are wondering where I heard that saying, it was Keith Stallworth who plays Jacob in Step Up 3 (it’s in the DVD extras).

If I Knew I Could Not Fail

Last night a good friend of mine posed a fantastic question:

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

Wow! All of these different ideas started rushing through my mind. I was shocked at all of the answers I had for that question, so I figured I would share a few.

- I would fall in love.
Over the years, I have been hurt, betrayed, used, taken advantage of, walked all over, etc. All by people that were supposed to be closest to me. It wasn’t such a big deal when random kids at school picked on me. I didn’t know them and I didn’t care to. It was the people that were close to me, the people that were supposed to be protecting me, the people that were supposed to be on my side that really got to me. Even a lot of the good ones who were really good to me, would disappear. It was very discouraging and I began to grow weary of letting people get too close. It took a long time for me to overcome all of the pain that had been inflected on me time and time, again, year after year. I had lost hope for a while there and even quit dating. Even when things seemed like they were going well in the dating arena, they weren’t. If he was jerk, I’d get rid of the guy pretty quickly. If he was a good one, he would end up randomly falling off of the face of planet. This would happen over and over, again, until finally, I gave in. I threw in the towel. I was worn out.
Being in love is something that I have always wanted to experience. I’ve loved strongly, but without being loved back (as far as I could tell), which to me doesn’t count. Loving someone in such a way who is not capable of loving you back is excruciating as opposed to the joy filled experience I imagine mutually being in love to be.
Now, things are changing. I still have my two best friends that I’ve always had. My relationship with my family has improved greatly. The people surrounding me are absolutely amazing. All of this and more has brought back my faith in people. With that comes a willingness to let people in and a willingness to allow myself to love and be loved. Which is something I’ve been tapping into a lot more lately. I look forward to the opportunity to experience love in the fullest form.

- I would lose the weight and get in shape.
Thanks to P.C.O.S. it is near impossible for me to lose weight. I have to stay active and bust my butt, just to maintain and keep from gaining anything. Due to this, I’ve taken a different approach. I eat what makes me feel good (no red meat, fruit, organic food as often as possible, almond milk, etc). I stay pretty active around the house, even more so now with the Wii Fit (thanks Dad and Ali Ali) and the Just Dance games and Michael Jackson Experience game (Thanks, Tia, for the MJ game). If I could accomplish this one thing, it could help me out in a lot of the other areas.

- I would get back on stage and get serious about learning my craft.
Even though, I know helping kids is my calling. I have no doubt that musical theater, singing and dance all have their place in who I am meant to be. God doesn’t give people passion for no reason. My gift is with kids, while my passion lies in music, performing, dancing, singing, etc. I know in time the two will collide to create my true purpose and who I am truly meant to be. I’ve had to forgive myself for giving up on myself. I had to remind myself that I didn’t have the strength that I have now. I allowed myself to be talked out of my passion years ago. Because of that I know have quite a journey to really get back into it.
I not only want to do musicals, again, but I want to get back into hip hop and maybe even eventually learn how to be a B-girl (breaker-girl). You can thank LXD and Atlanta’s own Burn Unit for that inspiration.

So, those are a few of my bigger ones. Leave some comments below, I would love to hear any answers you all come with :)