I wrestle with this. I’m not sure why, but I do. Hopefully, I will find my answer in writing this.
There once was a girl about the age of 19. New in town, Christy made some friends at the drug store where she had gotten her first job outside of the family business where she spent her childhood and most of her school years. It was summer break after her first semester of college. She figured new town, new job, new adventure. Most of their nights involved piling up in her car and driving all over town, sometimes aimlessly, and sometimes with a plan in mind. She knew she was the closest with Michelle, so she would be the first to get picked up and the last to be dropped off, so they would have plenty of time to talk.
One fateful night, Christy went to pick up Michelle who came out with phone in hand, threw it in the back seat of the car and stated that she was in a bad mood. She wasn’t sure why, but she just was. After they grabbed James, they went on to pick up Kylie and her brother, Aaron. They decided to head back to James’s neighborhood. Christy came to the first stop sign and didn’t see anything. As she crossed the intersection an enormous SUV going 80 mph shot out from the bottom of the hill and hit the little compact car right between the two tires on the the driver’s side.
They all somehow survived, but not necessarily is one piece. Christy had broken her pelvis is 3 place, broke a vertebrae and had internal bleeding. Kylie had, also, broken her pelvis. Aaron and James had broken their jaws, and Michelle had severe bruising where Christy had been thrown on top of her and had bitten through her tongue. Christy, with the brunt of the damage (which she was grateful it was her as opposed to any of them), was stuck in ICU for two weeks and then sent to spend a month or two in the rehabilitation unit.
When she got home, they were all there. They all spent the night for the first few nights, then James had to go home. Kylie and Aaron stayed for about a month, and Michelle never really moved back out. Christy was grateful to have her friends with her. It was so nice to know that everyone cared so much. Especially, since she was still on a walker and confined to the house for the most part. Due to the steps, she only got to leave to go to rehabilitation once a week, with the exception of going on the back porch. Her friends kept her spirits up and kept her from becoming terribly bored.
As time went on, she began to see something in Aaron. Something special. Due to the age difference there was going to be no acting on it, but they became close friends and remained so for about a year or two after. Christy moved back to her hometown and shortly after received news of a lawsuit where Kylie and Aaron’s parents were trying to sue her for reckless endangerment. She was instructed to cut contact with them. Luckily, They only had a few months left to find and get papers served to her and they weren’t able to do it. It’s not surprising with her lifestyle at the time. She had been in college and working. Work was near her mother’s house and school was near her grandmother’s house, so she was living out of the back of her car, sleeping somewhere different almost every night. A lot of weekends were spent over 2 hours away with her other set of grandparents. She wasn’t intentionally running, things just worked out that way. She didn’t understand what they wanted from her. She had nothing to get. She was driving a 1986 LeBarron and making less than $200 per week. She didn’t understand why they wanted to take what little she had. She was shown a copy of the lawsuit and was told ”This is what they think of you.“ So, naturally, she assumed it was true, they hated her. Brokenhearted, she kept moving forward without looking back.
Her and Michelle were pretty good about keeping in touch. MIchelle married James and had a little girl and little boy with him, whom Christy was absolutely in love with from they day each of them were born. She actually got to be in the room with Michelle when the little boy was born. It was an incredibly amazing experience.
8 years after Christy lost touch with them, Christy and Michelle reunited with Aaron and later with Kylie. Christy was delighted at the sound of Aaron’s voice. The love was still there, but she knew he could do so much better than her, so she continued to keep it to herself. After our first conversation with Aaron, Michelle made a comment about something Christy had said about another guy. ”Why would you do that?“, Michelle stated with a hint of pain in her voice. ”What? What did I do?“, Christy said in a state of confusion. ”Why did you talk about that guy?“, Michelle asked. ”He asked!“
Then came the statement that altered the next 2 years of her life, ”Christy, he’s been in love with you since we were teenagers!!“
”Wait! What? Are you serious?.....................I never knew....................I didn’t think.................but, I was in love with him, too.“ Christy stumbled over words, trying to make her thoughts come out with a little bit of coherence. Her heart jumped up into her throat, as she was thrown into the chaos of her thoughts and emotions.
Christy had often been accused of being in love with love. She’s a passionate person who has a tendency to feel things very deeply. When she hurts, it tears her up. When she’s happy, she’s ecstatic. When she’s sad she feels it it her bones. When she loves, she loves hard.
This piece of information was almost her permission to let herself love him hard. Nothing else seemed to matter anymore. She fell too hard too fast without taking into account where he was in his life. All she could see was the kindness of his heart and the love in his eyes. She missed what he was doing to himself, and couldn’t understand why he was doing the things he was doing to her. She fought to help him. She fought to show him love. She fought to be there for him. She fought to be in his life.
He could see clearly where he was and didn’t want her to end up there with him, and he wasn’t ready to give it all up, yet. He thought she would keep waiting. She wanted to, but it got to the point where she realized she was the only one fighting, and had to let go. She was spent. Completely exhausted with no energy left to continue fighting. She fought for over 2 years. She felt she had to. She was convinced that in the end, he would get it, and he would give in to his feelings and they could just live happily ever after. it never happened. He shut her out of his life. She continued trying to fight, but hit a brick wall. There was nowhere to go from there. Something in her wanted to keep fighting, but there was nothing left to fight for.
Here I am two years later. Am I doing it, again? Just with a different person? It’s not quite the same intensity and pain that it was with Aaron, but am I the one doing the work, again? It’s almost as though I fear it won’t come so freely if I don’t chase it down.
I didn’t realize it because it feels a lot different this time. With Aaron there was this darkness there. It was painful. He would do something great, and then shut me out. Then he would come back and be great and then shut me out, again. Hot and Cold by Katy Perry was his designated ringtone. The constant rejection hurt a lot, but for some reason I felt like I deserved it somehow. As if I was doing something wrong. It’s almost as if the chase had hindered it’s ability to come freely. Maybe it never would have, no matter what I did.
This time it feels a lot lighter. I’m in a happier place, and opposed to fighting, I am working on myself and putting myself out there. I feel like it is healthier this time. Instead of fighting for him, I am using the take-action energy to work on myself and become the woman I want to be. I have done a lot of releasing and opening up my heart in order to be able to love everyone better, not just him. My confidence has built up to a healthy level and I am learning to take better care of myself. Have I been doing a lot of the work? Probably. Is that a bad thing? I don’t know. Maybe it is.
Like Darla was saying, maybe now that I have done what I need to do, it’s time for me to sit back, enjoy him, and just let things happen as they will. If it’s meant to be, than there is no need for me to try to make it happen. It will just happen on it’s own.
Am I on the right track here? Comments and advice welcome :)
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