Girl, Interrupted

This is a blog I’ve been wanting to write since December 20, 2009. That was the day Brittany Murphy left this earth. Far too soon, if you ask me. She was only 32. Most of you probably know her as Tai in Clueless, Daisy in Girl Interrupted, Sara in Just Married, or maybe Molly in Uptown Girls. Her list of Filmography goes on and on. When I met her she was between Drexell’s Class and Almost home. She was 15, I was 13. 

I’m not sure what had been keeping me from writing this, but with her birthday just passing and the two year anniversary of her death around the corner, I feel like it’s time for me to speak out about what I went through and the impact she had on my life in the little time I got to spend with her. 

There was a time in my life where I felt like nothing. I was worth nothing, I deserved pain and punishment, and my mere existence was what I had done wrong. I could love, but I could not show it because I would only get hurt due to the fact that I was not lovable. I didn’t bother looking in the mirror because I was disgusting. When i had to look in a mirror, I learned to hone in on what I needed to be paying attention to so that I would not see the whole. I would throw off the kids that bullied me as I agreed with their accusations. I would tell them. “How do you think I feel? You can just walk away, but I’m stuck with me.” I meant it. To the core of my being, I wanted to escape myself. I felt trapped in my body, trapped in this existence with no way out. As, I’ve mentioned before, the bullying didn’t stop when I got home. It was hard to find a safe place where I felt accepted. 

The suicidal thoughts ran rampant through my middle school years. To the point where I actually attempted it a few times (side note - no one found out about the suicidal attempts unless I told them many years after the fact).  I didn’t want to survive past my school years because I had been completely convinced that I was going to fail at life. Even though I had been pretty independent for years without realizing it, I thought “the real world” was going to be worse than school ever could have been. Anything I felt was belittled or berated so I learned to feel nothing. My temper got hotter, but damn it, I didn’t cry. Not in front of anyone. The emotional pain that I felt on a pretty constant basis was on an ineffable level. It caused physical pain in my body. Pain that I felt I deserved, just for being. I was in the way. Taking up space that could better be used by anything else. Preferably something store bought that doesn’t make noise. I was a burden that got passed around from person to person as they told each other “You deal with her.” When that got old I was taken to “professionals” with the attitude of “There’s something wrong with her, figure out what it is and fix her.” I say this because no actions were taken outside of that. Few people have even taken the time to understand any of the “afflictions” that I was diagnosed with al those years ago. 

It was the summer of 1993, before I was about to go into my last year of middle school.  I was at one of the lowest points of my life. My mom saw that some of the kids from Kids Incorporated (one of my favorite shows at the time) were going to be at the local mall. Being the tomboy that I was, I really didn’t know a lot about dressing up and make up. So, I put on a pair of Umbros with a t-shirt, threw a headband in my bob of a haircut, grabbed the video camera and was on my way to the mall. 

When I got there they were rehearsing, so my mom and my aunt went shopping while I watched the rehearsal. It was Eric Balfour, Brittany Murphy, Brian Friedman and Hayley Johnson. They had formed a singing group called Blessed With Soul. Once they finished rehearsing, I started heading upstairs to find my mom and my aunt. I got into the elevator and found myself in a conversation with the four of them, along with Hayey’s little sister Ashley Johnson, who was on Growing Pains at the time. We ended up hanging out until they had to head back to L.A. 

Each and everyone of them made a huge impact on my life (Especially with Eric giving me my first kiss that day). Seeds of love and acceptance were planted, and later on self worth bloomed. 

For the moment, I want to focus on Brittany and what she brought into my life. 

I could see the moment we met how full of love and joy she was. In a time of darkness, the light was shinning bright. So bright that there were a lot of things that I was seeing and feeling for the first time, or at least for the first time in a really long time. I could see a hint of something lovable in myself. I felt accepted, and the friendship felt unconditional. At the time the majority of my closest friends were guys. Brittany showed me what it was like to have a real girlfriend. Someone that was honest, caring, kind, and could see things in me that I couldn’t see in myself. We spent a lot of our time together arm and arm, just being girls. Being silly, laughing like crazy. For the first time, I felt what it was like to have a good group of friends. People that didn’t just want something from you, and were going to deny they even knew you behind your back. These people, they were the real thing. They showed me the type of person I wanted to be, and the type of people that I wanted to hang out with. I wanted to have to make people feel the way Brittany made me feel. No matter who you were, you felt loved around her. Anything that was wrong did not exist when she was there. She helped me see that I had a light like hers within me and I just had to let it show. 

I got a lot of hugs that day, which to those of you who know me well, affection is my drug of choice, but sometimes I have to settle for chocolate. I wanted to go with them, but I knew I couldn’t, so I had to figure things out where I was at. Luckily, I met Aixa my 8th grade year, she is just like a sister to me to this day. That next summer, I met my other “might as well be my sister”, Erin. They both had a big hand in helping me stay out of that hole I was in before I met Blessed With Soul. I couldn’t ask for better best friends.

Since my school years I have found my circle of friends growing more and more loving as time went on. My healing and my growth has brought me to a place where I am beginning to let my light shine brighter than it ever has. I am confident and secure in who I am. I like who I am, and I like that I am not like anyone else. Brittany showed me what it looked like to be a loving person and a good friend. The seeds that she planted in me have helped the beauty in me bloom into what it is today. The suicidal attempts stopped the moment I met her. The suicidal thoughts lessened, and eventually, after high school, stopped. Then it was finally my turn to find out who I was, and really begin the transformation into the person I want to be. 

Thank you, Brittany, for being a light in the darkness, for showing me the type of person that I wanted to be, and for showing me unconditional kindness. With the heart and voice of angel, you, along with Eric, Brian, Hayley and Ashley changed my life forever. For that, I thank you all.

May you rest in peace as you sing and dance among the angels.

Brittany Anne Murphy - November 10, 1977- December 20, 2009