Most of the time I enjoy being an independent, strong, single woman, but when you have weeks like this past one it would be kind of nice to not have to be alone. Holding yourself up can get weary. Just as trying to force yourself to keep it together so you don’t completely fall apart. Don’t get me wrong, my life is full of love, and I love my life. It just seems like there is something I’m missing out on.
On Wednesday I was informed that my grandmother, the person who had the biggest hand in raising me, is in not doing well. She has been in rough shape for years now, but finding out that she was not only not well enough to leave her assisted living to attend Thanksgiving, but that my dad and my aunt had begun making the funeral arrangements hit me hard.
It feels as though the end of an era is near, and the transition might not be so easy for me. Knowing what I know of death, I understand it as a right of passage. I know that it is a beautiful thing for the person passing on, but it is us that remain here on Earth that struggle with being left behind without the people that have been huge staples in our lives. People you could never imagine having to get through your existence here without. I spent a lot of time hugging onto every pillow I could find and crying on Wednesday (and a little today as I have been writing this).
As I have said before, affection is my main love language. If you want me to know you love me hug me, hold my hand, kiss my forehead, play with my hair, rub my back, pretty much anything that involves touch. Something I have always dreamt about since I was little was being held when I cry. I cant even remember the last time I had that. In a lot of ways it’s my own fault. Crying used to mean weakness to me, or that I let “them”, whoever they may have been at the moment, get to me so I would hide it. I still tend to hide it, maybe out of habit. I’m not sure, but I have gotten better about talking about it afterwards, so, yay, progress.
Something you should know about me. My relationship with people doesn’t end when they leave the Earth plane. I still talk to relatives and friends that crossed over years ago, some before I had even known them in this lifetime. I also have what I like to call my Ethereal Posse consisting of my Guides and Angels that I communicate with. Therefore, our relationship will probably even improve after she passes. For the past few years she has been very week. It’s hard to imagine she is the same woman that held the family together at one time. She taught me to be strong. Since she has been sick, Dad, Tia and I have all three taken on her strength. We’re all grasping the concepts she has been trying to beat into our heads our entire lives. Family is the most important thing. Always. She told us that all the time in as many different ways as she could. We were to forgive each other for anything and everything, no matter how bad it was. Believe me, it got pretty bad sometimes. She wanted more than anything for everyone to just get along and be happy. She knew despite all of the crap we all had a lot of love for each other. In her weakness, we have been forced to take over her roll in keeping the family together and attempting to keep the peace. I have to admit, we got the easy part. She had to hold everything together through a bunch of hot tempers and my pain-in-the-ass teenage years. The crazy part was that she never seemed to wear out back then. She showed me unconditional love. She showed me how to love hard, and play hard. We weren’t to take life too seriously. Laughing is essential, and when it is time to celebrate, you celebrate. Nothing bad that is going on your life and nothing you did ever exists at Noche Buena. Noche Buena is a huge celebration every Christmas Eve night that my family does, and has done since way before I was born. It’s family, it’s fun, it’s laughter, it’s joy, it’s music, it’s dancing, it’s food, it is the craziness that I have come to cherish. It is the one thing I WILL NOT MISS every year. Everyone attends and we all get to just be together, have a great time, and celebrate how awesome our family is. My Cuban Heritage is a part of me that I am eternally grateful for, and I learned it from growing up with Abuela and Abuelo. I’ve always embraced it and I love every bit of it.
She has definitely left her mark on our family. It has not been easy watching her slowly weaken, but none of us can deny the parts of us that came from her. Her legacy will never fade. I plan on passing down what I learned from her to my children and grandchildren.
This was one hurdle I prayed I wouldn’t have to jump alone. A lot of my life I have taken care of myself. Emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, I had to learn to handle whatever I could handle on my own for the most part. I always thought it would be nice to have someone to go to no matter what, no matter when. Someone who could love me through my crazy. Someone who could back me up so I didn’t always have to stand alone all of the time. Normally, I don’t have a problem with being single, but this week gave me an idea of what I have been missing out on. I always had an idea, but the fear of actually having it was way bigger than my desire for it. After much healing that is no longer the case. I am content with my life, and happy with myself. Although it normally doesn’t bother me, every once and awhile my singledom just gets, well, noticeable.
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