I was 3 years old at our first introduction. I didn’t understand the relationship or the feelings that came along with it, but as I grew, the love grew. We lost touch when I was about 5, but we reunited once, again in the fourth grade when I joined the chorus. We were together until graduation. My only solace, sometimes, my only friend.
It was the stage, and when I was on it, it was the only time I felt truly at home. Nothing could tear me away from it. The rejection, discouragement, getting picked on, made fun of. Even when I gave up everything else, I had managed to hold on to that part of me.
I didn’t always think very much of myself throughout my school years, and even for a while after. I felt ugly, fat, gross, dirt, worthless, unattractive, stupid, the list goes on and on. Despite all of that, I kept getting on stage every chance I got. I auditioned for everything, hardly ever getting anything, but I kept trying. I was on the colour guard, I was in chorus, show choir, step team, gospel choir, whatever I could get into. I’d be at the school until all hours, and I loved it. As much as I was able to at the time, anyhow. Plus, it was better than being at home, attempting to please my mom’s husband by doing everything I can to keep my existence from him. I was not to be seen or heard. When I was the hatred was too much for me to bear, so it was easier to get lost in movies and TV shows until I could leave, again.
Despite my multiple involvements, I still didn’t fit in, but when it came to being on stage, nothing else really mattered. In high school, I discovered the joy of musical theater. Freshman year, I didn’t make it into the musical, but due to my fascination with it, I ended up at almost every rehearsal just watching. I felt comfortable and at home in the theater. I spent a lot of time there when I wasn’t at other activities. My sophomore year I made it into the chorus line of Bye Bye Birdie. I didn’t care who I played, as long as I was there and a part of it. It changed me, and my obsession with musical theater grew.
After high school, finding as stage wasn’t that easy anymore. Luckily, I was home alone a lot, and at least I was able to sing and practice and play around with songs without bothering anyone. Then it happened, I came across auditions for West Side Story in a South Florida newspaper, went for the audition and left with the role of Consuelo. It was the time of my life. Not only was I doing what I loved, but I was getting paid for it. Unlike my previous experiences, I made friends. Friends that I felt really enjoyed me for who I was then. I felt like this big mess, but to them I was more than fine the way I was. I was surrounded by the brilliant talents, who would compliment my talent. I always used to say that I had way more heart than I had talent, but for the first time, I doubted that. I felt talented, I felt likable, I felt like I actually fit. I was a part of all of the fun, as opposed to just hearing everyone talk about all the fun they had the day after. At the end of the show, I moved back to Georgia and they all threw me a going away karaoke party. It was such a cool feeling.
I moved in 2003, and I never really went back. That was the break up I never recovered from.
Sure, I did a Christmas show, at a church, here and there, sang in a few choirs, but that was more like dating guys that looked just like the guy you can’t get over, but they could never really be him. Something about it, just wasn’t the same.
It still hurts sometimes to not have that in my life, but I’m just not sure if it is something I can get back. I still dream about it, though. That God moment when the curtain goes up, and you are on your way. All the behind the scenes moments. The games you play, the lessons you learn from each other, there’s nothing about it I don’t like. Even the treacherous rehearsals, I enjoy every moment of it. For some reason, maybe a few different reasons, I gave up on myself all those years ago. I gave into the voices telling me to stop. The voices that told me time and time, again, that I shouldn’t be doing it with the way I look.
Fortunately, I have come a long way sense then. I’ve got my confidence back and those voices no longer hold the power. I’ve been working on a few plays this year with the church I attend to get my feet wet, again. I have found a few theater companies in my area. I may even get involved with the musical theater program at the college I am attending. Maybe I can get it back. It’s worth trying for. Apparently, I had what it takes back then (and I look pretty much the same, I guess), who says I don’t still have it. Just because I haven’t tapped into it doesn’t mean it’s not there.
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