The Downside of Single

Most of the time I enjoy being an independent, strong, single woman, but when you have weeks like this past one it would be kind of nice to not have to be alone. Holding yourself up can get weary. Just as trying to force yourself to keep it together so you don’t completely fall apart. Don’t get me wrong, my life is full of love, and I love my life. It just seems like there is something I’m missing out on.

On Wednesday I was informed that my grandmother, the person who had the biggest hand in raising me, is in not doing well. She has been in rough shape for years now, but finding out that she was not only not well enough to leave her assisted living to attend Thanksgiving, but that my dad and my aunt had begun making the funeral arrangements hit me hard. 

It feels as though the end of an era is near, and the transition might not be so easy for me. Knowing what I know of death, I understand it as a right of passage. I know that it is a beautiful thing for the person passing on, but it is us that remain here on Earth that struggle with being left behind without the people that have been huge staples in our lives. People you could never imagine having to get through your existence here without. I spent a lot of time hugging onto every pillow I could find and crying on Wednesday (and a little today as I have been writing this). 

As I have said before, affection is my main love language. If you want me to know you love me hug me, hold my hand, kiss my forehead, play with my hair, rub my back, pretty much anything that involves touch. Something I have always dreamt about since I was little was being held when I cry. I cant even remember the last time I had that. In a lot of ways it’s my own fault. Crying used to mean weakness to me, or that I let “them”, whoever they may have been at the moment, get to me so I would hide it. I still tend to hide it, maybe out of habit. I’m not sure, but I have gotten better about talking about it afterwards, so, yay, progress. 

Something you should know about me. My relationship with people doesn’t end when they leave the Earth plane. I still talk to relatives and friends that crossed over years ago, some before I had even known them in this lifetime. I also have what I like to call my Ethereal Posse consisting of my Guides and Angels that I communicate with. Therefore, our relationship will probably even improve after she passes. For the past few years she has been very week. It’s hard to imagine she is the same woman that held the family together at one time. She taught me to be strong. Since she has been sick, Dad, Tia and I have all three taken on her strength. We’re all grasping the concepts she has been trying to beat into our heads our entire lives. Family is the most important thing. Always. She told us that all the time in as many different ways as she could. We were to forgive each other for anything and everything, no matter how bad it was. Believe me, it got pretty bad sometimes. She wanted more than anything for everyone to just get along and be happy. She knew despite all of the crap we all had a lot of love for each other. In her weakness, we have been forced to take over her roll in keeping the family together and attempting to keep the peace. I have to admit, we got the easy part. She had to hold everything together through a bunch of hot tempers and my pain-in-the-ass teenage years. The crazy part was that she never seemed to wear out back then. She showed me unconditional love. She showed me how to love hard, and play hard. We weren’t to take life too seriously. Laughing is essential, and when it is time to celebrate, you celebrate. Nothing bad that is going on your life and nothing you did ever exists at Noche Buena. Noche Buena is a huge celebration every Christmas Eve night that my family does, and has done since way before I was born. It’s family, it’s fun, it’s laughter, it’s joy, it’s music, it’s dancing, it’s food, it is the craziness that I have come to cherish. It is the one thing I WILL NOT MISS every year. Everyone attends and we all get to just be together, have a great time, and celebrate how awesome our family is. My Cuban Heritage is a part of me that I am eternally grateful for, and I learned it from growing up with Abuela and Abuelo. I’ve always embraced it and I love every bit of it.

She has definitely left her mark on our family. It has not been easy watching her slowly weaken, but none of us can deny the parts of us that came from her. Her legacy will never fade. I plan on passing down what I learned from her to my children and grandchildren. 

This was one hurdle I prayed I wouldn’t have to jump alone. A lot of my life I have taken care of myself. Emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, I had to learn to handle whatever I could handle on my own for the most part. I always thought it would be nice to have someone to go to no matter what, no matter when. Someone who could love me through my crazy. Someone who could back me up so I didn’t always have to stand alone all of the time. Normally, I don’t have a problem with being single, but this week gave me an idea of what I have been missing out on. I always had an idea, but the fear of actually having it was way bigger than my desire for it. After much healing that is no longer the case. I am content with my life, and happy with myself. Although it normally doesn’t bother me, every once and awhile my singledom just gets, well, noticeable.

Girl, Interrupted

This is a blog I’ve been wanting to write since December 20, 2009. That was the day Brittany Murphy left this earth. Far too soon, if you ask me. She was only 32. Most of you probably know her as Tai in Clueless, Daisy in Girl Interrupted, Sara in Just Married, or maybe Molly in Uptown Girls. Her list of Filmography goes on and on. When I met her she was between Drexell’s Class and Almost home. She was 15, I was 13. 

I’m not sure what had been keeping me from writing this, but with her birthday just passing and the two year anniversary of her death around the corner, I feel like it’s time for me to speak out about what I went through and the impact she had on my life in the little time I got to spend with her. 

There was a time in my life where I felt like nothing. I was worth nothing, I deserved pain and punishment, and my mere existence was what I had done wrong. I could love, but I could not show it because I would only get hurt due to the fact that I was not lovable. I didn’t bother looking in the mirror because I was disgusting. When i had to look in a mirror, I learned to hone in on what I needed to be paying attention to so that I would not see the whole. I would throw off the kids that bullied me as I agreed with their accusations. I would tell them. “How do you think I feel? You can just walk away, but I’m stuck with me.” I meant it. To the core of my being, I wanted to escape myself. I felt trapped in my body, trapped in this existence with no way out. As, I’ve mentioned before, the bullying didn’t stop when I got home. It was hard to find a safe place where I felt accepted. 

The suicidal thoughts ran rampant through my middle school years. To the point where I actually attempted it a few times (side note - no one found out about the suicidal attempts unless I told them many years after the fact).  I didn’t want to survive past my school years because I had been completely convinced that I was going to fail at life. Even though I had been pretty independent for years without realizing it, I thought “the real world” was going to be worse than school ever could have been. Anything I felt was belittled or berated so I learned to feel nothing. My temper got hotter, but damn it, I didn’t cry. Not in front of anyone. The emotional pain that I felt on a pretty constant basis was on an ineffable level. It caused physical pain in my body. Pain that I felt I deserved, just for being. I was in the way. Taking up space that could better be used by anything else. Preferably something store bought that doesn’t make noise. I was a burden that got passed around from person to person as they told each other “You deal with her.” When that got old I was taken to “professionals” with the attitude of “There’s something wrong with her, figure out what it is and fix her.” I say this because no actions were taken outside of that. Few people have even taken the time to understand any of the “afflictions” that I was diagnosed with al those years ago. 

It was the summer of 1993, before I was about to go into my last year of middle school.  I was at one of the lowest points of my life. My mom saw that some of the kids from Kids Incorporated (one of my favorite shows at the time) were going to be at the local mall. Being the tomboy that I was, I really didn’t know a lot about dressing up and make up. So, I put on a pair of Umbros with a t-shirt, threw a headband in my bob of a haircut, grabbed the video camera and was on my way to the mall. 

When I got there they were rehearsing, so my mom and my aunt went shopping while I watched the rehearsal. It was Eric Balfour, Brittany Murphy, Brian Friedman and Hayley Johnson. They had formed a singing group called Blessed With Soul. Once they finished rehearsing, I started heading upstairs to find my mom and my aunt. I got into the elevator and found myself in a conversation with the four of them, along with Hayey’s little sister Ashley Johnson, who was on Growing Pains at the time. We ended up hanging out until they had to head back to L.A. 

Each and everyone of them made a huge impact on my life (Especially with Eric giving me my first kiss that day). Seeds of love and acceptance were planted, and later on self worth bloomed. 

For the moment, I want to focus on Brittany and what she brought into my life. 

I could see the moment we met how full of love and joy she was. In a time of darkness, the light was shinning bright. So bright that there were a lot of things that I was seeing and feeling for the first time, or at least for the first time in a really long time. I could see a hint of something lovable in myself. I felt accepted, and the friendship felt unconditional. At the time the majority of my closest friends were guys. Brittany showed me what it was like to have a real girlfriend. Someone that was honest, caring, kind, and could see things in me that I couldn’t see in myself. We spent a lot of our time together arm and arm, just being girls. Being silly, laughing like crazy. For the first time, I felt what it was like to have a good group of friends. People that didn’t just want something from you, and were going to deny they even knew you behind your back. These people, they were the real thing. They showed me the type of person I wanted to be, and the type of people that I wanted to hang out with. I wanted to have to make people feel the way Brittany made me feel. No matter who you were, you felt loved around her. Anything that was wrong did not exist when she was there. She helped me see that I had a light like hers within me and I just had to let it show. 

I got a lot of hugs that day, which to those of you who know me well, affection is my drug of choice, but sometimes I have to settle for chocolate. I wanted to go with them, but I knew I couldn’t, so I had to figure things out where I was at. Luckily, I met Aixa my 8th grade year, she is just like a sister to me to this day. That next summer, I met my other “might as well be my sister”, Erin. They both had a big hand in helping me stay out of that hole I was in before I met Blessed With Soul. I couldn’t ask for better best friends.

Since my school years I have found my circle of friends growing more and more loving as time went on. My healing and my growth has brought me to a place where I am beginning to let my light shine brighter than it ever has. I am confident and secure in who I am. I like who I am, and I like that I am not like anyone else. Brittany showed me what it looked like to be a loving person and a good friend. The seeds that she planted in me have helped the beauty in me bloom into what it is today. The suicidal attempts stopped the moment I met her. The suicidal thoughts lessened, and eventually, after high school, stopped. Then it was finally my turn to find out who I was, and really begin the transformation into the person I want to be. 

Thank you, Brittany, for being a light in the darkness, for showing me the type of person that I wanted to be, and for showing me unconditional kindness. With the heart and voice of angel, you, along with Eric, Brian, Hayley and Ashley changed my life forever. For that, I thank you all.

May you rest in peace as you sing and dance among the angels.

Brittany Anne Murphy - November 10, 1977- December 20, 2009

DISCLAIMER

As my blogs get deeper and deeper, some of you might be a part of some the issues that get brought up. Know that when I speak of my past it is just that my past. It is what I have experienced, what I have learned, what I have survived, what I have overcome. IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU! It is about my experiences. I am using them to help and encourage others. Few comment publicly, but in my walking life I get a lot of positive feedback. I get calls, texts, conversations with the people in my life that I didn’t even know had been reading my blogs. It warms my heart to know that I am making a difference, and only puts even more of a fire under me to keep writing and reach deeper and deeper into myself and share even my darkest experiences. Without the darkness we could not fully appreciate the light. My dark times have made me the loving person that I am today. I know what it is to hurt and I wish it on no one. If you are offended by anything I write, I urge to go within yourself and find out why, so you can, as Victoria says, “Build a bridge and get over it”. I write my life experiences with the intent of lifting others up, and giving them a glimpse of the beauty that could be waiting on the other side of whatever they’re going through. I hold no anger towards anyone or anything I’ve gone through. Everything and everyone has brought something to my life. Lessons and experiences all build strength and character. Everything helps make you into the person you are meant to be, and it’s not always an easy lesson.

So, if you read my writing and begin feeling offended, keep repeating, “It’s not about me.” until you believe it. The stuff that I write about is usually resolved in my mind (unless I state otherwise). If it’s something weighing on you that you feel needs resolution than contact me. I’m pretty easy to talk to for the most part. 

Chasing Love

“Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn't give freely by another person, it isn't worth having.“ - Darla

I wrestle with this. I’m not sure why, but I do. Hopefully, I will find my answer in writing this.

 There once was a girl about the age of 19. New in town, Christy made some friends at the drug store where she had gotten her first job outside of the family business where she spent her childhood and most of her school years. It was summer break after her first semester of college. She figured new town, new job, new adventure. Most of their nights involved piling up in her car and driving all over town, sometimes aimlessly, and sometimes with a plan in mind. She knew she was the closest with Michelle, so she would be the first to get picked up and the last to be dropped off, so they would have plenty of time to talk. 
One fateful night, Christy went to pick up Michelle who came out with phone in hand, threw it in the back seat of the car and stated that she was in a bad mood. She wasn’t sure why, but she just was. After they grabbed James, they went on to pick up Kylie and her brother, Aaron. They decided to head back to James’s neighborhood. Christy came to the first stop sign and didn’t see anything. As she crossed the intersection an enormous SUV going 80 mph shot out from the bottom of the hill and hit the little compact car right between the two tires on the the driver’s side. 
They all somehow survived, but not necessarily is one piece. Christy had broken her pelvis is 3 place, broke a vertebrae and had internal bleeding. Kylie had, also, broken her pelvis. Aaron and James had broken their jaws, and Michelle had severe bruising where Christy had been thrown on top of her and had bitten through her tongue. Christy, with the brunt of the damage (which she was grateful it was her as opposed to any of them), was stuck in ICU for two weeks and then sent to spend a month or two in the rehabilitation unit. 
When she got home, they were all there. They all spent the night for the first few nights, then James had to go home. Kylie and Aaron stayed for about a month, and Michelle never really moved back out. Christy was grateful to have her friends with her. It was so nice to know that everyone cared so much. Especially, since she was still on a walker and confined to the house for the most part. Due to the steps, she only got to leave to go to rehabilitation once a week, with the exception of going on the back porch. Her friends kept her spirits up and kept her from becoming terribly bored. 
As time went on, she began to see something in Aaron. Something special. Due to the age difference there was going to be no acting on it, but they became close friends and remained so for about a year or two after. Christy moved back to her hometown and shortly after received news of a lawsuit where Kylie and Aaron’s parents were trying to sue her for reckless endangerment. She was instructed to cut contact with them. Luckily, They only had a few months left to find and get papers served to her and they weren’t able to do it. It’s not surprising with her lifestyle at the time. She had been in college and working. Work was near her mother’s house and school was near her grandmother’s house, so she was living out of the back of her car, sleeping somewhere different almost every night. A lot of weekends were spent over 2 hours away with her other set of grandparents. She wasn’t intentionally running, things just worked out that way. She didn’t understand what they wanted from her. She had nothing to get. She was driving a 1986 LeBarron and making less than $200 per week. She didn’t understand why they wanted to take what little she had. She was shown a copy of the lawsuit and was told ”This is what they think of you.“ So, naturally, she assumed it was true, they hated her. Brokenhearted, she kept moving forward without looking back. 
Her and Michelle were pretty good about keeping in touch. MIchelle married James and had a little girl and little boy with him, whom Christy was absolutely in love with from they day each of them were born. She actually got to be in the room with Michelle when the little boy was born. It was an incredibly amazing experience. 
8 years after Christy lost touch with them, Christy and Michelle reunited with Aaron and later with Kylie. Christy was delighted at the sound of Aaron’s voice. The love was still there, but she knew he could do so much better than her, so she continued to keep it to herself. After our first conversation with Aaron, Michelle made a comment about something Christy had said about another guy. ”Why would you do that?“, Michelle stated with a hint of pain in her voice. ”What? What did I do?“, Christy said in a state of confusion. ”Why did you talk about that guy?“, Michelle asked. ”He asked!“ 
Then came the statement that altered the next 2 years of her life, ”Christy, he’s been in love with you since we were teenagers!!“ 
”Wait! What? Are you serious?.....................I never knew....................I didn’t think.................but, I was in love with him, too.“ Christy stumbled over words, trying to make her thoughts come out with a little bit of coherence. Her heart jumped up into her throat, as she was thrown into the chaos of her thoughts and emotions. 
 Christy had often been accused of being in love with love. She’s a passionate person who has a tendency to feel things very deeply. When she hurts, it tears her up. When she’s happy, she’s ecstatic. When she’s sad she feels it it her bones. When she loves, she loves hard. 
This piece of information was almost her permission to let herself love him hard. Nothing else seemed to matter anymore. She fell too hard too fast without taking into account where he was in his life. All she could see was the kindness of his heart and the love in his eyes. She missed what he was doing to himself, and couldn’t understand why he was doing the things he was doing to her. She fought to help him. She fought to show him love. She fought to be there for him. She fought to be in his life. 
He could see clearly where he was and didn’t want her to end up there with him, and he wasn’t ready to give it all up, yet. He thought she would keep waiting. She wanted to, but it got to the point where she realized she was the only one fighting, and had to let go. She was spent. Completely exhausted with no energy left to continue fighting. She fought for over 2 years. She felt she had to. She was convinced that in the end, he would get it, and he would give in to his feelings and they could just live happily ever after. it never happened. He shut her out of his life. She continued trying to fight, but hit a brick wall. There was nowhere to go from there. Something in her wanted to keep fighting, but there was nothing left to fight for.

 Here I am two years later. Am I doing it, again? Just with a different person? It’s not quite the same intensity and pain that it was with Aaron, but am I the one doing the work, again? It’s almost as though I fear it won’t come so freely if I don’t chase it down.
 I didn’t realize it because it feels a lot different this time. With Aaron there was this darkness there. It was painful. He would do something great, and then shut me out. Then he would come back and be great and then shut me out, again. Hot and Cold by Katy Perry was his designated ringtone. The constant rejection hurt a lot, but for some reason I felt like I deserved it somehow. As if I was doing something wrong. It’s almost as if the chase had hindered it’s ability to come freely. Maybe it never would have, no matter what I did.
This time it feels a lot lighter. I’m in a happier place, and opposed to fighting, I am working on myself and putting myself out there. I feel like it is healthier this time. Instead of fighting for him, I am using the take-action energy to work on myself and become the woman I want to be. I have done a lot of releasing and opening up my heart in order to be able to love everyone better, not just him. My confidence has built up to a healthy level and I am learning to take better care of myself. Have I been doing a lot of the work? Probably. Is that a bad thing? I don’t know. Maybe it is.
Like Darla was saying, maybe now that I have done what I need to do, it’s time for me to sit back, enjoy him, and just let things happen as they will. If it’s meant to be, than there is no need for me to try to make it happen. It will just happen on it’s own.

Am I on the right track here? Comments and advice welcome :)

Metamorphosis Moments

I find it fascinating how the right person at the right time can inspire you. Making you want to be the best version of yourself that you can be. Even if it was always was your true desire to be your best you, sometimes it takes that one person to put a fire under you. When that happens it can change your life forever. Your desires become action. Your actions become change. The change is so prominent that you, yourself, can see it happening right before your own eyes. I am in one of these metamorphosis moments in my journey and it’s very exciting. I can see myself taking better care if me, loving and accepting me. I am embracing who I am and running with it, while at the same time striving to be even better. I have to be straight with you, though. It hasn’t all been roses and chocolate covered strawberries (wow, I just realized where mind is at...haha). There are always rough spots, but getting through them is where the walls begin to come down, and the bondage, fear and old thought patterns begin to break down and be replaced with more loving thought patterns, and an openness and acceptance that comes with releasing the fear. Releasing seems to have been the word of the month for October. I had an intent in mind. Something that I have always wanted to change in my life, but never knew how. My love life. It turns out the beginning of that process was releasing. The intent, to release anything that is blocking me from loving relationships. What did I have to release? Well, pretty much everything. That was how it felt anyhow. Different things would come up from throughout this life and sometimes past lives. I had to feel the emotions that were still there attached to them, experience it, mourn it, put love on the situation and release it, which often involved crying it out. Crying is something I didn’t used to do very much, up until the last few years anyhow, when I got serious about healing myself and my life. When I did cry, I would make sure I was in a place where no one would ever know about it, and to this day there are people in my family that think I never cry. I still don’t like to do it in front of most people, but I have been blessed with a very loving support system now, and have found myself crying to them a time or two. It’s actually a very healing process. Crying releases toxins from your body that build up with hurt and anger. Once I got through all of the releasing I was onto the next step, which was not so fun at first. I had to learn to be vulnerable. In order to be taught that I was put in a vulnerable place in my life. This particular lesson started with a panic attack. Once I was able to calm myself down enough to go within myself and get the guidance I needed to figure out why this was happening (it’s the counselor in me, I always want to know why), I was told to let myself feel the vulnerability and learn not to be afraid of it. You see, it wasn’t the vulnerability that was causing the me to panic, it was the fear. It took a few days for me to fully grasp the lesson, but once I did I felt amazing. I have never felt so open, free and happy. The rewards are already coming to fruition and it is exciting. I am having so much fun. In striving to better myself I am becoming more and more the woman I want to be. I don’t normally get this deep on these blogs. Or maybe I do, I don’t know. What I do know is this isn’t necessarily something I would have shared, but for some reason I was led to share it. I’m guessing someone somewhere needs to hear about it, so here it is. Whoever you are, I want you to know that you are loved. You are wonderful, amazing and worthy of giving and receiving love. You are perfect as you are. Don’t be afraid to love yourself or anyone else. You deserve what you want. You deserve the best life has to offer. Don’t let the tough times bring you down. Ride the wave and learn from it and you will come out better and stronger once it’s over. And yes, it WILL be over eventually. You will be laughing and having the time of your life before you know it. Take good care of yourself. Don’t be afraid to let yourself fly. You can do it. I know you can. You can have a support system if you just ask for it. Find the encouraging people in your life. If you can’t find any, get in touch with me, because to me, you matter. Let yourself play, have some fun. Laugh. Smile. Dance. Whatever it takes. Find your happy. Know that my love goes out to you. Love and Light, Holly