Love Like Music

I was pondering the words, “I want someone who makes me feel the way music does.” It hit me with such a resonance, that I felt the need to understand what it is that music makes me feel and why. I have always thought of my experience with music as something ineffable, but today I am going to give it a try and see what happens.

Music has always made me feel less alone. It has reminded of the good times and helped me escape the not so great times. I have felt comforted and understood by the right song, at the right moment. Music does’t care what version of me I happen to be that day. It doesn’t care if I am mad, crazy, happy, sad, content, stuck in traffic, in love, frustrated, or emotional. It’s always there without any judgement. I can be exactly who I am with music, and it will always love me back. It is so incredibly important to me that I can always count on it, and I know that it will never leave me. Music is something that no matter what you put into it, it loves you back. It loves you back in the dance, it loves you back in the singing, the playing, or even in just the transcendental experience of the listening.

It is the sound of emotions. It helps you feel things that you may have been afraid to feel. It helps you see truth. It helps you see the world as you want it to be. Music can give you whatever you need, whenever you need it. It will cry with you, smile with you, laugh with you, and even scream when even you can’t. It can express what you are afraid to express, say what you are afraid to say, and encourage you to be what you are afraid to be. 

Music adds flavor to the mundane moments, and emphasizes the more significant moments. It helps you remember what's forgotten, and it helps you forget what you don't want to remember. Loneliness fades. Anxiety falls away. Emotions demand to be felt. Most importantly, it's okay. Whatever you're feeling, it's okay. There will always be a song to help you feel what you need to feel, to help you get through what you need to get through, and to help you rise above whatever needs to be risen above. It can come from a really deep place, and touch a soul in that same deep place. You can connect to it.

Something that I have noticed in my musician friends is that they are true musicians who are true to themselves and true to the music. They share a special part of themselves with those who get to hear their music. That is why you will often see me sharing and promoting for my musician friends. They share a part of themselves that is such raw beauty that I feel like anyone who doesn’t get to hear it is missing out on something really special. 

There is love, healing, joy and companionship in the music. The possibilities are endless. There is no limit to music. With as much music that already exists, there is still so much more to be created. There are so many ways to coexist with and experience music that you will never be bored. There is always something new to do, hear, learn, and create. 

There are people in the world that, much like music, just get you. They add something great to your world, and always seem to understand you on a level no one else does. How lovely it would be to feel understood. How lovely it would be to have another human being accept who you are fully, not in spite of your imperfections, but because of them. How wonderful it would be for someone to see the real you through any facade you present, seeing right through that “I’m fine” exterior, and seeing in your eyes that you could really use a hug right now. How lovely to be seen for all that you are and be loved and accepted as such on so many deep and intimate levels. How beautiful would it be to have someone who let’s you in so deeply that you get to see and love all of the parts of them in return. Someone who wants to share their world with you, and wants to be a part of yours. It is a beautiful thing to know and understand someone so deeply. It is just as powerful to have the ability to see beyond their facade, as it is to have them see beyond yours. To be trusted with every part of a person is a blessing. To be able to love and be loved, to count on and be counted on in the ways we allow our selves to open up to and interact with the music. Oh what a beautiful love that would be.

Caging the Beast

In the wake of Robin Williams death, I have seen an outpouring of love, shock, sadness, and people finding a piece of themselves in his story. People speaking out about their experiences with depression, who are taking this opportunity to help people understand that depression is a real thing. I started to comment on my cousin, Roxee’s, post about the pain of her depression. It started getting pretty long so I decided to make it a blog, because I feel that what I have to say needs to be heard. I will give you a brief look at my depression, but what I think is even more important is what it has taught me.

I have dealt with depression since I was about 5 or 6. I can’t pinpoint exactly what brought it on because there was a lot happening then. I came into this world loving hard, and it didn’t take me long to realize that hurting hard came with that. As, an Indigo kid, I came to this planet with a remembrance of where I came from. So not only was I in a lot of pain growing up that I had learned to bottle up, but I remember how much better things were on the other side. In middle school, it got really hard and I desperately wanted out. Suicidal thoughts ran rampant and I made a few measly attempts that consisted of an attempt to overdose on Tylenol that I found out years later was the equivalent of two prescription strength Tylenols, and sitting in a bathroom with a plastic McDonalds knife for a half hour after which I gave up  because I could barely break the skin. Give me a break, I was 12 and had no idea what I was doing, which I am now grateful for. The suicidal thoughts continued through high school. I had been so convinced that I was useless that I actually remember talking over a plan with God. I wanted to be taken off of the planet before high school graduation. I knew I was going to fail at real life, and if I died then instead of years and years of disappointment, my friends and family would talk about all of the promise I had, and I they know I would have lived up to all of their expectations, if only I had stayed. I knew staying here meant defying all expectations, because I am far from normal, and I tend to dream big, bigger than most of the people around me at the time could understand. The problem with that was I never felt good enough, or worthy enough to chase those dreams until fairly recently. 

I was always alone a lot, I still am, but not as much as I used to be. That gave me way too much time to overthink everything, and for my self talk to get really loud and overwhelming. I tried to numb the pain and quiet my self talk with TV, music, movies, dancing and singing. My mom once told me that the only time I seemed truly happy in middle school was when I was on stage.

Lake Placid was always a good escape from hurting, too. It’s like the pressure was off for a little while, and we just got to play all day. It was always a place where I could find peace and happiness. Even when I was alone there, it was a more peaceful kind of alone.

 

I began therapy around 7 years old, and continued it into my 20’s while I had health insurance. Then I started finding other ways of coping. I found Christianity, and got into the local band scene, which totally fed my love for music. I threw myself into being a fan and friend of a band called Saline (sorry, guys, if you are reading this, I don’t remember what random letters were capitalized. Haha), and then for a band called Crimson Vera. They are all amazing people, and I wanted to somehow, even in a small way be a part of something great. I didn’t know at the time that I was capable of creating greatness, too. I have always had a desire to touch the world, to touch people, to bring happiness, joy and laughter. I just didn’t realize my own power in my life. Live music is still therapeutic to me. I have met so many talented musicians, and made some friends for life in that world. Plus, how many people can say that their favorite musicians know them by name. Haha. It was actually the love, kindness and friendship of one of those musicians that helped me realize my worth. That was when I began to really heal. I had my first Spiritual healing session in 2007. It changed my life. This is when I fell in love with being a healer, and got into metaphysics. I went back every three months for a year and a half until I moved to Georgia, again. I had my own apartment in Florida which gave me plenty of room to heal and grow. My first two years here were kind of chaotic, but once I got into my apartment in Roswell, I was back to healing lifetimes worth hurt in a matter of months. During those first two years I got my Reiki Masters, and began my work as a healer. I have, also, continued to get healing from friends I have made in the metaphysical world.

My healing journey has been a constant one, but I have learned a lot about people in the process. Healing myself and helping others has become a borderline addiction. I love crying it out and then waking up in the morning feeling 30 pounds lighter. Which is weird because I used to hate crying and it was something I would never do in front of people. As a matter of fact, I was really close to the family of the catalyst musician I mentioned earlier. His dad used to make me watch those extreme home makeover shows just to watch me squirm. It would make the whole family giggle. We were close enough that I knew he wasn’t doing it to be mean, just to mess with me. They, also, know that I have a good sense of humor. We just had those tease each other kind of relationships. Nowadays, I’ve cried so much in healing and releasing that I have learned to embrace it. Plus, if you cry around the right people, you get hugs, and I do love hugs. I have found a beauty in letting people be there for me. I thought I was showing weakness before, but I have realized that with the right people, it really can be a beautiful experience. 

Now that you have some background on me, here is what I was going to share with Roxee on Robin Williams and what I have learned on my journey through depression. 

I have gotten feedback from those closest to me, and they tell me that I have characteristics like loving, affectionate, kind, joyful, funny, silly, talented, a good friend, generous and fun. I have been told that I can light up a room. A lot of this is what you will also hear people say about Robin Williams, too. He would walk into a room and it would uplift everyone in the room. This is a part of depression that people don’t always understand. It’s the kind of character that you learn to be because of the pain. People like Robin and I, we have felt pain so deeply that we become the type person that will do anything they can to keep those around us from feeling pain. That’s why we do our best to be joyful, giving, happy and funny. We don’t want you to hurt, and if you do hurt and we can’t take it away completely, then we want to make you forget about it for a little while, at least. One of my best friends pointed out to me not too long ago that I say hi to everyone. I didn’t realize that I did that until she said something. Before I realized what I was saying I responded to her with, “well, you never know who’s having a bad day, or has been feels ignored, neglected or unappreciated.” We want people feeling better when they leave than they did when they walked in. This is the true meaning of beauty from pain. You don’t pass it on, you attempt to alleviate it. I have gotten to a point where I run my depression, it no longer runs me. I have healed a lot, and I will never stop healing. My drive to help myself and others is stronger than it has ever been, which is why I am a finally back in school and studying to be a counselor. 

I have, also, learned, as I mentioned earlier, that when you hurt hard, you can love hard. When you don’t take a risk on letting people in, you block out the good with bad. You have to let yourself be loved, and you have to let yourself love. Your self talk is key here, and you have control over it. Yell “NO!” at it and change it to something positive. Your self talk is your belief system, and a belief is just a thought that you keep thinking. So if you think a new thought, and just keep thinking it, it will become a belief. Also, remember that “I am” is a powerful phrase because what you put after it is what you create. It’s the basics of the Law of Attraction. Don’t focus on what you don’t want or don’t have because you will attract more of that. Focus on what you do want and be grateful for what you do have, so that you can attract the life you do want.

We should all strive to be love. If you are someone who does not suffer from depression, then please don’t try to discredit those who do. It is real, and it can be dangerous if untreated. Emotional pain doesn’t leave scars you can see with the naked eye, but if you take a deeper look with your heart you will see that the damage is real and the wounds need to be tended to. We all need love, and we have it in abundance, so give it away as much as you can because you will never run out. Our journeys are our own, and they are all going to look different, and that’s okay. Just love anyway. Allow people to heal on their terms. What worked for you may not work for them, so just listen and find out what it is that they need. 

If you do happen to be someone who struggles with depression, please make sure you are talking to someone who can help you. You need to know that you are not alone, and you are worth helping. You are loved, just look around and feel it. Those who love you may not know how to help you, so you have to speak up and fight for yourself. Fight for your right to be free of the pain and torment. You can get there. It can happen. You are worth it. If you don’t know where to get help then call me or write to me and I will do what I can to help. Even if you just need an ear to hear or a shoulder to cry on (I am one of those people that will hug you if you are crying around me, by the way). You are here for a reason, and sometimes you have to cage the beast so you can really see and understand your purpose. It’s there. Don’t give up. It may not be easy, but it will be worth it. Trust me.

Lots of Love and Light to all of you. 

Pass around some love today.

Perfect Imperfections

About 2 years ago, I had a conversation with a very dear (basically a part of the family), brilliant-minded friend. He read my blogs, complimented me on my writing skills and offered a little critique that I didn’t fully understand until today. He, essentially, told me to be more imperfect. 

I didn’t know what to make of that. I wasn’t offended in the least, we are close enough for me to know that not only is he smart and a talented writer, but he’s always treated me wonderfully. His opinion is one I have always respected, so I took it to heart and really tried to get a handle on what he meant. If you are wondering why I didn’t just ask him it’s simply because it’s more fun to figure it out for myself.....even if it takes a few years. 

I began to think to myself how incredibly imperfect I already am. How do I become more imperfect? Wait! Why would I want to become more imperfect? I thought the whole point was to be better. To get closer to becoming perfect, not shying away from it. I thought I was being pretty real. I would express what I had been through, and end with how I overcame it and some encouraging words......oh, wait. There it is. I had only been expressing the bad and the ugly that I had already overcome. 

My aha moment today has lead me to a deeper understanding of not only myself, but what he meant by his critique. I am finally figuring out that our imperfections are part of what make us beautiful. We are lovable because of them, not despite them. 

In fact, many of things I’ve been keeping from the world out of fear that they aren’t good enough to be shared are the exact things I am meant to be sharing. My love for instance, as loving as I let the world see that I am, I am still holding back. The passion that happens within me, that wants to be expressed, is often too much for people to handle. So, in an attempt to remain accepted, I hold back. With holding back, I tend to keep people from getting too close and finding out who I really am. You know where that has gotten me? Alone. 

My talents and my passions, the fact that many people, my family included, don’t know they exist is a surefire sign that I am not properly expressing them. I love to dance and I love to sing. Unless you have done a musical with me, or seen a musical that I have been in (which have been few and far between since West Side Story) then you probably don’t know that I am pretty decent at both. Why hide it, then. Well, old thought patterns, I guess. I have this old belief that because I am overweight (as I have been most of my life) I should be ashamed to do such things. I’m not, but I wondered if I should be. I am getting to the bottom of this whole, “who cares what people think” thing.

 I am, also, an intuitive healer. My heart’s desire is to bring healing, joy, love and laughter to the world. There are no words that can describe what goes on inside of me when someone is hurting, be it physically or emotionally. I can’t fins words to describe it because it’s a feeling I can’t even fully understand. The worst is when my guidance tells me to do nothing. I have to somehow fight back this urge to help. It’s almost painful, but not everyone can handle what I bring to the table. So, I hold back.

Then there is my darkness. This is the part that a lot of us are taught to hide. My darkness is the girl who gets burnt out and needs a break from holding it all together. It’s in the depressing and lonely days I spend with Netflix, Facebook and a fluffy pillow every now and then. I am at my darkest during the deepest of healing when I am faced with my demons and fighting them head on, and when I have to release someone or something I love deeply for my greater good. One of my soul sisters loves to tell me that I heal lifetimes worth of stuff in a year. That level of work comes with some dark days. Dark days that I used to feel bad about, until I finally realized their purpose and began to embrace them.

I always fought hard to hide my darkness. I was afraid to let people see the bad and the ugly. I thought it would be unacceptable and that people would begin to realize that I wasn’t as lovable as they thought. 

I continued to contemplate as I do. First I should tell you, that in learning to love myself, I had to look at myself as my best friend. I thought what would I want my best friend to think of herself, how would I want her to feel about herself? If she were in my situation, what would I tell her to do? I am much better at loving others than I am at loving myself, so this worked well for me. I used it to wrap my head around the concept that my darkness is okay. I don’t have to hide it. I thought about the people closest to me. The ones who have let me see their darkness, their bad, their ugly, the deepest parts of their soul. It didn’t make them less lovable at all. If anything, it only deepened our connection even more. I love these people even more now for trusting me, and knowing that I would continue to love them, not despite their darkness, but because of it. 

We all have it, and we don’t have to hide it. We should be allowed to feel whatever it is that we feel. You have to feel it to heal it. How else are you going to know it’s there. You’re darkness and your lightness are both a part of what makes you who you are. They are both part of what makes you beautiful. 

 So today, I will strive to be unapologetically me. The good, 

the bad, the ugly. The light, the dark. The love, the fear. I will own it all. My love, my talents, my passions. I will accept it all. I will express it all. I will deem it beautiful. 

Sing Your Song

“I’m an artist, and I’m sensitive about my shit.”

-Erica Badu

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you will remember my blog about the lost love I will never get over. If you haven’t read it, you can click here to read it.

That great love was the stage. It’s a relationship I have been trying to get back for the past few years and it’s not always easy. I always considered myself to be more heart than talent, as my talent was rarely validated by those who I felt I needed it from back in my high school years. I never got solos and had to fight to be in show choir because I loved it so much. At home, it was all blamed on my weight, but in my mind I had always blamed it on having more heart than talent. I did everything I possibly could to be on stage dancing, singing, twirling things, acting, step team, whatever I could do, I auditioned for everything. After high school I mostly danced. Tap, jazz and hip hop were my favorites. I just never could understand why I had such a passion to do things I wasn’t that great at. So, I continued to do a lot of dancing and singing when I was home alone (I still do).

One day when I was 22, just for the fun of it, I decided to go to this audition I saw in the newspaper for West Side Story. I actually got the part of Consuelo. I had been in musicals before and loved it, but I was always in the choir. For the first time ever, I had a character with a name. For the first time ever I felt like I was truly a part of something. I felt like I fit in somewhere. I played Consuelo for a year and then moved back to Atlanta. Something happened when I moved that time. I full on gave up on myself, and gave up on doing what I love. I would still sing and dance at home, but it was rare that it was ever actually seen. For some reason I shut down after West Side Story. I went on a few auditions, and they didn’t go well. Maybe that’s why I gave up. Maybe it was stuff that was being said by people around me. Maybe it was just a mix of a lot of things, but I can see, looking back, that I was in a pretty dark place from mid-2003 to mid-2006. In mid-2006, I made some friends that brightened up my world, I got out on my own, and in 2007 really began my healing journey. 

It took me until I started going to IQ to slowly step out onto the stage, again, little by little. I started out with doing their annual production of the Metaphysics of Christmas, which I have done every year since. I have seen my role in that grow and expand each year which has been pretty neat. I, also, got involved in the IQ Players plays after my first Metaphysics of Christmas. I tried the choir there for a little while, and discovered that it wasn’t for me. Recently, the church decided to revamp the music program, so I because a part of that to see what I could contribute. It was a better fit, but I still felt I could only contribute very little so I contributed what I could. In the last month or two, I have had the opportunity to help out on the cajon while the girl that usually does it was out of town. 

Then last weekend happened. Around when I first played the cajon, I was informed that I would be singing Seasons of Love on May 28th. I graciously accepted as my whole body began to freak out. Getting up on stage in a theater, the audience is one entity. In this particular setting, the audience was a couple of people that I’ve known for years that would, in fact, see me, again. Repeatedly. What if I make a mess of myself and this song? What if I’m really rusty, and I suck at this, again? What are people going to think of me after this (this was a surprising one, as I thought I had healed this already)? What if they find out that I suck and never let me sing, again? 

The answer to all of those today (now that it’s over) is so what. I got up there with all of my nerves and my allergies and sang my heart out. It felt great. I put everything I could into it. I was getting positive feedback. It was all going great. Until last week. Wednesday, I received an email of hesitation about posting the video of my singing. This had happened a few times up to this point. Now, I could care less, I am going to post it, through my own avenues, but last Wednesday was a little different. The anxiety of, yet, again, pouring my heart and soul into something that was, again, going to be deemed “not enough” or “not good enough”. AGAIN! This is something that used to happen to me all the time, but hasn’t happened that much in a while, because frankly, despite all of these blogs I post, there is still a lot I don’t put out there. This time I allowed myself to be vulnerable and put my heart and soul on display, and it was deemed unfit. AGAIN. I took the day and cried the whole way home from work (which was a 2 hour drive because I was supposed to go to a friend’s house, and that got cancelled when I was almost there, so I had to turn around and head back in rush hour traffic). When I got home, I sat with some comfort food crying some more. I was on and off the phone with two of my sisters from other misters, then I meditated to heal whatever core issue was causing the pain and slept it off. 

It’s not easy to give so much of yourself, and get brushed off like it’s no big deal. I’m having to learn that there is always going to be a chance of that, but you have to give it your all, anyway. It’ll be enough for someone. It will make someone smile. It will make someone’s day. It may not always be the someone you are wanting the validation from, but isn’t making at least one person’s heart smile the whole point of doing anything from the heart. It doesn’t always have to be a particular person. Maybe that’s not who God intended your heart work to be for. It will reach whoever it is intended for.

A good friend of mine was telling me that I was holding onto my gifts to tightly. I hold them close to my heart as if they are sacred, and they are, but their purpose is meant for so much more that my protection. They are meant to be shared. That’s why I decided to step out and sing, again, in a venue where it would be seen and could be shared. So despite my need to be great, I am going to post it even though it may not be. I am going to post it so that my heart work can at least be given a chance to make someone smile (or laugh, if it’s really as bad as it was made out to be). I know it may not have been great, but I didn’t think it was all that bad. 

So here’s the video:

Holly covering Seasons of Love from Holly V on Vimeo.

Wait For the Catch, or Catch What You Can

"Wait for the catch, or catch what you can."
- "Love's Song" by Kids

Click here to see the lyrics in the info bar under the video.

Click here to get this song and the rest of the C&I Studios Valentine's Day EP.
(This one is listed as "Love's Song by Joshua Diaz". I do, however, highly recommend the entire EP, it's fantastic.)

I remember watching an interview with Mel Brooks and Anne Bancroft where Anne was describing the feeling she got whenever she would hear Mel put the key in the door when he got home. She talked about the excitement welling up in her as she would think “Oh, boy. The fun is about to begin!!” 40 years of marriage and she still got so excited everyday when he got home. 

This is great love. It is what I have dreamt of all of my life. Not some big wedding, not a house with a picket fence, not a fancy car or a fat bank account. Great love. A love that would give the rest of the world hope, and bring people joy and even laughter, which is essentially joy out loud. 

As a hopeless romantic, great love is something I have always believed in. However, it wasn’t until maybe this past year or two that I began to believe in it as an attainable goal for myself. It would have to be, I suppose. I’m not big on settling. I am a “wait for the catch” type of girl (if you listen to the song posted above, you will get the reference). I am 34 and I can still count on both hands the men that I have kissed. 

My heart has known love and my heart has known pain. I have often loved without reciprocation, but I have learned to not require it. Love is not a debt that acquires, needing to be repaid. It is to be given freely as one sees fit. When I was 19, I was in my first and worst car accident. One of the biggest lessons I got from that experience was to let people know that I loved and cared for them. There were people that were coming out of the woodworks that I had no idea cared about me, and there were people that I cared about that I hadn’t been able to properly express that love to. Those of you who didn't know me back then may find that hard to imagine. It has been a process, as I knew it would be, which is why I chose my teachers and experiences carefully. Especially in my younger years. 

Opening myself up to loving has been a journey. I first had to learn to be a better friend, especially to myself. It’s a part of me that I am constantly working on. Even though I still tend to get down on myself from time to time, I am a lot quicker on the recovery. It has, also, become a lot more rare of an occasion. 

Realizing my worth has opened me up to a world of strength and confidence. I know how I want to be treated, and I know what kind of treatment is unacceptable. I stand up for myself. 

Learning to love myself has been vital in learning to better love others. In better loving others I have, also, had to learn to accept their love in return. 

Letting love in has been a pretty big lesson for me to learn. One I am also still working on mastering. Although, I got compliments growing up, I got picked on more, which caused me to assume that any compliments I received were out of pity. I learned to accept them gracefully, but never let them past the walls I had put up to protect myself. Something about it made me feel vulnerable and unsafe. 

I remember the first time that I actually took a compliment. I mean really took it to heart. I was about 26, and there was this dear friend of mine (he still is a very dear friend, he just was back then, too) who would speak with such love and sincerity that there was no way to debate it away. My demons were defenseless against it. Every compliment he ever gave me somehow penetrated the walls and went right into my being. I could feel it changing me. As I became more aware that I might be worth something to this planet, I realized I had a lot of “junk” to work through, and I have been working through it ever since. 

In the last year or two, I have really begun to realize that I am finally in a place to love. I am finally that woman that can love greatly. 

I will say this, learning to love greatly has, also taught me to feel greatly. I cry more, especially in front of people (something I did rarely, if ever). I cry tears of extreme joy, and tears of extreme pain and frustration. I laugh hard. I play hard. I work hard. Best of all, I love hard. I can go from “I am woman hear me roar” to “I am tigress hear me purr” to “I am a girl, let me cry. Let me feel.” 

Love is something I feel should be shared with all mankind, but at the same time, Love is God. Love is sacred. So many times I have tried to settle for less than great love. It was good love, they were good men, but there was something I knew wasn’t there. 

How did I know you ask? I will let you in on a little secret. I knew it because I had felt great love before, and nothing has been able to touch that since. I know it exists, and I know it can happen for anybody, even me, and yes, even you. 

Wait for the catch, it’s worth it!

(It is never too late)

Forgive and Forget?

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......”

― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity

There is a power in forgiveness. A power that frees you (not the one you are forgiving). However, there is a fatal flaw in the whole “forgive and forget” mantra. If you forget your experience, you don’t learn from it. 

Forgiveness is releasing the grudge of a wrong-doing, however forgetting can open you up to the same world of hurt all over, again. Forgiving doesn’t mean that nothing changes. It means that you release the hurt, learn from experience, and are moving forward, again. Not forgiving causes you to get stuck where you are. It’s okay to let yourself be hurt or angry. Take some time to feel what you feel and mourn what you need to mourn, just don’t live there. Take a day or two, or even a week if you need it, but make sure you are still doing things that will bring the life back into you. Be around people that make you laugh, accept you for who you are, and make you feel like you are okay even when you are a mess. Do that thing that feeds your soul. Treat yourself as you would treat your best friend who was going through the same situation. Think about what you would want for that person, and then do it for you. 

Understand that there are people who can not face their mistakes. They refuse to look in the mirror, or take responsibility for their part. As much as it sucks, it happens. There’s nothing you can do about it. You can only take responsibility for you. You can watch out for you. You can do what you need to do to release it and move on. You cannot walk their journey for them. You cannot make them grow. You have your own journey and growth to concern yourself with. They are not your responsibility. You are your responsibility. Spend your time, energy and emotions on those who have proven themselves to be true, and always know that you are never alone.

Forgiving doesn't change the past, it changes the future.