Perfect Imperfections

About 2 years ago, I had a conversation with a very dear (basically a part of the family), brilliant-minded friend. He read my blogs, complimented me on my writing skills and offered a little critique that I didn’t fully understand until today. He, essentially, told me to be more imperfect. 

I didn’t know what to make of that. I wasn’t offended in the least, we are close enough for me to know that not only is he smart and a talented writer, but he’s always treated me wonderfully. His opinion is one I have always respected, so I took it to heart and really tried to get a handle on what he meant. If you are wondering why I didn’t just ask him it’s simply because it’s more fun to figure it out for myself.....even if it takes a few years. 

I began to think to myself how incredibly imperfect I already am. How do I become more imperfect? Wait! Why would I want to become more imperfect? I thought the whole point was to be better. To get closer to becoming perfect, not shying away from it. I thought I was being pretty real. I would express what I had been through, and end with how I overcame it and some encouraging words......oh, wait. There it is. I had only been expressing the bad and the ugly that I had already overcome. 

My aha moment today has lead me to a deeper understanding of not only myself, but what he meant by his critique. I am finally figuring out that our imperfections are part of what make us beautiful. We are lovable because of them, not despite them. 

In fact, many of things I’ve been keeping from the world out of fear that they aren’t good enough to be shared are the exact things I am meant to be sharing. My love for instance, as loving as I let the world see that I am, I am still holding back. The passion that happens within me, that wants to be expressed, is often too much for people to handle. So, in an attempt to remain accepted, I hold back. With holding back, I tend to keep people from getting too close and finding out who I really am. You know where that has gotten me? Alone. 

My talents and my passions, the fact that many people, my family included, don’t know they exist is a surefire sign that I am not properly expressing them. I love to dance and I love to sing. Unless you have done a musical with me, or seen a musical that I have been in (which have been few and far between since West Side Story) then you probably don’t know that I am pretty decent at both. Why hide it, then. Well, old thought patterns, I guess. I have this old belief that because I am overweight (as I have been most of my life) I should be ashamed to do such things. I’m not, but I wondered if I should be. I am getting to the bottom of this whole, “who cares what people think” thing.

 I am, also, an intuitive healer. My heart’s desire is to bring healing, joy, love and laughter to the world. There are no words that can describe what goes on inside of me when someone is hurting, be it physically or emotionally. I can’t fins words to describe it because it’s a feeling I can’t even fully understand. The worst is when my guidance tells me to do nothing. I have to somehow fight back this urge to help. It’s almost painful, but not everyone can handle what I bring to the table. So, I hold back.

Then there is my darkness. This is the part that a lot of us are taught to hide. My darkness is the girl who gets burnt out and needs a break from holding it all together. It’s in the depressing and lonely days I spend with Netflix, Facebook and a fluffy pillow every now and then. I am at my darkest during the deepest of healing when I am faced with my demons and fighting them head on, and when I have to release someone or something I love deeply for my greater good. One of my soul sisters loves to tell me that I heal lifetimes worth of stuff in a year. That level of work comes with some dark days. Dark days that I used to feel bad about, until I finally realized their purpose and began to embrace them.

I always fought hard to hide my darkness. I was afraid to let people see the bad and the ugly. I thought it would be unacceptable and that people would begin to realize that I wasn’t as lovable as they thought. 

I continued to contemplate as I do. First I should tell you, that in learning to love myself, I had to look at myself as my best friend. I thought what would I want my best friend to think of herself, how would I want her to feel about herself? If she were in my situation, what would I tell her to do? I am much better at loving others than I am at loving myself, so this worked well for me. I used it to wrap my head around the concept that my darkness is okay. I don’t have to hide it. I thought about the people closest to me. The ones who have let me see their darkness, their bad, their ugly, the deepest parts of their soul. It didn’t make them less lovable at all. If anything, it only deepened our connection even more. I love these people even more now for trusting me, and knowing that I would continue to love them, not despite their darkness, but because of it. 

We all have it, and we don’t have to hide it. We should be allowed to feel whatever it is that we feel. You have to feel it to heal it. How else are you going to know it’s there. You’re darkness and your lightness are both a part of what makes you who you are. They are both part of what makes you beautiful. 

 So today, I will strive to be unapologetically me. The good, 

the bad, the ugly. The light, the dark. The love, the fear. I will own it all. My love, my talents, my passions. I will accept it all. I will express it all. I will deem it beautiful.