10 Things You Hate About Me

I have been reading about Frida Kahlo, and even though I am not a huge fan of her art, I am a huge fan of her. I find myself relating to her and questioning who I am versus who I am trying to be.

When you are 35 and single, society can distort who you are as you begin to believe that because you are single there is something wrong with you. I am told over and over, again, that I have to present myself a certain way in order to be attractive. I have been told the majority of my life that I have to lose weight, wear make up, dress a certain way, act a certain way, be a certain kind of “fit in the box” woman, and if I am not perfect in every way I will remain single forever.

In all honesty, trying to be everything perfectly for everybody is not only exhausting, but it is unrealistic and dishonest to who I really am. So, who am I? What is so wrong with me?

Here are 10 things you might hate about me:

1. I hate make-up. Sometimes it can be fun to play with, but for everyday I can’t do it. Especially, foundations and powders. They are so uncomfortable, and it feels like a literal mask. I don’t want to hide who I am. I want to be truly me, raw and uncut, and be loved and appreciated for that. I want to be loved for who I am, not for I am pretending to be, or even for who I have the potential to one day possibly be. Just me. Right here. Right now. Me. 
• Why you hate this about me - As a woman, I am supposed to be into makeup and wrapped up in how I look. Contrary to society, I am more concerned with who I am. I may not be as vibrant, gorgeous, and picturesque as you like without wearing makeup constantly, but damn it, I will accept whoever you want to be and love you for it.
2. I can’t guarantee that I will ever weigh less than I do now. I can lose weight, I’ve done it before, sometimes it comes back. Maybe not always, but the possibility remains. The fact of the matter is I have PCOS which screws with your hormones, and also screws with your ability to lose weight. Solid support could help, but it’s just me right now. Due to the pain that I have acquired from car accidents over the years (and emotional pain from, well, let’s just say kind of everywhere), I am not always enough to keep myself on track. I am working on it. Actively. I have to go by how I feel, and not what I am losing (or not losing) because then I will surely get discouraged.
• Why you might hate this about me - Stereotypically, it means that I am lazy, sloppy, unhealthy, and gross. I’m not supposed to be comfortable or sexy at my weight, but I will strut my stuff anyhow. I will fosse dance the heck out of a chair, get on a stage and pour my heart out in a song or a dance (or a mix of the two), break out the Michael Jackson moves, or shake it to just about any kind of music that comes on the radio. The pain from past car accidents holds me back more than the weight ever did. 
3. I don’t like to cook very much. To be honest standing in one place for more than a few minutes hurts like hell. With the actual cooking, it’s not so bad because I move around a lot, but the dishes can be killer. I’m not bad at it, I just don’t take the time to put much effort into cooking just for myself. The Magic Bullet has been a wonderful in this arena. Throw some frozen fruit and veggies together with some yogurt and water and you can quickly and easily drink a nutritious meal. 
• Why you might hate this about me - Women are supposed to cook. The way to a man’s heart is his stomach, right? No home cooking, no man. This is probably the one that will lose me the most points, apart from my weight.
4. I am passionate and emotional. I feel things, and I feel them deeply. Writing is my art. I tend to write loving, emotional, handwritten letters to friends and family. I pour my heart into them, and I gush and dote. I love big and I love hard. Friends, family, people, partners I love them, as my niece Emi says, “Big, wide, and tall”. With that comes hurting hard. When my heart gets broken, it’s painful. More painful than most people can bear. It breaks over rejection, betrayal, lies, or seeing someone else hurting. I can be overwhelmed with love and joy, or pain and sadness. Anything I feel is intensified. This can freak people out, I’ve seen it happen, and it has caused me to feel bad about loving the way that I do, and feeling the way that I do. I figure I have to be like this for a reason. It has to have some higher purpose. Thanks to societies expectations I water down and filter myself, and I’m not so sure I should be doing that.
• Why you might hate this about me - I will cry. If I am happy, sad, excited, angry, touched, I may very well cry. Sometimes, I will care too much when you don’t want me to.
5. I am a healer at heart. This is why it’s hard for me to see others hurting. I know what it’s like to hurt, and I know what it’s like to heal. So when I see someone hurting or harming themselves, I want to help. Megan, who is one of my best friends and part of my extended family, made a comment to me one time as we were walking through a hospital. She kind of giggled, and said, “You say ‘hi’ to everyone.” I never realized that I did it, until she said something. Then I said (without thinking about it) something like you never know who is having a bad day, or feeling under-appreciated, ignored or stressed out. That moment I realized that the way she is a bleeding heart for animals, I am a bleeding heart for humans. Healing myself is just as important as healing others, and I take one just as much to heart as the other. 
• Why you might hate this about me - I want to be helpful, and I want you to heal. I have fallen for guys that should have been clients. I was trying to save them by loving them. This one, also, causes me to care about you too much, like it or not. 
6. I love music. I love to sing and I love to dance. I, also, own a bunch of instruments that I can barely play. I am a musical theater nerd, and I like to sing and dance in everyday life. I even make up songs, or sing my frustrations, as I feel it makes them come across less impatient and bitchy.
• Why you might hate this about me - I sing and dance randomly throughout my day, all of the time, it can be embarrassing. 
7. I don’t like rules and limitations. Don’t tell me I can’t do something. Get out of my way.
• Why you might hate this about me - you want me to live by your rules and limited expectations.
8. I am constantly working on myself. As I mentioned before, I take my own healing very seriously. I want to be the best version of myself that I can muster up at any given moment. Sometimes that puts me at the top of my game, and sometimes that means a luxurious bath, a fabulous nap, and some down time.
• Why you might hate this about me - While working on my own healing, I have to deal with my crap. Sometimes this process can look a little chaotic. I can be depressed, frustrated, angry, hurt or sad when dealing with the emotions, and then once I sleep it off I’m good to go, again. This cycle could go on for however long it takes to work through it, but it will be worth it in the end. I have references who can attest to that.
9. I am spiritual. I dabble in different practices as well as creating my own. I like to experience God the way that I experience God, sans rules, limitations, and expectations. I meditate, I communicate with the spirit world (angels, guides, ancestors, fae, family, friends, masters) , I pray, I light candles, I participate in Druid healing circles, I celebrate Pagan and Christian holidays, I celebrate for the sake of celebrating, I manifest, I dance, I laugh, I love, I sing, I am a Reiki master, I do energy work, I am intuitive. My friends and family in this part of my world, we are called lightworkers. 
• Why you might hate this about me - It’s weird. At least, it seems weird to people who may not be familiar with some of these concepts, and fear what they don’t understand. Not everyone is going to get it, and that’s okay, but it’s a big part of who I am, and I have found that a lot of people have had an issue with it. You might, too. 
10. I desire truth and honesty. As much as I long to present myself as truly me, I hope for the same from you. I want you to know me, to see me for who I am. I want to know you and see you for who you truly are.
• Why you might hate this about me - I will call you out. I won’t let you get away with lying or B.S.ing me. If I do let you get away with, know that I have given up on trying to help you and our friendship from that day forward will be superficial, as I will not trust you.

One of the critiques I have gotten on my blog from a dear friend who is not afraid to be real with me, is to be more real and acknowledge the negative in myself. First of all, I thought I was. Maybe he just likes me more than the majority of people and the things I get negative feedback on, he doesn’t see as negative. I will say this, everything that I have listed here I have gotten negative feedback on. Be it criticisms, rejection, betrayal, weirding people out, disappointing people, or just causing people to simply disappear from life. So whether you decide to judge them as good or bad, all I can do is judge them as me.