Online Dating Rant

I was reading this article on Elite Daily, and not only could I relate, but it got me to thinking about this whole dating thing. I have been out of the dating scene for a while (because I got tired of it), but I feel like it is time to start putting myself out there, again.  I do want to be in a relationship and I do want to date, but things seem to have changed quite a bit, and I have to admit I don’t like where they are going.

I've been trying a few online dating sites, and I have to say it hasn't been pretty so far. As I was talking to Megan and Robby about my online dating woes yesterday, Robby said to me, "Whatever happened to meeting for dinner? Opening doors for a lady ... wining and dining a lady." That's what I want, but it is something that has, unfortunately, become all too rare. I am not one to settle, especially when it comes to romance. I have seen too many toxic relationships to ever want to end up in one. I have seen good ones too and am learning what I want in a relationship, as well as, what I don't want. 

Too many of the guys are just out for, as Steve Harvey calls it, the cookie. I want to go out and have fun and laugh, not naked bathroom selfies. Now mind you, a few months into a relationship that could be fun and sexy, but before you even meet someone in person or after date number 1, not fun or sexy, just creepy. 

I’m not saying you will never get the cookie. I am saying you might have to put in some time and effort, and frankly, I don’t think that’s too much to ask. I need the foundation of trust, friendship, chemistry, and sexual attraction to be there. I’m not one of those girls who is eager to “bake cookies” for every man I meet. I need substance.

I know there are good men out there. I have many in my group of family and friends. Most of them are just gay and/or married. The single few sometimes seem interested, but don’t do anything about it. They seem to have me in the friend zone (It’s not just for guys), I suppose. 

When I was working with a life coach at one point, she told me to allow myself to be pursued, so that is what I try to do. On the online dating sites, I don’t contact people, I let them contact me, and they do. It’s hard to sift through them sometimes. 

Some you can tell right away that they are douche bags, with messages like, “I want to spread my seed.” and “R U DTF?”. Both of which are real messages that I have received. As a writer, the text talk drives me nuts. If you want a response from me, use full words and at least make a solid attempt at grammar. Even “Wussup” will make me hesitate to respond. If English isn’t your first language, I will give you a break, other than that get it together guys. Again, the rules change once we have a good foundation built and it’s done in jest. As a first impression, it will not fly. 

Dating needs to get back to the basics, again. I can’t stand this hookup culture. If you are a part of it, and you enjoy, great. Good for you. Do what makes you happy. I’m just saying that’s not what I want for myself.

I want someone to laugh with, joke with, talk to in depth about anything and everything, someone to go have fun with, someone to stay in and cuddle with, someone who can see something special in me as I see something special in him. Someone that I feel safe being vulnerable with, that is willing to be vulnerable with me, as well. Someone honest, who can handle the truth, and is capable of talking things out. Is that really so much to ask for. Just someone who enjoys my company and can be totally himself with me, and I can be totally myself with him. 

I’m not needy or insecure. No one needs to sacrifice anything that they don’t want to let go of. Chase your dreams, because I will continue to chase mine. Ask any of my friends, I’m a pretty good cheerleader, and I am pretty flexible when it comes to maintaining relationships. I don’t understand why it gets so complicated in some people’s minds. 

I have my memberships on the online sites until December so I will check them every once in a while, but I seem to have better luck meeting people throughout different areas of my walking life. I’ve been actually trying since school got out, and I have been occupying my time. School starts back June 8th, so I will most likely go back to being too busy with school, work, chorus, family and friends to worry about it too much. It’s still something that I want for myself someday, I think I am better off just letting it happen, and shutting down the douche bags. 

I have a good life, and I think that really helps to keep me from settling for a jerk. 

I would love to hear anyone else’s dating experiences and advice for dating in 2015. All comments and questions are welcome. 

With lots of love, light and big hugs to all of you.

10 Things You Hate About Me

I have been reading about Frida Kahlo, and even though I am not a huge fan of her art, I am a huge fan of her. I find myself relating to her and questioning who I am versus who I am trying to be.

When you are 35 and single, society can distort who you are as you begin to believe that because you are single there is something wrong with you. I am told over and over, again, that I have to present myself a certain way in order to be attractive. I have been told the majority of my life that I have to lose weight, wear make up, dress a certain way, act a certain way, be a certain kind of “fit in the box” woman, and if I am not perfect in every way I will remain single forever.

In all honesty, trying to be everything perfectly for everybody is not only exhausting, but it is unrealistic and dishonest to who I really am. So, who am I? What is so wrong with me?

Here are 10 things you might hate about me:

1. I hate make-up. Sometimes it can be fun to play with, but for everyday I can’t do it. Especially, foundations and powders. They are so uncomfortable, and it feels like a literal mask. I don’t want to hide who I am. I want to be truly me, raw and uncut, and be loved and appreciated for that. I want to be loved for who I am, not for I am pretending to be, or even for who I have the potential to one day possibly be. Just me. Right here. Right now. Me. 
• Why you hate this about me - As a woman, I am supposed to be into makeup and wrapped up in how I look. Contrary to society, I am more concerned with who I am. I may not be as vibrant, gorgeous, and picturesque as you like without wearing makeup constantly, but damn it, I will accept whoever you want to be and love you for it.
2. I can’t guarantee that I will ever weigh less than I do now. I can lose weight, I’ve done it before, sometimes it comes back. Maybe not always, but the possibility remains. The fact of the matter is I have PCOS which screws with your hormones, and also screws with your ability to lose weight. Solid support could help, but it’s just me right now. Due to the pain that I have acquired from car accidents over the years (and emotional pain from, well, let’s just say kind of everywhere), I am not always enough to keep myself on track. I am working on it. Actively. I have to go by how I feel, and not what I am losing (or not losing) because then I will surely get discouraged.
• Why you might hate this about me - Stereotypically, it means that I am lazy, sloppy, unhealthy, and gross. I’m not supposed to be comfortable or sexy at my weight, but I will strut my stuff anyhow. I will fosse dance the heck out of a chair, get on a stage and pour my heart out in a song or a dance (or a mix of the two), break out the Michael Jackson moves, or shake it to just about any kind of music that comes on the radio. The pain from past car accidents holds me back more than the weight ever did. 
3. I don’t like to cook very much. To be honest standing in one place for more than a few minutes hurts like hell. With the actual cooking, it’s not so bad because I move around a lot, but the dishes can be killer. I’m not bad at it, I just don’t take the time to put much effort into cooking just for myself. The Magic Bullet has been a wonderful in this arena. Throw some frozen fruit and veggies together with some yogurt and water and you can quickly and easily drink a nutritious meal. 
• Why you might hate this about me - Women are supposed to cook. The way to a man’s heart is his stomach, right? No home cooking, no man. This is probably the one that will lose me the most points, apart from my weight.
4. I am passionate and emotional. I feel things, and I feel them deeply. Writing is my art. I tend to write loving, emotional, handwritten letters to friends and family. I pour my heart into them, and I gush and dote. I love big and I love hard. Friends, family, people, partners I love them, as my niece Emi says, “Big, wide, and tall”. With that comes hurting hard. When my heart gets broken, it’s painful. More painful than most people can bear. It breaks over rejection, betrayal, lies, or seeing someone else hurting. I can be overwhelmed with love and joy, or pain and sadness. Anything I feel is intensified. This can freak people out, I’ve seen it happen, and it has caused me to feel bad about loving the way that I do, and feeling the way that I do. I figure I have to be like this for a reason. It has to have some higher purpose. Thanks to societies expectations I water down and filter myself, and I’m not so sure I should be doing that.
• Why you might hate this about me - I will cry. If I am happy, sad, excited, angry, touched, I may very well cry. Sometimes, I will care too much when you don’t want me to.
5. I am a healer at heart. This is why it’s hard for me to see others hurting. I know what it’s like to hurt, and I know what it’s like to heal. So when I see someone hurting or harming themselves, I want to help. Megan, who is one of my best friends and part of my extended family, made a comment to me one time as we were walking through a hospital. She kind of giggled, and said, “You say ‘hi’ to everyone.” I never realized that I did it, until she said something. Then I said (without thinking about it) something like you never know who is having a bad day, or feeling under-appreciated, ignored or stressed out. That moment I realized that the way she is a bleeding heart for animals, I am a bleeding heart for humans. Healing myself is just as important as healing others, and I take one just as much to heart as the other. 
• Why you might hate this about me - I want to be helpful, and I want you to heal. I have fallen for guys that should have been clients. I was trying to save them by loving them. This one, also, causes me to care about you too much, like it or not. 
6. I love music. I love to sing and I love to dance. I, also, own a bunch of instruments that I can barely play. I am a musical theater nerd, and I like to sing and dance in everyday life. I even make up songs, or sing my frustrations, as I feel it makes them come across less impatient and bitchy.
• Why you might hate this about me - I sing and dance randomly throughout my day, all of the time, it can be embarrassing. 
7. I don’t like rules and limitations. Don’t tell me I can’t do something. Get out of my way.
• Why you might hate this about me - you want me to live by your rules and limited expectations.
8. I am constantly working on myself. As I mentioned before, I take my own healing very seriously. I want to be the best version of myself that I can muster up at any given moment. Sometimes that puts me at the top of my game, and sometimes that means a luxurious bath, a fabulous nap, and some down time.
• Why you might hate this about me - While working on my own healing, I have to deal with my crap. Sometimes this process can look a little chaotic. I can be depressed, frustrated, angry, hurt or sad when dealing with the emotions, and then once I sleep it off I’m good to go, again. This cycle could go on for however long it takes to work through it, but it will be worth it in the end. I have references who can attest to that.
9. I am spiritual. I dabble in different practices as well as creating my own. I like to experience God the way that I experience God, sans rules, limitations, and expectations. I meditate, I communicate with the spirit world (angels, guides, ancestors, fae, family, friends, masters) , I pray, I light candles, I participate in Druid healing circles, I celebrate Pagan and Christian holidays, I celebrate for the sake of celebrating, I manifest, I dance, I laugh, I love, I sing, I am a Reiki master, I do energy work, I am intuitive. My friends and family in this part of my world, we are called lightworkers. 
• Why you might hate this about me - It’s weird. At least, it seems weird to people who may not be familiar with some of these concepts, and fear what they don’t understand. Not everyone is going to get it, and that’s okay, but it’s a big part of who I am, and I have found that a lot of people have had an issue with it. You might, too. 
10. I desire truth and honesty. As much as I long to present myself as truly me, I hope for the same from you. I want you to know me, to see me for who I am. I want to know you and see you for who you truly are.
• Why you might hate this about me - I will call you out. I won’t let you get away with lying or B.S.ing me. If I do let you get away with, know that I have given up on trying to help you and our friendship from that day forward will be superficial, as I will not trust you.

One of the critiques I have gotten on my blog from a dear friend who is not afraid to be real with me, is to be more real and acknowledge the negative in myself. First of all, I thought I was. Maybe he just likes me more than the majority of people and the things I get negative feedback on, he doesn’t see as negative. I will say this, everything that I have listed here I have gotten negative feedback on. Be it criticisms, rejection, betrayal, weirding people out, disappointing people, or just causing people to simply disappear from life. So whether you decide to judge them as good or bad, all I can do is judge them as me.