Wait For the Catch, or Catch What You Can

"Wait for the catch, or catch what you can."
- "Love's Song" by Kids

Click here to see the lyrics in the info bar under the video.

Click here to get this song and the rest of the C&I Studios Valentine's Day EP.
(This one is listed as "Love's Song by Joshua Diaz". I do, however, highly recommend the entire EP, it's fantastic.)

I remember watching an interview with Mel Brooks and Anne Bancroft where Anne was describing the feeling she got whenever she would hear Mel put the key in the door when he got home. She talked about the excitement welling up in her as she would think “Oh, boy. The fun is about to begin!!” 40 years of marriage and she still got so excited everyday when he got home. 

This is great love. It is what I have dreamt of all of my life. Not some big wedding, not a house with a picket fence, not a fancy car or a fat bank account. Great love. A love that would give the rest of the world hope, and bring people joy and even laughter, which is essentially joy out loud. 

As a hopeless romantic, great love is something I have always believed in. However, it wasn’t until maybe this past year or two that I began to believe in it as an attainable goal for myself. It would have to be, I suppose. I’m not big on settling. I am a “wait for the catch” type of girl (if you listen to the song posted above, you will get the reference). I am 34 and I can still count on both hands the men that I have kissed. 

My heart has known love and my heart has known pain. I have often loved without reciprocation, but I have learned to not require it. Love is not a debt that acquires, needing to be repaid. It is to be given freely as one sees fit. When I was 19, I was in my first and worst car accident. One of the biggest lessons I got from that experience was to let people know that I loved and cared for them. There were people that were coming out of the woodworks that I had no idea cared about me, and there were people that I cared about that I hadn’t been able to properly express that love to. Those of you who didn't know me back then may find that hard to imagine. It has been a process, as I knew it would be, which is why I chose my teachers and experiences carefully. Especially in my younger years. 

Opening myself up to loving has been a journey. I first had to learn to be a better friend, especially to myself. It’s a part of me that I am constantly working on. Even though I still tend to get down on myself from time to time, I am a lot quicker on the recovery. It has, also, become a lot more rare of an occasion. 

Realizing my worth has opened me up to a world of strength and confidence. I know how I want to be treated, and I know what kind of treatment is unacceptable. I stand up for myself. 

Learning to love myself has been vital in learning to better love others. In better loving others I have, also, had to learn to accept their love in return. 

Letting love in has been a pretty big lesson for me to learn. One I am also still working on mastering. Although, I got compliments growing up, I got picked on more, which caused me to assume that any compliments I received were out of pity. I learned to accept them gracefully, but never let them past the walls I had put up to protect myself. Something about it made me feel vulnerable and unsafe. 

I remember the first time that I actually took a compliment. I mean really took it to heart. I was about 26, and there was this dear friend of mine (he still is a very dear friend, he just was back then, too) who would speak with such love and sincerity that there was no way to debate it away. My demons were defenseless against it. Every compliment he ever gave me somehow penetrated the walls and went right into my being. I could feel it changing me. As I became more aware that I might be worth something to this planet, I realized I had a lot of “junk” to work through, and I have been working through it ever since. 

In the last year or two, I have really begun to realize that I am finally in a place to love. I am finally that woman that can love greatly. 

I will say this, learning to love greatly has, also taught me to feel greatly. I cry more, especially in front of people (something I did rarely, if ever). I cry tears of extreme joy, and tears of extreme pain and frustration. I laugh hard. I play hard. I work hard. Best of all, I love hard. I can go from “I am woman hear me roar” to “I am tigress hear me purr” to “I am a girl, let me cry. Let me feel.” 

Love is something I feel should be shared with all mankind, but at the same time, Love is God. Love is sacred. So many times I have tried to settle for less than great love. It was good love, they were good men, but there was something I knew wasn’t there. 

How did I know you ask? I will let you in on a little secret. I knew it because I had felt great love before, and nothing has been able to touch that since. I know it exists, and I know it can happen for anybody, even me, and yes, even you. 

Wait for the catch, it’s worth it!

(It is never too late)

Forgive and Forget?

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......”

― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity

There is a power in forgiveness. A power that frees you (not the one you are forgiving). However, there is a fatal flaw in the whole “forgive and forget” mantra. If you forget your experience, you don’t learn from it. 

Forgiveness is releasing the grudge of a wrong-doing, however forgetting can open you up to the same world of hurt all over, again. Forgiving doesn’t mean that nothing changes. It means that you release the hurt, learn from experience, and are moving forward, again. Not forgiving causes you to get stuck where you are. It’s okay to let yourself be hurt or angry. Take some time to feel what you feel and mourn what you need to mourn, just don’t live there. Take a day or two, or even a week if you need it, but make sure you are still doing things that will bring the life back into you. Be around people that make you laugh, accept you for who you are, and make you feel like you are okay even when you are a mess. Do that thing that feeds your soul. Treat yourself as you would treat your best friend who was going through the same situation. Think about what you would want for that person, and then do it for you. 

Understand that there are people who can not face their mistakes. They refuse to look in the mirror, or take responsibility for their part. As much as it sucks, it happens. There’s nothing you can do about it. You can only take responsibility for you. You can watch out for you. You can do what you need to do to release it and move on. You cannot walk their journey for them. You cannot make them grow. You have your own journey and growth to concern yourself with. They are not your responsibility. You are your responsibility. Spend your time, energy and emotions on those who have proven themselves to be true, and always know that you are never alone.

Forgiving doesn't change the past, it changes the future.