In January’s Women’s Group, we were challenged to define who we are. I found it to be a tough task, at first, due to the the fact that I am in the middle of this huge transition at the moment. I feel like I am in the midst of this mass chaos between who I was and who I am becoming. The challenge brought me to a place where I had to find the core of both. As different as I am from Holly one year ago, much less Holly 15-20 years ago, there are qualities that were always there, whether I realized it at the time or not. With hindsight being 20/20 as it is, I was able to see the great qualities that I had even before I had learned to love myself. As for those that I still couldn’t really see, well that’s what my girls are for. After coming up with our own list, everyone helped us to see some of the qualities that we may have missed.
Although, learning to love and be loved is one of my main life lessons this time around, I have always been a loving person. I saw the good in everyone. I loved everyone. I’ve always been a hugger and a cuddler. I love to give and receive affection. At one point, the world around me told me it wasn’t okay to love like that, so I learned to stop expressing it. The past few years I have been freeing myself more and more and those around me can see it. I am allowing myself, once again, to express my loving nature.
I am also joyful, silly, fun and friendly. I was blessed with a childhood of playing hard, and a dad that, still to this day, is the biggest kid I’ve ever met. He introduced me to the many joys of a good prank war. He taught me how to laugh at myself, and never to take life to seriously. It is what has kept me sane all these years. When I do have those occasional moments of taking life to seriously, I take time out to do something fun. If you have ever met my dad, you know what it is to belly laugh until it hurts and tears are coming out of your eyes.
One of the things that I listed that I wanted for myself (I was pleasantly surprised to see that I am currently working on everything that I listed) was to keep learning. This was inspired by my little brother. You have to be smart to keep up with that one, but it’s so worth it. I love being able to understand his wittiness, and the great banter among him and his friends. He may seem quiet to outsiders, but he is pretty hilarious. His vocabulary surpassed mine when I was in high school and he was in elementary school. That inspired me to start expanding my own vocabulary, and here I am. A writer, and back in college at 32.
Apparently, I missed a few, so the girls filled in a few of the blanks for me. One of them said I was talented. I found that very sweet and unexpected. I love music, acting, singing and dancing, but I always made the comment that I was more heart than talent. I assumed I wasn’t that great at any of it, I just loved it too much to stop. It is a great joy in my life and always has been. My mom once told me that the only time I was happy in middle school was when I was on stage. It’s definitely a love of mine that has always been there.
Thoughtful, outgoing and committed to personal growth were also a few that I had overlooked. Like I mentioned earlier with the transitional chaos around me it’s been hard to realize why it’s even there. I will admit, I am frantically stirring this pot of transition. Between work, school, kickboxing, eating better, taking better care of myself, healing after healing, I really am taking a lot of action to become the woman I want to be. This woman’s group helped me to see the parts of that woman that is already there. The parts of her that have always been there.
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