The Darkside

Okay, so I have shared the good, the bad and the ugly of my past. Most of my stories have been about what I have overcome or am in the process of overcoming in an attempt to stay positive and uplifting. Today, however, I am getting into the bad and the ugly of my present. 

As many of you know I have been single for many years. Actually, I have never actually been in a real relationship. To date, the longest I’ve dated anyone was for 4 weeks. That was in 1998. I’ve dated very little since then. Actually, last year was the first time I had been kissed in over 10 years. Pathetic? Probably. Embarrasing? Sure. However, I am writing this in hopes that either I’m not alone, or someone will read this and possibly have an idea how to help me.

I have to admit, I’m a little conflicted. Love, in the romantic sense, is something I haven’t experienced, yet. I want to experience it, but at the same time I spent a lot of my life trying to please everyone around me, and I enjoy being independent. Being able to do what I want, when I want is really nice. There is no one to bother, bug or burden. There is just me. I love having time to myself, but sometimes it gets lonely. 

Being capable of being in a relationship is something I have been working on for a long time. It has been a long and frustrating road, but I am not yet at the end of it. I work hard at it because I know it will be worth it when I do finally get to the other side of this.

I just finished the first book of the Fifty Shades of Grey series. It was good, but for some reason it is taking me this dark place. I have to admit I asked for it. I have been begging my angels for this healing. It’s been provided in many different ways and this is just where I am at right now. I wondered if I should put the book aside, but I feel as though this has a purpose. This is all old stuff that I pushed away deep inside of me for years. I need to be in it. I need to feel it. I need to deal with it, and work through it. It has not been easy, nor has it been fun. Every time I would sit down and read the book, I would end up in tears (Which is why I waited a little while before starting the second book. I needed a break from the tears, they can be exhausting day after day.). There’s this mix of anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment, and hurt coursing through me. The good part about it is that is does not compare to the hurt I used to walk around with everyday, and there is so much love and joy in my life that I get a break from it. It usually peeks when I am alone, and is definitely prevalent as I read that book. 

The feelings that have creeped back up on me are the feelings of not being enough. I’m reminded that it’s never me the men want. It’s always been that way. “Your friend’s hot.”, is always what they would say. I rarely took dates to anything because when I did, they never left with me. I got ignored while they were trying to hook up with my friends. The rest were guy friends that “didn’t want to ruin the friendship”. Yes, guys, girls get friend zoned, too. 

The few I did date, didn’t last very long. As soon as they found out I wasn’t easy, they left. I even loved once, but between the two of us being incapable of allowing love we hit a brick wall. He ended up shutting me out of his life, and that was that. We haven’t spoken in like 3 or 4 years. That hurt, I got over it, but it did hurt. I think the worst part was never understanding what I had done to make him hate me all of a sudden. I can’t say it didn’t affect me because I think the fear of that happening, again, took over for a while. I felt disposable, it was like I didn’t matter, and everything we had shared meant nothing. I meant nothing. Thinking I was disposable, and that I would never be good enough, attractive enough or even just enough in general, kept me from letting people get too close. I could get hurt, or worse, I could hurt someone else. 

I was a great bottler of feelings back then, which is why it’s biting me in the ass now. I had to always act strong, as if nothing affected me, even though it always did. Tied together with a smile. Standing firm and taking care of what needed to be taken care of while those around me were granted the luxury of breaking down. Whether that was my cross to bear or not, I bore it as if it was. Now, I get to work through the remnants of what the maltreatment and self hatred left behind. 

I feel as though I need to reiterate, it is no where near what it once was. The depression it once caused was debilitating, and the fear paralyzing. Now, it is merely the tears I need to release it all mixed with introversion. Feeling it and mourning it are a part of the release process. It’s my way of giving myself permission to feel what I am feeling, and knowing that it is okay. That is important because it wasn’t always okay. Hence, the bottling. Fairly recently I have learned to cry in front of people. Blessedly, I am now surrounded by people who love and accept me. If I cry in front of them, they hug me through it and then that is that. It never gets brought up or held against me. I never get judged. I’m still not totally comfortable with it, but I am getting used to it. 

This is one of those times where things have to get a little ugly before they get pretty. Emotional remodeling, if you will. I want to get better, and the only way to get there is to get through it. I have to allow the process, let it take it’s course, and then I will be able to fly, again. All in good time. 

From Eponine to Cosette

I am spending my Friday night at home watching the Les Miserables Anniversary Special. After undergoing a lot of healing, and a busy work week (that's not quite over, yet) I am thoroughly enjoying it.

I have always had a love for musical theater, and was introduced to Les Mis at a young age. I have always related so deeply to Eponine. For those of you who may not be so familiar with the show, the love triangle consists of Marius, Eponine and Cosette. Marius and Eponine are best friends, and have been a lot of their lives. She's loyal, fearless, and she loves hard. She is madly in love with Marius. Marius loves her, too....only not romantically. Then, out of nowhere, Cosette walks into Marius's life. They fall deeply in love with eachother. Eponine tries to get his attention, she tries with everything that is in her to hold onto Marius and "what they could have"(in her mind). So much effort, so much fighting, and for what, to die chasing him into battle.
Cosette walks into the room once, that's all it took, one look, and she had his heart. All she had to do was just be and it was enough. She didn't have to lose her heart, lose herself, fight. Love was not a struggle for her. It came so easily.

I have been Eponine. The tough girl that would do anything for the people she loves, believing in true love without any actual proof of it. Fearing that even though it may exist, it probably didn't for me. I have loved hard, with no rhyme or reason. I have fought and fought battles that weren't mine to fight, struggled without purpose, almost simply for the sake of struggling it would seem. I have seen many Cosettes simply walk into the room and walk out with the heart of a great man. Love can come easily. I just didn't think it could for me. I thought I had to fight, I thought I had to struggle. I thought maybe if I work for it, put the time and energy in, then I would finally deserve it, and it would be there, I'd receive it. Now, I know that, if I just get out of my own way, I could be a Cosette. I don't have to fight, so I'm not going to anymore. If it's meant to be it will be, if it's not, it won't. Simple as that. No need to complicate it. As coach keeps telling me, "Love is easy. Relationships are easy." Sometimes we try to make them a lot harder than are. If he's into me, he'll let me know. If he's not letting me know, then he's not into me. Nothing personal, it just is what it is. I can see a change happening in me.
This time, as I watch this beautiful play,  I see Eponine as where I was, and Cossette as where I am going. Gotta love it when growth and progress are happening so quickly you can see it before your very own eyes. The future is looking very promising.

 

Discovering Me

In January’s Women’s Group, we were challenged to define who we are. I found it to be a tough task, at first, due to the the fact that I am in the middle of this huge transition at the moment. I feel like I am in the midst of this mass chaos between who I was and who I am becoming. The challenge brought me to a place where I had to find the core of both. As different as I am from Holly one year ago, much less Holly 15-20 years ago, there are qualities that were always there, whether I realized it at the time or not. With hindsight being 20/20 as it is, I was able to see the great qualities that I had even before I had learned to love myself. As for those that I still couldn’t really see, well that’s what my girls are for. After coming up with our own list, everyone helped us to see some of the qualities that we may have missed.

Although, learning to love and be loved is one of my main life lessons this time around, I have always been a loving person. I saw the good in everyone. I loved everyone. I’ve always been a hugger and a cuddler. I love to give and receive affection. At one point, the world around me told me it wasn’t okay to love like that, so I learned to stop expressing it. The past few years I have been freeing myself more and more and those around me can see it. I am allowing myself, once again, to express my loving nature. 

I am also joyful, silly, fun and friendly. I was blessed with a childhood of playing hard, and a dad that, still to this day, is the biggest kid I’ve ever met. He introduced me to the many joys of a good prank war. He taught me how to laugh at myself, and never to take life to seriously. It is what has kept me sane all these years. When I do have those occasional moments of taking life to seriously, I take time out to do something fun. If you have ever met my dad, you know what it is to belly laugh until it hurts and tears are coming out of your eyes. 

One of the things that I listed that I wanted for myself (I was pleasantly surprised to see that I am currently working on everything that I listed) was to keep learning. This was inspired by my little brother. You have to be smart to keep up with that one, but it’s so worth it. I love being able to understand his wittiness, and the great banter among him and his friends. He may seem quiet to outsiders, but he is pretty hilarious. His vocabulary surpassed mine when I was in high school and he was in elementary school. That inspired me to start expanding my own vocabulary, and here I am. A writer, and back in college at 32. 

Apparently, I missed a few, so the girls filled in a few of the blanks for me. One of them said I was talented. I found that very sweet and unexpected. I love music, acting, singing and dancing, but I always made the comment that I was more heart than talent. I assumed I wasn’t that great at any of it, I just loved it too much to stop. It is a great joy in my life and always has been. My mom once told me that the only time I was happy in middle school was when I was on stage. It’s definitely a love of mine that has always been there.

Thoughtful, outgoing and committed to personal growth were also a few that I had overlooked. Like I mentioned earlier with the transitional chaos around me it’s been hard to realize why it’s even there. I will admit, I am frantically stirring this pot of transition. Between work, school, kickboxing, eating better, taking better care of myself, healing after healing, I really am taking a lot of action to become the woman I want to be. This woman’s group helped me to see the parts of that woman that is already there. The parts of her that have always been there. 

Happy Birthday Dr. King

This is actually a blog from MLK Day 2010 that I originally posted on my old livejournal:

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. 

Martin Luther King, Jr.

I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality... I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.
Martin Luther King, Jr.


In celebration of Dr. King’s birthday, I’ve enclosed some of my favorite quotes of his.

Discrimination is something that has always been an issue that is close to my heart. I grew up in South Florida, the melting pot of the world. I was so blessed with the experience of meeting and befriending so many different people from so many different cultures, backgrounds and lifestyles. To me this was truly fascinating and fun.

Here we are, almost 47 years after his “I Have a Dream” speech, and so many people still aren’t grasping what he was fighting for.

Not superiority of any race, equality. Not hate, love.

It baffles me that there are still so many people who are looking to judge everyone that is different from them in any way. It seems as though they look for reasons to hate. They can’t find anything legitimate to hate so they start grabbing at straws. Nationality, skin color, accent, hair color, clothes, weight, height, it’s all equally ridiculous as far as I’m concerned.

Moving to the country has been a challenge in this particular area. I’m not used to people still using “the N word” in a derogatory manner. It feels like a knife stabbing me in the gut every time I hear it. In Miami, I always heard “Nigga” which is used in the same context as “homie”. Not such a big deal to me. Why, you may ask? The heart behind it. It wasn’t being used hatefully, quite the opposite actually.

It’s not the things you say or do, you see, it is actually the heart behind them that matters. People need to learn to see eachother that way. Look to the heart of people, not the color of their skin.

I have so many friends and family of other races, backgrounds and lifestyles that I just can not imagine my life without them.

To those of you that continue to discriminate. I urge you to choose love. You are truly missing out on a lot of great people and a lot of great experiences.

Love and light to all of you. Take this day to remember we are all connected. We are here to love and learn."