Last Sunday I had an “Ah ha” moment as Oprah calls them. I looked around Inner Quest and was able to see, so incredibly clearly, how much I have learned and how much healing has happened, just since August. I fought my way through some emotional breakthroughs and my IQ Family, without missing a beat was there showering me with love, encouragement and guidance as soon as they noticed.
I’m not one to cry when other people are around. I try to keep my issues to myself mostly. Most of my life they were just a burden to those around me, they had more important things to concern themselves with. So, I learned to keep it to myself and figure out some way to cope with it on my own or tuck it away somewhere.
Metaphysics of Christmas brought up a lot within me that I needed to deal with and push myself through. I’ve always loved performing, be it dancing, singing, acting, twirling flags and riffles with the color guard, music..you name it, I loved to do it. I still love it. The last show I did before this was West Side Story back around 2003ish. It was the best experience I had ever had up to that point of my life. I had always felt like my heart and passion far surpassed my actual talent. For the first time, I felt kind of talented. Talented enough anyways. I was, for the first time in my life, 100% accepted into a group of people. When the play ended, I moved away. I tried to get back on stage, but once, again, I found myself fighting against negativity. I was so tired of fighting, so I gave up on myself and gave up everything I love and began to believe all of the ridiculous reasons why I was being told I shouldn’t be doing what I love. I didn’t have a whole lot of self-worth at the time, so it was easy to get to a place dark enough to make me give up. Between working, getting my own place, and becoming sort of a groupie to a local band or two I was able to keep myself distracted. I always missed being on stage, though.
Fast forward to about 3 years ago. It was the first time I had heard about metaphysics and energy healing. I was doing the whole old school sort of church thing at the time, so I wasn’t sure if it was okay. I’ve always had this deal with God, if it’s something you want me to do make it easy, make it happen. By the end of the conversation I not only has an appointment, but it was paid for. Doesn’t get much easier that that, so I went. It was absolutely life-altering, and this huge wave of healing and change began after being stuck for so long.
This past Summer I started getting into the really deep rooted emotional stuff (which I took as a good sign because it meant I made it through all the miscellaneous junk). Maybe a month after I came to that realization I moved to Roswell and found Inner Quest Metaphysical Christian Church, or it found me, however you want to look at it. We found eachother.
My first day there, I nervously entered as the newbie not really knowing what to expect. My last experience with “churches” left a bad taste in my mouth, nonetheless, this felt like a good thing. I was welcomed with a truly sincere warmth, kindness and love. I always felt like other “churches” were nice with an agenda. Not at Inner Quest. They are loving because it overflows from within them and spills out onto anyone that gets close enough. They’re huggers (one of my favorite things about my IQ family) so it’s not hard. I felt very comfortable, it fit like a glove. I felt as though I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
When I first walked in I was still holding that fear of getting too close to people. Afraid I would get hurt if I let anyone in. It didn’t take long for that to lift. I began to realize, IQ is a safe place. I’m not going to get analyzed or judged.
My first day there I heard that they were beginning sign ups for their Christmas Musical. I heard the word musical and was one of the first to sign up. I didn’t realize the adventure that it was going to become. I had gotten a two line solo. The first few rehearsals, what came out of me was horrible, to my own ears, at least, and I knew I was capable of so much more. Still they cheered me on. I figured they were just humoring me. They didn’t know what I was used to being able to do. Those old, discouraging voices I always heard began to haunt me, again. All of the “your not good enough” “you shouldn’t be putting yourself out there with the way you look” “you’re making a fool of yourself” etc etc. I fought through it to the best of my ability, but eventually I got so frustrated that I got teary eyed at the church after one of the rehearsals and attempted to sneak off unnoticed so no one else would have to deal with me. Suffice it to say, my attempt was unsuccessful. Their reaction however was so incredibly contrary to anything I had experienced before. One hug turned into about 10. Everyone unconditionally loved me through it. No one treated me like I was crazy or ridiculous. I got calls later on checking on me to make sure I was okay. Once I got through it, it was never held against me ever again. Once it was over, it was over and we moved forward. I fought off all of the old thoughts and was able to replace them with this new love I was surrounded by. Before I knew it I was busting through walls with ease.
Even just since Metaphysics of Christmas my life has changed. I find myself feeling a lot safer in loving and letting people in. Not that I have mastered it, but I have gotten a lot better. I have to keep my ego in check. Loving is way more important than the fear of getting hurt. Allowing oneself to be loved has proven to be incredibly beautiful, once experienced any risk involved no longer matters.
Do not underestimate the power of unconditional love. It can change lives. It can change the world.
A huge THANK YOU to my Inner Quest family. I love you all dearly, and I have no idea where I would be without you all. Thank you for being a part of my adventure and thank you for letting me be a part of yours. You've already brought me so much love, joy, fun and laughter in such a short amount of time. I wanted to make sure you all know without a doubt how much I love and appreciate every single one of you.
Love and Light! See you Sunday :)
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
If I Knew Then What I Know Now
“What would you do if you had your current level of knowledge in your high school surroundings?”
This was the question posed in Renee’s Blog Sparks for February. The journals I was reading through before my last post were around the time I got my first apartment (2006 or 2007). Even though it was merely 4 or 5 years ago, it seems like a different era. So much has changed since then.
Renee is taking me back even before that, back to high school, which was over 12 years ago.
I think if I went back to high school in my current mentality things could have been different, but I’m not sure how different I would want them to be. I could have done the whole popular thing, but I don’t think I would have enjoyed it very much. I had friends from every different group, a few really close ones. I, also, had loner tendencies. Especially when it came to certain things that I enjoyed doing, but didn’t seem to fit in with everyone else with the same interest. I don’t know that I truly fit in anywhere, but my love of performing trumped my need for socialization. I was an only child a lot of my life, I remained my mom’s one and only. Despite that there was little to no time or energy to be put into me, so I got used to being alone and doing my own thing, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. I was fine doing my own thing. Even if no one else wanted to do it or if I wasn’t accepted in a certain world, I would do what I wanted to do anyway, and just mind my own business. I would get bullied and put down, but they couldn’t make me quit. I kept going, but I just kept to myself. I didn’t want the drama, I didn’t want to fight. I didn’t think I was someone worth fighting for, but I loved what I was doing too much to let some jerks run me out.
Now, I am even more sensitive to energy, and with my new found self worth, I don’t know that I would have been so quiet and non-chalant. On the upside, their words would not have been able to hurt me as much as they did.
Being more open to love, I think the dances, especially prom, could have gone differently. Prom was a not so great experience, and that is one thing I always wanted to do over, again, and do differently. I usually didn’t bring dates to banquets and dances. The few times I did, they were trying to hook up with everyone else (it hurt especially bad when my date was one of my best friends at the time), so I figured it would just be easier to go stag and dance the night away with my friends. A few people here a CEA have been talking about me helping to plan a prom, so if nothing else, I can make up for it by giving these kids a great prom.
I am grateful that I was never the kind of girl that needed male attention so badly that I would do anything for it. I think I was pretty much the opposite. It was probably hard for anyone to get too close. I got hurt a lot, so I’m sure I had a pretty big wall up. I’m really not sure what difference my current state would have made in those situations. Although I’ve gone through a lot of healing, there is still hesitance when it comes to letting people in. The good ones have the patience to break through what is left of the wall. Those are the friends worth keeping.
I enjoyed my high school days to the best of my ability. I think the biggest difference would be that I’m ready for college, now and I have grown a little more future minded. I’m content with the majority of my high school experience. The friends I had were good quality friends for the most part. I did what I wanted to do, hung out with who I wanted to hang out with and strived to find happy places and safe zones wherever I could (it wasn’t as easy as it sounds, that’s why I was always looking for them). I did the best I could do with what I had, and for me it was enough, even if it wasn’t for anyone else.
Understanding other people the way I do now would probably affect the way I treated people, or my personal feelings for them anyhow. I now understand that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have and my expectations of someone doesn’t mean that they are willing or able to be who I need them to be. I understand that hate is fear based cowardice. Bullying is the way some people cope with being afraid. Putting others down is a way for people to attempt to hide their own insecurities. Seeing the reality in the way I was treated has changed things for me. Putting me down, bullying me, all those attempts at making me feel worthless really had very little to do with me. It was something within them, and picking on me was merely an outlet. Had I known that then, it could have changed things, or at least my reactions to things.
I’m just not sure that I would have wanted anything to change. Maybe it could have been better, but then, again, maybe not. There are a lot of lessons I might have missed out on, but then, again, there could have been easier ways to learn them, but would I have even been able to learn what I needed to learn the easy way. Odds are, probably not.
All in all, I don’t think high school was a time for maturity and wisdom. It was a time for having fun and being carefree. I wouldn't change a thing. I’m content with the way everything has turned out. I am a firm believer that there is a reason for everything, we just have to find it.
This was the question posed in Renee’s Blog Sparks for February. The journals I was reading through before my last post were around the time I got my first apartment (2006 or 2007). Even though it was merely 4 or 5 years ago, it seems like a different era. So much has changed since then.
Renee is taking me back even before that, back to high school, which was over 12 years ago.
I think if I went back to high school in my current mentality things could have been different, but I’m not sure how different I would want them to be. I could have done the whole popular thing, but I don’t think I would have enjoyed it very much. I had friends from every different group, a few really close ones. I, also, had loner tendencies. Especially when it came to certain things that I enjoyed doing, but didn’t seem to fit in with everyone else with the same interest. I don’t know that I truly fit in anywhere, but my love of performing trumped my need for socialization. I was an only child a lot of my life, I remained my mom’s one and only. Despite that there was little to no time or energy to be put into me, so I got used to being alone and doing my own thing, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. I was fine doing my own thing. Even if no one else wanted to do it or if I wasn’t accepted in a certain world, I would do what I wanted to do anyway, and just mind my own business. I would get bullied and put down, but they couldn’t make me quit. I kept going, but I just kept to myself. I didn’t want the drama, I didn’t want to fight. I didn’t think I was someone worth fighting for, but I loved what I was doing too much to let some jerks run me out.
Now, I am even more sensitive to energy, and with my new found self worth, I don’t know that I would have been so quiet and non-chalant. On the upside, their words would not have been able to hurt me as much as they did.
Being more open to love, I think the dances, especially prom, could have gone differently. Prom was a not so great experience, and that is one thing I always wanted to do over, again, and do differently. I usually didn’t bring dates to banquets and dances. The few times I did, they were trying to hook up with everyone else (it hurt especially bad when my date was one of my best friends at the time), so I figured it would just be easier to go stag and dance the night away with my friends. A few people here a CEA have been talking about me helping to plan a prom, so if nothing else, I can make up for it by giving these kids a great prom.
I am grateful that I was never the kind of girl that needed male attention so badly that I would do anything for it. I think I was pretty much the opposite. It was probably hard for anyone to get too close. I got hurt a lot, so I’m sure I had a pretty big wall up. I’m really not sure what difference my current state would have made in those situations. Although I’ve gone through a lot of healing, there is still hesitance when it comes to letting people in. The good ones have the patience to break through what is left of the wall. Those are the friends worth keeping.
I enjoyed my high school days to the best of my ability. I think the biggest difference would be that I’m ready for college, now and I have grown a little more future minded. I’m content with the majority of my high school experience. The friends I had were good quality friends for the most part. I did what I wanted to do, hung out with who I wanted to hang out with and strived to find happy places and safe zones wherever I could (it wasn’t as easy as it sounds, that’s why I was always looking for them). I did the best I could do with what I had, and for me it was enough, even if it wasn’t for anyone else.
Understanding other people the way I do now would probably affect the way I treated people, or my personal feelings for them anyhow. I now understand that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have and my expectations of someone doesn’t mean that they are willing or able to be who I need them to be. I understand that hate is fear based cowardice. Bullying is the way some people cope with being afraid. Putting others down is a way for people to attempt to hide their own insecurities. Seeing the reality in the way I was treated has changed things for me. Putting me down, bullying me, all those attempts at making me feel worthless really had very little to do with me. It was something within them, and picking on me was merely an outlet. Had I known that then, it could have changed things, or at least my reactions to things.
I’m just not sure that I would have wanted anything to change. Maybe it could have been better, but then, again, maybe not. There are a lot of lessons I might have missed out on, but then, again, there could have been easier ways to learn them, but would I have even been able to learn what I needed to learn the easy way. Odds are, probably not.
All in all, I don’t think high school was a time for maturity and wisdom. It was a time for having fun and being carefree. I wouldn't change a thing. I’m content with the way everything has turned out. I am a firm believer that there is a reason for everything, we just have to find it.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Life is Good
I ran across some of my older journals last night and began to read through a few of them. It was interesting to go back to where I was and read about all of things I was going through. Seeing where I’ve been and how far I have gotten since then. So much has changed.
I wrote of the dreadful office job in the back room of a warehouse with no windows and how frustrated I was just to have to get up and go there in the mornings, especially after talking on the phone almost every night until the early morning hours to a friend that I rarely speak to now.
All of the struggles of loving people who simply didn’t love me back, of learning to love myself, and one-sided friendships.
I truly am grateful for all everything I went through because I have learned a lot, and am able to better appreciate what I have now.
I’m surrounded by people who are not afraid to break through the walls and insecurities and love me for who I am. Right through the craziness. I love having people to laugh with, cry with, be silly with and love with. I have 2 jobs and I love them both. Had I not had to endure those customer service jobs stuck in cubicles, I may not have been able to fully appreciate what I do now.
After going through all of those one-sided, drama filled friendships starring me as the resident door mat, I am able to see how far I’ve come. In learning to love myself, I have found my strength. I deserve to be treated better than that.
I lost a few friends along that path, but they were the friends that liked me better as a door mat, and so many more wonderful people came in their place.
I am so glad to be on this part of my path. It’s not so much the destination as it is the journey to get there. I have to admit, I am really enjoying the adventure.
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