Caging the Beast

In the wake of Robin Williams death, I have seen an outpouring of love, shock, sadness, and people finding a piece of themselves in his story. People speaking out about their experiences with depression, who are taking this opportunity to help people understand that depression is a real thing. I started to comment on my cousin, Roxee’s, post about the pain of her depression. It started getting pretty long so I decided to make it a blog, because I feel that what I have to say needs to be heard. I will give you a brief look at my depression, but what I think is even more important is what it has taught me.

I have dealt with depression since I was about 5 or 6. I can’t pinpoint exactly what brought it on because there was a lot happening then. I came into this world loving hard, and it didn’t take me long to realize that hurting hard came with that. As, an Indigo kid, I came to this planet with a remembrance of where I came from. So not only was I in a lot of pain growing up that I had learned to bottle up, but I remember how much better things were on the other side. In middle school, it got really hard and I desperately wanted out. Suicidal thoughts ran rampant and I made a few measly attempts that consisted of an attempt to overdose on Tylenol that I found out years later was the equivalent of two prescription strength Tylenols, and sitting in a bathroom with a plastic McDonalds knife for a half hour after which I gave up  because I could barely break the skin. Give me a break, I was 12 and had no idea what I was doing, which I am now grateful for. The suicidal thoughts continued through high school. I had been so convinced that I was useless that I actually remember talking over a plan with God. I wanted to be taken off of the planet before high school graduation. I knew I was going to fail at real life, and if I died then instead of years and years of disappointment, my friends and family would talk about all of the promise I had, and I they know I would have lived up to all of their expectations, if only I had stayed. I knew staying here meant defying all expectations, because I am far from normal, and I tend to dream big, bigger than most of the people around me at the time could understand. The problem with that was I never felt good enough, or worthy enough to chase those dreams until fairly recently. 

I was always alone a lot, I still am, but not as much as I used to be. That gave me way too much time to overthink everything, and for my self talk to get really loud and overwhelming. I tried to numb the pain and quiet my self talk with TV, music, movies, dancing and singing. My mom once told me that the only time I seemed truly happy in middle school was when I was on stage.

Lake Placid was always a good escape from hurting, too. It’s like the pressure was off for a little while, and we just got to play all day. It was always a place where I could find peace and happiness. Even when I was alone there, it was a more peaceful kind of alone.

 

I began therapy around 7 years old, and continued it into my 20’s while I had health insurance. Then I started finding other ways of coping. I found Christianity, and got into the local band scene, which totally fed my love for music. I threw myself into being a fan and friend of a band called Saline (sorry, guys, if you are reading this, I don’t remember what random letters were capitalized. Haha), and then for a band called Crimson Vera. They are all amazing people, and I wanted to somehow, even in a small way be a part of something great. I didn’t know at the time that I was capable of creating greatness, too. I have always had a desire to touch the world, to touch people, to bring happiness, joy and laughter. I just didn’t realize my own power in my life. Live music is still therapeutic to me. I have met so many talented musicians, and made some friends for life in that world. Plus, how many people can say that their favorite musicians know them by name. Haha. It was actually the love, kindness and friendship of one of those musicians that helped me realize my worth. That was when I began to really heal. I had my first Spiritual healing session in 2007. It changed my life. This is when I fell in love with being a healer, and got into metaphysics. I went back every three months for a year and a half until I moved to Georgia, again. I had my own apartment in Florida which gave me plenty of room to heal and grow. My first two years here were kind of chaotic, but once I got into my apartment in Roswell, I was back to healing lifetimes worth hurt in a matter of months. During those first two years I got my Reiki Masters, and began my work as a healer. I have, also, continued to get healing from friends I have made in the metaphysical world.

My healing journey has been a constant one, but I have learned a lot about people in the process. Healing myself and helping others has become a borderline addiction. I love crying it out and then waking up in the morning feeling 30 pounds lighter. Which is weird because I used to hate crying and it was something I would never do in front of people. As a matter of fact, I was really close to the family of the catalyst musician I mentioned earlier. His dad used to make me watch those extreme home makeover shows just to watch me squirm. It would make the whole family giggle. We were close enough that I knew he wasn’t doing it to be mean, just to mess with me. They, also, know that I have a good sense of humor. We just had those tease each other kind of relationships. Nowadays, I’ve cried so much in healing and releasing that I have learned to embrace it. Plus, if you cry around the right people, you get hugs, and I do love hugs. I have found a beauty in letting people be there for me. I thought I was showing weakness before, but I have realized that with the right people, it really can be a beautiful experience. 

Now that you have some background on me, here is what I was going to share with Roxee on Robin Williams and what I have learned on my journey through depression. 

I have gotten feedback from those closest to me, and they tell me that I have characteristics like loving, affectionate, kind, joyful, funny, silly, talented, a good friend, generous and fun. I have been told that I can light up a room. A lot of this is what you will also hear people say about Robin Williams, too. He would walk into a room and it would uplift everyone in the room. This is a part of depression that people don’t always understand. It’s the kind of character that you learn to be because of the pain. People like Robin and I, we have felt pain so deeply that we become the type person that will do anything they can to keep those around us from feeling pain. That’s why we do our best to be joyful, giving, happy and funny. We don’t want you to hurt, and if you do hurt and we can’t take it away completely, then we want to make you forget about it for a little while, at least. One of my best friends pointed out to me not too long ago that I say hi to everyone. I didn’t realize that I did that until she said something. Before I realized what I was saying I responded to her with, “well, you never know who’s having a bad day, or has been feels ignored, neglected or unappreciated.” We want people feeling better when they leave than they did when they walked in. This is the true meaning of beauty from pain. You don’t pass it on, you attempt to alleviate it. I have gotten to a point where I run my depression, it no longer runs me. I have healed a lot, and I will never stop healing. My drive to help myself and others is stronger than it has ever been, which is why I am a finally back in school and studying to be a counselor. 

I have, also, learned, as I mentioned earlier, that when you hurt hard, you can love hard. When you don’t take a risk on letting people in, you block out the good with bad. You have to let yourself be loved, and you have to let yourself love. Your self talk is key here, and you have control over it. Yell “NO!” at it and change it to something positive. Your self talk is your belief system, and a belief is just a thought that you keep thinking. So if you think a new thought, and just keep thinking it, it will become a belief. Also, remember that “I am” is a powerful phrase because what you put after it is what you create. It’s the basics of the Law of Attraction. Don’t focus on what you don’t want or don’t have because you will attract more of that. Focus on what you do want and be grateful for what you do have, so that you can attract the life you do want.

We should all strive to be love. If you are someone who does not suffer from depression, then please don’t try to discredit those who do. It is real, and it can be dangerous if untreated. Emotional pain doesn’t leave scars you can see with the naked eye, but if you take a deeper look with your heart you will see that the damage is real and the wounds need to be tended to. We all need love, and we have it in abundance, so give it away as much as you can because you will never run out. Our journeys are our own, and they are all going to look different, and that’s okay. Just love anyway. Allow people to heal on their terms. What worked for you may not work for them, so just listen and find out what it is that they need. 

If you do happen to be someone who struggles with depression, please make sure you are talking to someone who can help you. You need to know that you are not alone, and you are worth helping. You are loved, just look around and feel it. Those who love you may not know how to help you, so you have to speak up and fight for yourself. Fight for your right to be free of the pain and torment. You can get there. It can happen. You are worth it. If you don’t know where to get help then call me or write to me and I will do what I can to help. Even if you just need an ear to hear or a shoulder to cry on (I am one of those people that will hug you if you are crying around me, by the way). You are here for a reason, and sometimes you have to cage the beast so you can really see and understand your purpose. It’s there. Don’t give up. It may not be easy, but it will be worth it. Trust me.

Lots of Love and Light to all of you. 

Pass around some love today.

Perfect Imperfections

About 2 years ago, I had a conversation with a very dear (basically a part of the family), brilliant-minded friend. He read my blogs, complimented me on my writing skills and offered a little critique that I didn’t fully understand until today. He, essentially, told me to be more imperfect. 

I didn’t know what to make of that. I wasn’t offended in the least, we are close enough for me to know that not only is he smart and a talented writer, but he’s always treated me wonderfully. His opinion is one I have always respected, so I took it to heart and really tried to get a handle on what he meant. If you are wondering why I didn’t just ask him it’s simply because it’s more fun to figure it out for myself.....even if it takes a few years. 

I began to think to myself how incredibly imperfect I already am. How do I become more imperfect? Wait! Why would I want to become more imperfect? I thought the whole point was to be better. To get closer to becoming perfect, not shying away from it. I thought I was being pretty real. I would express what I had been through, and end with how I overcame it and some encouraging words......oh, wait. There it is. I had only been expressing the bad and the ugly that I had already overcome. 

My aha moment today has lead me to a deeper understanding of not only myself, but what he meant by his critique. I am finally figuring out that our imperfections are part of what make us beautiful. We are lovable because of them, not despite them. 

In fact, many of things I’ve been keeping from the world out of fear that they aren’t good enough to be shared are the exact things I am meant to be sharing. My love for instance, as loving as I let the world see that I am, I am still holding back. The passion that happens within me, that wants to be expressed, is often too much for people to handle. So, in an attempt to remain accepted, I hold back. With holding back, I tend to keep people from getting too close and finding out who I really am. You know where that has gotten me? Alone. 

My talents and my passions, the fact that many people, my family included, don’t know they exist is a surefire sign that I am not properly expressing them. I love to dance and I love to sing. Unless you have done a musical with me, or seen a musical that I have been in (which have been few and far between since West Side Story) then you probably don’t know that I am pretty decent at both. Why hide it, then. Well, old thought patterns, I guess. I have this old belief that because I am overweight (as I have been most of my life) I should be ashamed to do such things. I’m not, but I wondered if I should be. I am getting to the bottom of this whole, “who cares what people think” thing.

 I am, also, an intuitive healer. My heart’s desire is to bring healing, joy, love and laughter to the world. There are no words that can describe what goes on inside of me when someone is hurting, be it physically or emotionally. I can’t fins words to describe it because it’s a feeling I can’t even fully understand. The worst is when my guidance tells me to do nothing. I have to somehow fight back this urge to help. It’s almost painful, but not everyone can handle what I bring to the table. So, I hold back.

Then there is my darkness. This is the part that a lot of us are taught to hide. My darkness is the girl who gets burnt out and needs a break from holding it all together. It’s in the depressing and lonely days I spend with Netflix, Facebook and a fluffy pillow every now and then. I am at my darkest during the deepest of healing when I am faced with my demons and fighting them head on, and when I have to release someone or something I love deeply for my greater good. One of my soul sisters loves to tell me that I heal lifetimes worth of stuff in a year. That level of work comes with some dark days. Dark days that I used to feel bad about, until I finally realized their purpose and began to embrace them.

I always fought hard to hide my darkness. I was afraid to let people see the bad and the ugly. I thought it would be unacceptable and that people would begin to realize that I wasn’t as lovable as they thought. 

I continued to contemplate as I do. First I should tell you, that in learning to love myself, I had to look at myself as my best friend. I thought what would I want my best friend to think of herself, how would I want her to feel about herself? If she were in my situation, what would I tell her to do? I am much better at loving others than I am at loving myself, so this worked well for me. I used it to wrap my head around the concept that my darkness is okay. I don’t have to hide it. I thought about the people closest to me. The ones who have let me see their darkness, their bad, their ugly, the deepest parts of their soul. It didn’t make them less lovable at all. If anything, it only deepened our connection even more. I love these people even more now for trusting me, and knowing that I would continue to love them, not despite their darkness, but because of it. 

We all have it, and we don’t have to hide it. We should be allowed to feel whatever it is that we feel. You have to feel it to heal it. How else are you going to know it’s there. You’re darkness and your lightness are both a part of what makes you who you are. They are both part of what makes you beautiful. 

 So today, I will strive to be unapologetically me. The good, 

the bad, the ugly. The light, the dark. The love, the fear. I will own it all. My love, my talents, my passions. I will accept it all. I will express it all. I will deem it beautiful. 

Sing Your Song

“I’m an artist, and I’m sensitive about my shit.”

-Erica Badu

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you will remember my blog about the lost love I will never get over. If you haven’t read it, you can click here to read it.

That great love was the stage. It’s a relationship I have been trying to get back for the past few years and it’s not always easy. I always considered myself to be more heart than talent, as my talent was rarely validated by those who I felt I needed it from back in my high school years. I never got solos and had to fight to be in show choir because I loved it so much. At home, it was all blamed on my weight, but in my mind I had always blamed it on having more heart than talent. I did everything I possibly could to be on stage dancing, singing, twirling things, acting, step team, whatever I could do, I auditioned for everything. After high school I mostly danced. Tap, jazz and hip hop were my favorites. I just never could understand why I had such a passion to do things I wasn’t that great at. So, I continued to do a lot of dancing and singing when I was home alone (I still do).

One day when I was 22, just for the fun of it, I decided to go to this audition I saw in the newspaper for West Side Story. I actually got the part of Consuelo. I had been in musicals before and loved it, but I was always in the choir. For the first time ever, I had a character with a name. For the first time ever I felt like I was truly a part of something. I felt like I fit in somewhere. I played Consuelo for a year and then moved back to Atlanta. Something happened when I moved that time. I full on gave up on myself, and gave up on doing what I love. I would still sing and dance at home, but it was rare that it was ever actually seen. For some reason I shut down after West Side Story. I went on a few auditions, and they didn’t go well. Maybe that’s why I gave up. Maybe it was stuff that was being said by people around me. Maybe it was just a mix of a lot of things, but I can see, looking back, that I was in a pretty dark place from mid-2003 to mid-2006. In mid-2006, I made some friends that brightened up my world, I got out on my own, and in 2007 really began my healing journey. 

It took me until I started going to IQ to slowly step out onto the stage, again, little by little. I started out with doing their annual production of the Metaphysics of Christmas, which I have done every year since. I have seen my role in that grow and expand each year which has been pretty neat. I, also, got involved in the IQ Players plays after my first Metaphysics of Christmas. I tried the choir there for a little while, and discovered that it wasn’t for me. Recently, the church decided to revamp the music program, so I because a part of that to see what I could contribute. It was a better fit, but I still felt I could only contribute very little so I contributed what I could. In the last month or two, I have had the opportunity to help out on the cajon while the girl that usually does it was out of town. 

Then last weekend happened. Around when I first played the cajon, I was informed that I would be singing Seasons of Love on May 28th. I graciously accepted as my whole body began to freak out. Getting up on stage in a theater, the audience is one entity. In this particular setting, the audience was a couple of people that I’ve known for years that would, in fact, see me, again. Repeatedly. What if I make a mess of myself and this song? What if I’m really rusty, and I suck at this, again? What are people going to think of me after this (this was a surprising one, as I thought I had healed this already)? What if they find out that I suck and never let me sing, again? 

The answer to all of those today (now that it’s over) is so what. I got up there with all of my nerves and my allergies and sang my heart out. It felt great. I put everything I could into it. I was getting positive feedback. It was all going great. Until last week. Wednesday, I received an email of hesitation about posting the video of my singing. This had happened a few times up to this point. Now, I could care less, I am going to post it, through my own avenues, but last Wednesday was a little different. The anxiety of, yet, again, pouring my heart and soul into something that was, again, going to be deemed “not enough” or “not good enough”. AGAIN! This is something that used to happen to me all the time, but hasn’t happened that much in a while, because frankly, despite all of these blogs I post, there is still a lot I don’t put out there. This time I allowed myself to be vulnerable and put my heart and soul on display, and it was deemed unfit. AGAIN. I took the day and cried the whole way home from work (which was a 2 hour drive because I was supposed to go to a friend’s house, and that got cancelled when I was almost there, so I had to turn around and head back in rush hour traffic). When I got home, I sat with some comfort food crying some more. I was on and off the phone with two of my sisters from other misters, then I meditated to heal whatever core issue was causing the pain and slept it off. 

It’s not easy to give so much of yourself, and get brushed off like it’s no big deal. I’m having to learn that there is always going to be a chance of that, but you have to give it your all, anyway. It’ll be enough for someone. It will make someone smile. It will make someone’s day. It may not always be the someone you are wanting the validation from, but isn’t making at least one person’s heart smile the whole point of doing anything from the heart. It doesn’t always have to be a particular person. Maybe that’s not who God intended your heart work to be for. It will reach whoever it is intended for.

A good friend of mine was telling me that I was holding onto my gifts to tightly. I hold them close to my heart as if they are sacred, and they are, but their purpose is meant for so much more that my protection. They are meant to be shared. That’s why I decided to step out and sing, again, in a venue where it would be seen and could be shared. So despite my need to be great, I am going to post it even though it may not be. I am going to post it so that my heart work can at least be given a chance to make someone smile (or laugh, if it’s really as bad as it was made out to be). I know it may not have been great, but I didn’t think it was all that bad. 

So here’s the video:

Holly covering Seasons of Love from Holly V on Vimeo.

Wait For the Catch, or Catch What You Can

"Wait for the catch, or catch what you can."
- "Love's Song" by Kids

Click here to see the lyrics in the info bar under the video.

Click here to get this song and the rest of the C&I Studios Valentine's Day EP.
(This one is listed as "Love's Song by Joshua Diaz". I do, however, highly recommend the entire EP, it's fantastic.)

I remember watching an interview with Mel Brooks and Anne Bancroft where Anne was describing the feeling she got whenever she would hear Mel put the key in the door when he got home. She talked about the excitement welling up in her as she would think “Oh, boy. The fun is about to begin!!” 40 years of marriage and she still got so excited everyday when he got home. 

This is great love. It is what I have dreamt of all of my life. Not some big wedding, not a house with a picket fence, not a fancy car or a fat bank account. Great love. A love that would give the rest of the world hope, and bring people joy and even laughter, which is essentially joy out loud. 

As a hopeless romantic, great love is something I have always believed in. However, it wasn’t until maybe this past year or two that I began to believe in it as an attainable goal for myself. It would have to be, I suppose. I’m not big on settling. I am a “wait for the catch” type of girl (if you listen to the song posted above, you will get the reference). I am 34 and I can still count on both hands the men that I have kissed. 

My heart has known love and my heart has known pain. I have often loved without reciprocation, but I have learned to not require it. Love is not a debt that acquires, needing to be repaid. It is to be given freely as one sees fit. When I was 19, I was in my first and worst car accident. One of the biggest lessons I got from that experience was to let people know that I loved and cared for them. There were people that were coming out of the woodworks that I had no idea cared about me, and there were people that I cared about that I hadn’t been able to properly express that love to. Those of you who didn't know me back then may find that hard to imagine. It has been a process, as I knew it would be, which is why I chose my teachers and experiences carefully. Especially in my younger years. 

Opening myself up to loving has been a journey. I first had to learn to be a better friend, especially to myself. It’s a part of me that I am constantly working on. Even though I still tend to get down on myself from time to time, I am a lot quicker on the recovery. It has, also, become a lot more rare of an occasion. 

Realizing my worth has opened me up to a world of strength and confidence. I know how I want to be treated, and I know what kind of treatment is unacceptable. I stand up for myself. 

Learning to love myself has been vital in learning to better love others. In better loving others I have, also, had to learn to accept their love in return. 

Letting love in has been a pretty big lesson for me to learn. One I am also still working on mastering. Although, I got compliments growing up, I got picked on more, which caused me to assume that any compliments I received were out of pity. I learned to accept them gracefully, but never let them past the walls I had put up to protect myself. Something about it made me feel vulnerable and unsafe. 

I remember the first time that I actually took a compliment. I mean really took it to heart. I was about 26, and there was this dear friend of mine (he still is a very dear friend, he just was back then, too) who would speak with such love and sincerity that there was no way to debate it away. My demons were defenseless against it. Every compliment he ever gave me somehow penetrated the walls and went right into my being. I could feel it changing me. As I became more aware that I might be worth something to this planet, I realized I had a lot of “junk” to work through, and I have been working through it ever since. 

In the last year or two, I have really begun to realize that I am finally in a place to love. I am finally that woman that can love greatly. 

I will say this, learning to love greatly has, also taught me to feel greatly. I cry more, especially in front of people (something I did rarely, if ever). I cry tears of extreme joy, and tears of extreme pain and frustration. I laugh hard. I play hard. I work hard. Best of all, I love hard. I can go from “I am woman hear me roar” to “I am tigress hear me purr” to “I am a girl, let me cry. Let me feel.” 

Love is something I feel should be shared with all mankind, but at the same time, Love is God. Love is sacred. So many times I have tried to settle for less than great love. It was good love, they were good men, but there was something I knew wasn’t there. 

How did I know you ask? I will let you in on a little secret. I knew it because I had felt great love before, and nothing has been able to touch that since. I know it exists, and I know it can happen for anybody, even me, and yes, even you. 

Wait for the catch, it’s worth it!

(It is never too late)

Forgive and Forget?

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......”

― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity

There is a power in forgiveness. A power that frees you (not the one you are forgiving). However, there is a fatal flaw in the whole “forgive and forget” mantra. If you forget your experience, you don’t learn from it. 

Forgiveness is releasing the grudge of a wrong-doing, however forgetting can open you up to the same world of hurt all over, again. Forgiving doesn’t mean that nothing changes. It means that you release the hurt, learn from experience, and are moving forward, again. Not forgiving causes you to get stuck where you are. It’s okay to let yourself be hurt or angry. Take some time to feel what you feel and mourn what you need to mourn, just don’t live there. Take a day or two, or even a week if you need it, but make sure you are still doing things that will bring the life back into you. Be around people that make you laugh, accept you for who you are, and make you feel like you are okay even when you are a mess. Do that thing that feeds your soul. Treat yourself as you would treat your best friend who was going through the same situation. Think about what you would want for that person, and then do it for you. 

Understand that there are people who can not face their mistakes. They refuse to look in the mirror, or take responsibility for their part. As much as it sucks, it happens. There’s nothing you can do about it. You can only take responsibility for you. You can watch out for you. You can do what you need to do to release it and move on. You cannot walk their journey for them. You cannot make them grow. You have your own journey and growth to concern yourself with. They are not your responsibility. You are your responsibility. Spend your time, energy and emotions on those who have proven themselves to be true, and always know that you are never alone.

Forgiving doesn't change the past, it changes the future.

 

We Only Fail in our Minds

“We don’t fail in our lives, we only fail in our minds.”

I heard this in today’s message at the metaphysical church I attend. I had never heard this before, and I have to admit, it really got me to thinking. It got me to thinking about my thinking. Especially my old thinking.

I remember when I was in high school. Despite the people who were mean to me I did have friends. I had no bills, money from working at the jet ski shop, and a stage. All I had to do was stick around, it was all right there. 

In this contentment was a lot of fear. I had been convinced that I was a useless and worthless and bound to fail at life. This fear was so big that I secretly hoped some sort of tragedy would take my life before graduation. That way those around me could live out my life in their minds how each one of them would have wanted me to be. Through their imaginations, I could have done great things, but left to my own vices I would fail. I would have to live with the fact that, even though they expected me to fail, they would all be disappointed that I actually did live up to their expectations of failure.

In the eyes of many, including myself, I had been a failure after high school. Totaling cars, quitting college, working all kinds of different jobs, moving every 2-3 years between Florida and Georgia, having trouble with my jobs, having a hard time keeping up with finances, putting on weight, and doomed to be single, nothing seemed to be working out. Anytime I would try to move forward I would get talked out it. As if my own fear of my failure wasn’t bad enough, I had to listen to everyone else’s, as well. 

Finally, in 2006, I broke free of it. I was making decent money and my Dad and my aunt helped me get into my first apartment in South Florida, and I’ve never looked back. Coming into my own was huge for me. Getting to be who I am and see what I could do brought on a lot of growth, empowerment and healing. Not only did I feel like I could actually be successful at life, I was already doing it. It wasn’t long before I really came into my own power. The more I grew and healed, the more empowered I became. The more empowered I became, the more I began to get excited about what was coming next.

When I moved back to Georgia, I came here with a new nanny position. That job, and that family, changed my life. I am no longer capable of having a job that I don’t love. Not only that, but I am beginning to build my own business for my healings and workshops. I have great dreams of changing the world, and I know that I can achieve them, even though the closer I get to the dream the bigger it expands. It is time for me to live my purpose. 

These dreams are what got me back in college in 2011. I am currently a psychology major working towards my A.S. then moving to get my B.A. in New Media Arts with a minor in Psychology. Masters program after that? Probably. 

I can now look back at everything I went through and everything I was feeling, and see it as an experience I needed to be able to accomplish what I  am here to do. 

Did I mention I was diagnosed as an A.D.D. Dyslexic in middle school? Did I mention that it was meant to be carried with the stigma of “there’s something wrong with me”? I had a hard time with the traditional government school system. When that happens, it means there is something wrong with you. Something that was conveniently left out that I found out almost 15 years after the testing......My IQ is above average. Why would no one tell me that part? 

Of course, I have learned since then that the A.D.D. and dyslexia have more to do with me being an Indigo Child than with something being wrong with me. Indigos come in to the world with a remembrance of where we came from and tend to be in more than one dimension at any particular time. Hence, the A.D.D. diagnosis. I’m rarely, if ever, fully here on this plane. Which would explain the fact that I would be writing scripts for the scenarios going on in my mind while I was pretending to take notes. 

Many times I think to myself, if I knew then what I know now, the great things I could have done sooner. At the same time, the timing makes sense. I wouldn’t realize the need for empowerment for kids with learning differences had I not experienced what I had experienced. I would not have the heart and passion to be on the path that I am meant to be on. I wouldn’t have made the great friends I have made along the way. There are people in my life that would not be there had I finished school the first time around, and not gone back to school when I did. I can see the purpose in everything now. I can see everything as an experience that is bringing me to something greater. I now see what I once saw as failures, as experiences. Forcing me forward or rerouting my path.

Are there still people that think of me as a failure? Sure. Most of them have learned to keep it to themselves, though. They know I won’t tolerate listening to it. I know my life doesn’t look anything like someone might imagine when they are holding their child in their arms for the first time. I have not been a traditional girl, nor have I been one to follow any particular set of rules about who or what I should be. I tried everyone else’s path, and it didn’t work. I am getting much farther and am much happier on my own path. I know I may not be what anyone expected, but I am me. I am who I am. I heal so that I can become more me, more who I am meant to be. However, on this enlightened path, never will I be any less me.

The Darkside

Okay, so I have shared the good, the bad and the ugly of my past. Most of my stories have been about what I have overcome or am in the process of overcoming in an attempt to stay positive and uplifting. Today, however, I am getting into the bad and the ugly of my present. 

As many of you know I have been single for many years. Actually, I have never actually been in a real relationship. To date, the longest I’ve dated anyone was for 4 weeks. That was in 1998. I’ve dated very little since then. Actually, last year was the first time I had been kissed in over 10 years. Pathetic? Probably. Embarrasing? Sure. However, I am writing this in hopes that either I’m not alone, or someone will read this and possibly have an idea how to help me.

I have to admit, I’m a little conflicted. Love, in the romantic sense, is something I haven’t experienced, yet. I want to experience it, but at the same time I spent a lot of my life trying to please everyone around me, and I enjoy being independent. Being able to do what I want, when I want is really nice. There is no one to bother, bug or burden. There is just me. I love having time to myself, but sometimes it gets lonely. 

Being capable of being in a relationship is something I have been working on for a long time. It has been a long and frustrating road, but I am not yet at the end of it. I work hard at it because I know it will be worth it when I do finally get to the other side of this.

I just finished the first book of the Fifty Shades of Grey series. It was good, but for some reason it is taking me this dark place. I have to admit I asked for it. I have been begging my angels for this healing. It’s been provided in many different ways and this is just where I am at right now. I wondered if I should put the book aside, but I feel as though this has a purpose. This is all old stuff that I pushed away deep inside of me for years. I need to be in it. I need to feel it. I need to deal with it, and work through it. It has not been easy, nor has it been fun. Every time I would sit down and read the book, I would end up in tears (Which is why I waited a little while before starting the second book. I needed a break from the tears, they can be exhausting day after day.). There’s this mix of anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment, and hurt coursing through me. The good part about it is that is does not compare to the hurt I used to walk around with everyday, and there is so much love and joy in my life that I get a break from it. It usually peeks when I am alone, and is definitely prevalent as I read that book. 

The feelings that have creeped back up on me are the feelings of not being enough. I’m reminded that it’s never me the men want. It’s always been that way. “Your friend’s hot.”, is always what they would say. I rarely took dates to anything because when I did, they never left with me. I got ignored while they were trying to hook up with my friends. The rest were guy friends that “didn’t want to ruin the friendship”. Yes, guys, girls get friend zoned, too. 

The few I did date, didn’t last very long. As soon as they found out I wasn’t easy, they left. I even loved once, but between the two of us being incapable of allowing love we hit a brick wall. He ended up shutting me out of his life, and that was that. We haven’t spoken in like 3 or 4 years. That hurt, I got over it, but it did hurt. I think the worst part was never understanding what I had done to make him hate me all of a sudden. I can’t say it didn’t affect me because I think the fear of that happening, again, took over for a while. I felt disposable, it was like I didn’t matter, and everything we had shared meant nothing. I meant nothing. Thinking I was disposable, and that I would never be good enough, attractive enough or even just enough in general, kept me from letting people get too close. I could get hurt, or worse, I could hurt someone else. 

I was a great bottler of feelings back then, which is why it’s biting me in the ass now. I had to always act strong, as if nothing affected me, even though it always did. Tied together with a smile. Standing firm and taking care of what needed to be taken care of while those around me were granted the luxury of breaking down. Whether that was my cross to bear or not, I bore it as if it was. Now, I get to work through the remnants of what the maltreatment and self hatred left behind. 

I feel as though I need to reiterate, it is no where near what it once was. The depression it once caused was debilitating, and the fear paralyzing. Now, it is merely the tears I need to release it all mixed with introversion. Feeling it and mourning it are a part of the release process. It’s my way of giving myself permission to feel what I am feeling, and knowing that it is okay. That is important because it wasn’t always okay. Hence, the bottling. Fairly recently I have learned to cry in front of people. Blessedly, I am now surrounded by people who love and accept me. If I cry in front of them, they hug me through it and then that is that. It never gets brought up or held against me. I never get judged. I’m still not totally comfortable with it, but I am getting used to it. 

This is one of those times where things have to get a little ugly before they get pretty. Emotional remodeling, if you will. I want to get better, and the only way to get there is to get through it. I have to allow the process, let it take it’s course, and then I will be able to fly, again. All in good time.