The Darkside

Okay, so I have shared the good, the bad and the ugly of my past. Most of my stories have been about what I have overcome or am in the process of overcoming in an attempt to stay positive and uplifting. Today, however, I am getting into the bad and the ugly of my present. 

As many of you know I have been single for many years. Actually, I have never actually been in a real relationship. To date, the longest I’ve dated anyone was for 4 weeks. That was in 1998. I’ve dated very little since then. Actually, last year was the first time I had been kissed in over 10 years. Pathetic? Probably. Embarrasing? Sure. However, I am writing this in hopes that either I’m not alone, or someone will read this and possibly have an idea how to help me.

I have to admit, I’m a little conflicted. Love, in the romantic sense, is something I haven’t experienced, yet. I want to experience it, but at the same time I spent a lot of my life trying to please everyone around me, and I enjoy being independent. Being able to do what I want, when I want is really nice. There is no one to bother, bug or burden. There is just me. I love having time to myself, but sometimes it gets lonely. 

Being capable of being in a relationship is something I have been working on for a long time. It has been a long and frustrating road, but I am not yet at the end of it. I work hard at it because I know it will be worth it when I do finally get to the other side of this.

I just finished the first book of the Fifty Shades of Grey series. It was good, but for some reason it is taking me this dark place. I have to admit I asked for it. I have been begging my angels for this healing. It’s been provided in many different ways and this is just where I am at right now. I wondered if I should put the book aside, but I feel as though this has a purpose. This is all old stuff that I pushed away deep inside of me for years. I need to be in it. I need to feel it. I need to deal with it, and work through it. It has not been easy, nor has it been fun. Every time I would sit down and read the book, I would end up in tears (Which is why I waited a little while before starting the second book. I needed a break from the tears, they can be exhausting day after day.). There’s this mix of anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment, and hurt coursing through me. The good part about it is that is does not compare to the hurt I used to walk around with everyday, and there is so much love and joy in my life that I get a break from it. It usually peeks when I am alone, and is definitely prevalent as I read that book. 

The feelings that have creeped back up on me are the feelings of not being enough. I’m reminded that it’s never me the men want. It’s always been that way. “Your friend’s hot.”, is always what they would say. I rarely took dates to anything because when I did, they never left with me. I got ignored while they were trying to hook up with my friends. The rest were guy friends that “didn’t want to ruin the friendship”. Yes, guys, girls get friend zoned, too. 

The few I did date, didn’t last very long. As soon as they found out I wasn’t easy, they left. I even loved once, but between the two of us being incapable of allowing love we hit a brick wall. He ended up shutting me out of his life, and that was that. We haven’t spoken in like 3 or 4 years. That hurt, I got over it, but it did hurt. I think the worst part was never understanding what I had done to make him hate me all of a sudden. I can’t say it didn’t affect me because I think the fear of that happening, again, took over for a while. I felt disposable, it was like I didn’t matter, and everything we had shared meant nothing. I meant nothing. Thinking I was disposable, and that I would never be good enough, attractive enough or even just enough in general, kept me from letting people get too close. I could get hurt, or worse, I could hurt someone else. 

I was a great bottler of feelings back then, which is why it’s biting me in the ass now. I had to always act strong, as if nothing affected me, even though it always did. Tied together with a smile. Standing firm and taking care of what needed to be taken care of while those around me were granted the luxury of breaking down. Whether that was my cross to bear or not, I bore it as if it was. Now, I get to work through the remnants of what the maltreatment and self hatred left behind. 

I feel as though I need to reiterate, it is no where near what it once was. The depression it once caused was debilitating, and the fear paralyzing. Now, it is merely the tears I need to release it all mixed with introversion. Feeling it and mourning it are a part of the release process. It’s my way of giving myself permission to feel what I am feeling, and knowing that it is okay. That is important because it wasn’t always okay. Hence, the bottling. Fairly recently I have learned to cry in front of people. Blessedly, I am now surrounded by people who love and accept me. If I cry in front of them, they hug me through it and then that is that. It never gets brought up or held against me. I never get judged. I’m still not totally comfortable with it, but I am getting used to it. 

This is one of those times where things have to get a little ugly before they get pretty. Emotional remodeling, if you will. I want to get better, and the only way to get there is to get through it. I have to allow the process, let it take it’s course, and then I will be able to fly, again. All in good time. 

From Eponine to Cosette

I am spending my Friday night at home watching the Les Miserables Anniversary Special. After undergoing a lot of healing, and a busy work week (that's not quite over, yet) I am thoroughly enjoying it.

I have always had a love for musical theater, and was introduced to Les Mis at a young age. I have always related so deeply to Eponine. For those of you who may not be so familiar with the show, the love triangle consists of Marius, Eponine and Cosette. Marius and Eponine are best friends, and have been a lot of their lives. She's loyal, fearless, and she loves hard. She is madly in love with Marius. Marius loves her, too....only not romantically. Then, out of nowhere, Cosette walks into Marius's life. They fall deeply in love with eachother. Eponine tries to get his attention, she tries with everything that is in her to hold onto Marius and "what they could have"(in her mind). So much effort, so much fighting, and for what, to die chasing him into battle.
Cosette walks into the room once, that's all it took, one look, and she had his heart. All she had to do was just be and it was enough. She didn't have to lose her heart, lose herself, fight. Love was not a struggle for her. It came so easily.

I have been Eponine. The tough girl that would do anything for the people she loves, believing in true love without any actual proof of it. Fearing that even though it may exist, it probably didn't for me. I have loved hard, with no rhyme or reason. I have fought and fought battles that weren't mine to fight, struggled without purpose, almost simply for the sake of struggling it would seem. I have seen many Cosettes simply walk into the room and walk out with the heart of a great man. Love can come easily. I just didn't think it could for me. I thought I had to fight, I thought I had to struggle. I thought maybe if I work for it, put the time and energy in, then I would finally deserve it, and it would be there, I'd receive it. Now, I know that, if I just get out of my own way, I could be a Cosette. I don't have to fight, so I'm not going to anymore. If it's meant to be it will be, if it's not, it won't. Simple as that. No need to complicate it. As coach keeps telling me, "Love is easy. Relationships are easy." Sometimes we try to make them a lot harder than are. If he's into me, he'll let me know. If he's not letting me know, then he's not into me. Nothing personal, it just is what it is. I can see a change happening in me.
This time, as I watch this beautiful play,  I see Eponine as where I was, and Cossette as where I am going. Gotta love it when growth and progress are happening so quickly you can see it before your very own eyes. The future is looking very promising.

 

Discovering Me

In January’s Women’s Group, we were challenged to define who we are. I found it to be a tough task, at first, due to the the fact that I am in the middle of this huge transition at the moment. I feel like I am in the midst of this mass chaos between who I was and who I am becoming. The challenge brought me to a place where I had to find the core of both. As different as I am from Holly one year ago, much less Holly 15-20 years ago, there are qualities that were always there, whether I realized it at the time or not. With hindsight being 20/20 as it is, I was able to see the great qualities that I had even before I had learned to love myself. As for those that I still couldn’t really see, well that’s what my girls are for. After coming up with our own list, everyone helped us to see some of the qualities that we may have missed.

Although, learning to love and be loved is one of my main life lessons this time around, I have always been a loving person. I saw the good in everyone. I loved everyone. I’ve always been a hugger and a cuddler. I love to give and receive affection. At one point, the world around me told me it wasn’t okay to love like that, so I learned to stop expressing it. The past few years I have been freeing myself more and more and those around me can see it. I am allowing myself, once again, to express my loving nature. 

I am also joyful, silly, fun and friendly. I was blessed with a childhood of playing hard, and a dad that, still to this day, is the biggest kid I’ve ever met. He introduced me to the many joys of a good prank war. He taught me how to laugh at myself, and never to take life to seriously. It is what has kept me sane all these years. When I do have those occasional moments of taking life to seriously, I take time out to do something fun. If you have ever met my dad, you know what it is to belly laugh until it hurts and tears are coming out of your eyes. 

One of the things that I listed that I wanted for myself (I was pleasantly surprised to see that I am currently working on everything that I listed) was to keep learning. This was inspired by my little brother. You have to be smart to keep up with that one, but it’s so worth it. I love being able to understand his wittiness, and the great banter among him and his friends. He may seem quiet to outsiders, but he is pretty hilarious. His vocabulary surpassed mine when I was in high school and he was in elementary school. That inspired me to start expanding my own vocabulary, and here I am. A writer, and back in college at 32. 

Apparently, I missed a few, so the girls filled in a few of the blanks for me. One of them said I was talented. I found that very sweet and unexpected. I love music, acting, singing and dancing, but I always made the comment that I was more heart than talent. I assumed I wasn’t that great at any of it, I just loved it too much to stop. It is a great joy in my life and always has been. My mom once told me that the only time I was happy in middle school was when I was on stage. It’s definitely a love of mine that has always been there.

Thoughtful, outgoing and committed to personal growth were also a few that I had overlooked. Like I mentioned earlier with the transitional chaos around me it’s been hard to realize why it’s even there. I will admit, I am frantically stirring this pot of transition. Between work, school, kickboxing, eating better, taking better care of myself, healing after healing, I really am taking a lot of action to become the woman I want to be. This woman’s group helped me to see the parts of that woman that is already there. The parts of her that have always been there. 

Happy Birthday Dr. King

This is actually a blog from MLK Day 2010 that I originally posted on my old livejournal:

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. 

Martin Luther King, Jr.

I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality... I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.
Martin Luther King, Jr.


In celebration of Dr. King’s birthday, I’ve enclosed some of my favorite quotes of his.

Discrimination is something that has always been an issue that is close to my heart. I grew up in South Florida, the melting pot of the world. I was so blessed with the experience of meeting and befriending so many different people from so many different cultures, backgrounds and lifestyles. To me this was truly fascinating and fun.

Here we are, almost 47 years after his “I Have a Dream” speech, and so many people still aren’t grasping what he was fighting for.

Not superiority of any race, equality. Not hate, love.

It baffles me that there are still so many people who are looking to judge everyone that is different from them in any way. It seems as though they look for reasons to hate. They can’t find anything legitimate to hate so they start grabbing at straws. Nationality, skin color, accent, hair color, clothes, weight, height, it’s all equally ridiculous as far as I’m concerned.

Moving to the country has been a challenge in this particular area. I’m not used to people still using “the N word” in a derogatory manner. It feels like a knife stabbing me in the gut every time I hear it. In Miami, I always heard “Nigga” which is used in the same context as “homie”. Not such a big deal to me. Why, you may ask? The heart behind it. It wasn’t being used hatefully, quite the opposite actually.

It’s not the things you say or do, you see, it is actually the heart behind them that matters. People need to learn to see eachother that way. Look to the heart of people, not the color of their skin.

I have so many friends and family of other races, backgrounds and lifestyles that I just can not imagine my life without them.

To those of you that continue to discriminate. I urge you to choose love. You are truly missing out on a lot of great people and a lot of great experiences.

Love and light to all of you. Take this day to remember we are all connected. We are here to love and learn."

Bring It On 2012!

2011 has been a year of ups and downs, chaos and peace, frustrations and hurdles, and, most importantly, love and support. All in all, it really has been a great year. As 2012 approaches I look back and decide what I want to take with me and what I want to leave in 2011. Tonight is a great time for release and renewal, which I have been doing a lot of this past year. With this global energy happening, it will be a great time for clearing out and taking steps forward with a fresh, new vigor. 

I have endured quite a bit over my almost 32 years here. Self protecting is an old habit I have been trying hard to break. It’s hindering me from experiencing life and love fully. This is something I want to leave behind. A few years ago I took my power back. My heart doesn’t need to be protected anymore, it needs to be shared. The Cuban in me is very passionate. I have the capacity to love greatly, I just have to allow it. I have to break down the walls, do the energy work and forget about the risks. It’s time to leave all of the crap of the past 31 years behind me and only take love into year 32 (my birthday is right after the new year begins).

Out of curiosity, I began to look back over a few of last years blogs. My first blog of 2011 was “If I Knew I Could Not Fail”. I was happy to look back at it and see myself already taking steps toward everything I had listed. The first thing I had listed was, “If I knew I could not fail I would fall in love”. If I haven’t already, I am about to. I met someone shortly after writing that blog, but it has taken me until now to work through the issues I needed to get through to let him in. 

Also, on the list was losing the weight and getting in shape. As most of you know, I started on this one in October. I went to the gym with my Dad and Step-mom and kind of enjoyed it. I had been looking into gyms before I Christmas break. With their gym you can join on a month to month basis, so I may try it for a month when I get back. Even without the gym, I have the Wii Fit and workout videos I have been doing at home. My last weigh in I was down 15 pounds and last time I went shopping I was down 2 sizes.

The last one involved getting back on stage and working on my craft. I have been working with the IQ Players, as well as playing in the annual Christmas musical at my church. I have seen a big difference just in the last year. It was really cool to see how much I have taken on life in the last year. Not to mention, I went back to college and am already working on a web design career. I am still nannying and loving every moment of that, too. 

I am pleasantly surprised at what I found. It is interesting to be able to see my growth for myself. Even though it shows itself in many ways throughout my life. There is something about having that direct comparison to really see where I have was and how far I’ve come. I’m stronger than I thought I was, and so are you. Run the fear, don’t let the fear run you. This is the time to take life by the horns and make it go the way you want it to go. Release what no longer serves you and walk into the new year ready to love life and take life on with love and power. Let’s rock 2012, it’s going to be our best year, yet!

The Downside of Single

Most of the time I enjoy being an independent, strong, single woman, but when you have weeks like this past one it would be kind of nice to not have to be alone. Holding yourself up can get weary. Just as trying to force yourself to keep it together so you don’t completely fall apart. Don’t get me wrong, my life is full of love, and I love my life. It just seems like there is something I’m missing out on.

On Wednesday I was informed that my grandmother, the person who had the biggest hand in raising me, is in not doing well. She has been in rough shape for years now, but finding out that she was not only not well enough to leave her assisted living to attend Thanksgiving, but that my dad and my aunt had begun making the funeral arrangements hit me hard. 

It feels as though the end of an era is near, and the transition might not be so easy for me. Knowing what I know of death, I understand it as a right of passage. I know that it is a beautiful thing for the person passing on, but it is us that remain here on Earth that struggle with being left behind without the people that have been huge staples in our lives. People you could never imagine having to get through your existence here without. I spent a lot of time hugging onto every pillow I could find and crying on Wednesday (and a little today as I have been writing this). 

As I have said before, affection is my main love language. If you want me to know you love me hug me, hold my hand, kiss my forehead, play with my hair, rub my back, pretty much anything that involves touch. Something I have always dreamt about since I was little was being held when I cry. I cant even remember the last time I had that. In a lot of ways it’s my own fault. Crying used to mean weakness to me, or that I let “them”, whoever they may have been at the moment, get to me so I would hide it. I still tend to hide it, maybe out of habit. I’m not sure, but I have gotten better about talking about it afterwards, so, yay, progress. 

Something you should know about me. My relationship with people doesn’t end when they leave the Earth plane. I still talk to relatives and friends that crossed over years ago, some before I had even known them in this lifetime. I also have what I like to call my Ethereal Posse consisting of my Guides and Angels that I communicate with. Therefore, our relationship will probably even improve after she passes. For the past few years she has been very week. It’s hard to imagine she is the same woman that held the family together at one time. She taught me to be strong. Since she has been sick, Dad, Tia and I have all three taken on her strength. We’re all grasping the concepts she has been trying to beat into our heads our entire lives. Family is the most important thing. Always. She told us that all the time in as many different ways as she could. We were to forgive each other for anything and everything, no matter how bad it was. Believe me, it got pretty bad sometimes. She wanted more than anything for everyone to just get along and be happy. She knew despite all of the crap we all had a lot of love for each other. In her weakness, we have been forced to take over her roll in keeping the family together and attempting to keep the peace. I have to admit, we got the easy part. She had to hold everything together through a bunch of hot tempers and my pain-in-the-ass teenage years. The crazy part was that she never seemed to wear out back then. She showed me unconditional love. She showed me how to love hard, and play hard. We weren’t to take life too seriously. Laughing is essential, and when it is time to celebrate, you celebrate. Nothing bad that is going on your life and nothing you did ever exists at Noche Buena. Noche Buena is a huge celebration every Christmas Eve night that my family does, and has done since way before I was born. It’s family, it’s fun, it’s laughter, it’s joy, it’s music, it’s dancing, it’s food, it is the craziness that I have come to cherish. It is the one thing I WILL NOT MISS every year. Everyone attends and we all get to just be together, have a great time, and celebrate how awesome our family is. My Cuban Heritage is a part of me that I am eternally grateful for, and I learned it from growing up with Abuela and Abuelo. I’ve always embraced it and I love every bit of it.

She has definitely left her mark on our family. It has not been easy watching her slowly weaken, but none of us can deny the parts of us that came from her. Her legacy will never fade. I plan on passing down what I learned from her to my children and grandchildren. 

This was one hurdle I prayed I wouldn’t have to jump alone. A lot of my life I have taken care of myself. Emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, I had to learn to handle whatever I could handle on my own for the most part. I always thought it would be nice to have someone to go to no matter what, no matter when. Someone who could love me through my crazy. Someone who could back me up so I didn’t always have to stand alone all of the time. Normally, I don’t have a problem with being single, but this week gave me an idea of what I have been missing out on. I always had an idea, but the fear of actually having it was way bigger than my desire for it. After much healing that is no longer the case. I am content with my life, and happy with myself. Although it normally doesn’t bother me, every once and awhile my singledom just gets, well, noticeable.

Girl, Interrupted

This is a blog I’ve been wanting to write since December 20, 2009. That was the day Brittany Murphy left this earth. Far too soon, if you ask me. She was only 32. Most of you probably know her as Tai in Clueless, Daisy in Girl Interrupted, Sara in Just Married, or maybe Molly in Uptown Girls. Her list of Filmography goes on and on. When I met her she was between Drexell’s Class and Almost home. She was 15, I was 13. 

I’m not sure what had been keeping me from writing this, but with her birthday just passing and the two year anniversary of her death around the corner, I feel like it’s time for me to speak out about what I went through and the impact she had on my life in the little time I got to spend with her. 

There was a time in my life where I felt like nothing. I was worth nothing, I deserved pain and punishment, and my mere existence was what I had done wrong. I could love, but I could not show it because I would only get hurt due to the fact that I was not lovable. I didn’t bother looking in the mirror because I was disgusting. When i had to look in a mirror, I learned to hone in on what I needed to be paying attention to so that I would not see the whole. I would throw off the kids that bullied me as I agreed with their accusations. I would tell them. “How do you think I feel? You can just walk away, but I’m stuck with me.” I meant it. To the core of my being, I wanted to escape myself. I felt trapped in my body, trapped in this existence with no way out. As, I’ve mentioned before, the bullying didn’t stop when I got home. It was hard to find a safe place where I felt accepted. 

The suicidal thoughts ran rampant through my middle school years. To the point where I actually attempted it a few times (side note - no one found out about the suicidal attempts unless I told them many years after the fact).  I didn’t want to survive past my school years because I had been completely convinced that I was going to fail at life. Even though I had been pretty independent for years without realizing it, I thought “the real world” was going to be worse than school ever could have been. Anything I felt was belittled or berated so I learned to feel nothing. My temper got hotter, but damn it, I didn’t cry. Not in front of anyone. The emotional pain that I felt on a pretty constant basis was on an ineffable level. It caused physical pain in my body. Pain that I felt I deserved, just for being. I was in the way. Taking up space that could better be used by anything else. Preferably something store bought that doesn’t make noise. I was a burden that got passed around from person to person as they told each other “You deal with her.” When that got old I was taken to “professionals” with the attitude of “There’s something wrong with her, figure out what it is and fix her.” I say this because no actions were taken outside of that. Few people have even taken the time to understand any of the “afflictions” that I was diagnosed with al those years ago. 

It was the summer of 1993, before I was about to go into my last year of middle school.  I was at one of the lowest points of my life. My mom saw that some of the kids from Kids Incorporated (one of my favorite shows at the time) were going to be at the local mall. Being the tomboy that I was, I really didn’t know a lot about dressing up and make up. So, I put on a pair of Umbros with a t-shirt, threw a headband in my bob of a haircut, grabbed the video camera and was on my way to the mall. 

When I got there they were rehearsing, so my mom and my aunt went shopping while I watched the rehearsal. It was Eric Balfour, Brittany Murphy, Brian Friedman and Hayley Johnson. They had formed a singing group called Blessed With Soul. Once they finished rehearsing, I started heading upstairs to find my mom and my aunt. I got into the elevator and found myself in a conversation with the four of them, along with Hayey’s little sister Ashley Johnson, who was on Growing Pains at the time. We ended up hanging out until they had to head back to L.A. 

Each and everyone of them made a huge impact on my life (Especially with Eric giving me my first kiss that day). Seeds of love and acceptance were planted, and later on self worth bloomed. 

For the moment, I want to focus on Brittany and what she brought into my life. 

I could see the moment we met how full of love and joy she was. In a time of darkness, the light was shinning bright. So bright that there were a lot of things that I was seeing and feeling for the first time, or at least for the first time in a really long time. I could see a hint of something lovable in myself. I felt accepted, and the friendship felt unconditional. At the time the majority of my closest friends were guys. Brittany showed me what it was like to have a real girlfriend. Someone that was honest, caring, kind, and could see things in me that I couldn’t see in myself. We spent a lot of our time together arm and arm, just being girls. Being silly, laughing like crazy. For the first time, I felt what it was like to have a good group of friends. People that didn’t just want something from you, and were going to deny they even knew you behind your back. These people, they were the real thing. They showed me the type of person I wanted to be, and the type of people that I wanted to hang out with. I wanted to have to make people feel the way Brittany made me feel. No matter who you were, you felt loved around her. Anything that was wrong did not exist when she was there. She helped me see that I had a light like hers within me and I just had to let it show. 

I got a lot of hugs that day, which to those of you who know me well, affection is my drug of choice, but sometimes I have to settle for chocolate. I wanted to go with them, but I knew I couldn’t, so I had to figure things out where I was at. Luckily, I met Aixa my 8th grade year, she is just like a sister to me to this day. That next summer, I met my other “might as well be my sister”, Erin. They both had a big hand in helping me stay out of that hole I was in before I met Blessed With Soul. I couldn’t ask for better best friends.

Since my school years I have found my circle of friends growing more and more loving as time went on. My healing and my growth has brought me to a place where I am beginning to let my light shine brighter than it ever has. I am confident and secure in who I am. I like who I am, and I like that I am not like anyone else. Brittany showed me what it looked like to be a loving person and a good friend. The seeds that she planted in me have helped the beauty in me bloom into what it is today. The suicidal attempts stopped the moment I met her. The suicidal thoughts lessened, and eventually, after high school, stopped. Then it was finally my turn to find out who I was, and really begin the transformation into the person I want to be. 

Thank you, Brittany, for being a light in the darkness, for showing me the type of person that I wanted to be, and for showing me unconditional kindness. With the heart and voice of angel, you, along with Eric, Brian, Hayley and Ashley changed my life forever. For that, I thank you all.

May you rest in peace as you sing and dance among the angels.

Brittany Anne Murphy - November 10, 1977- December 20, 2009