Metamorphosis Moments

I find it fascinating how the right person at the right time can inspire you. Making you want to be the best version of yourself that you can be. Even if it was always was your true desire to be your best you, sometimes it takes that one person to put a fire under you. When that happens it can change your life forever. Your desires become action. Your actions become change. The change is so prominent that you, yourself, can see it happening right before your own eyes. I am in one of these metamorphosis moments in my journey and it’s very exciting. I can see myself taking better care if me, loving and accepting me. I am embracing who I am and running with it, while at the same time striving to be even better. I have to be straight with you, though. It hasn’t all been roses and chocolate covered strawberries (wow, I just realized where mind is at...haha). There are always rough spots, but getting through them is where the walls begin to come down, and the bondage, fear and old thought patterns begin to break down and be replaced with more loving thought patterns, and an openness and acceptance that comes with releasing the fear. Releasing seems to have been the word of the month for October. I had an intent in mind. Something that I have always wanted to change in my life, but never knew how. My love life. It turns out the beginning of that process was releasing. The intent, to release anything that is blocking me from loving relationships. What did I have to release? Well, pretty much everything. That was how it felt anyhow. Different things would come up from throughout this life and sometimes past lives. I had to feel the emotions that were still there attached to them, experience it, mourn it, put love on the situation and release it, which often involved crying it out. Crying is something I didn’t used to do very much, up until the last few years anyhow, when I got serious about healing myself and my life. When I did cry, I would make sure I was in a place where no one would ever know about it, and to this day there are people in my family that think I never cry. I still don’t like to do it in front of most people, but I have been blessed with a very loving support system now, and have found myself crying to them a time or two. It’s actually a very healing process. Crying releases toxins from your body that build up with hurt and anger. Once I got through all of the releasing I was onto the next step, which was not so fun at first. I had to learn to be vulnerable. In order to be taught that I was put in a vulnerable place in my life. This particular lesson started with a panic attack. Once I was able to calm myself down enough to go within myself and get the guidance I needed to figure out why this was happening (it’s the counselor in me, I always want to know why), I was told to let myself feel the vulnerability and learn not to be afraid of it. You see, it wasn’t the vulnerability that was causing the me to panic, it was the fear. It took a few days for me to fully grasp the lesson, but once I did I felt amazing. I have never felt so open, free and happy. The rewards are already coming to fruition and it is exciting. I am having so much fun. In striving to better myself I am becoming more and more the woman I want to be. I don’t normally get this deep on these blogs. Or maybe I do, I don’t know. What I do know is this isn’t necessarily something I would have shared, but for some reason I was led to share it. I’m guessing someone somewhere needs to hear about it, so here it is. Whoever you are, I want you to know that you are loved. You are wonderful, amazing and worthy of giving and receiving love. You are perfect as you are. Don’t be afraid to love yourself or anyone else. You deserve what you want. You deserve the best life has to offer. Don’t let the tough times bring you down. Ride the wave and learn from it and you will come out better and stronger once it’s over. And yes, it WILL be over eventually. You will be laughing and having the time of your life before you know it. Take good care of yourself. Don’t be afraid to let yourself fly. You can do it. I know you can. You can have a support system if you just ask for it. Find the encouraging people in your life. If you can’t find any, get in touch with me, because to me, you matter. Let yourself play, have some fun. Laugh. Smile. Dance. Whatever it takes. Find your happy. Know that my love goes out to you. Love and Light, Holly

Journey of Happiness

There seemed to be something special about today. It was a normal Monday in the life of Holly. Subbed, nannied, Jenny Craig, came home. It sounds mundane when I put it that way. Let’s start over. I had my appointment at Jenny Craig this morning. I am down another 2.5 pounds totaling 9 pounds so far in the last 3 weeks. So, I was happy about that. My consultant wasn’t there, but the other consultant I spoke to was great as well. I’m always happy to see Jackie, too. She is the manager at my local branch and I have to say they all believe in me in a big way causing me to walk out with an extra bounce in my step every week. Then I was off to Chrysalis to substitute teach. I love it there, it’s like it’s own little family, and it is full of some fun and fascinating people. It’s a place that is full of love and joy for me. There is always a lot of laughing, a lot of hugs and a lot of deep conversations. I get so much pleasure out of getting to know these kids and the staff. It is impossible to leave without your spirit being lifted just a little bit higher than it was when you walked in. The kids I nanny for, who have become as good as family to me (their whole family has become like family to me), attend that school, so when schools over it’s time for my one on one time with them. I could have the worst day ever and my heart will still smile when I’m with them. I can’t help it. I love them. (I have a third job that I work occasionally in web design. I’m still learning, but I enjoy it. It’s fun for my brain to create and work on puzzles.) Tonight, when I got home, I did quite a bit of journalling along with some intention setting. There is a lot that I am tackling right now, but I am enjoying it. It’s opening me up to so much. Not only am I breaking down walls in the health aspect of my life, but, also in may other avenues. I am learning to embrace my femininity, which can be a challenge for a recovering tomboy. I am learning to give and receive love, allowing myself to trust others and to trust myself. I am working on getting “Miss Hollywood” back. All depending on how long you have known me (not how well, how long) you may be wondering what I mean. Miss Hollywood (or one of it’s many variations that was used: Hollywood, Holliswood, Hollywoo, Miss Wood...haha, That last one’s a little funnier at 31) was one of my nicknames as a kid because you couldn’t keep me off of a stage....and because my name is Holly. There is something so freeing about dancing, singing, acting and music. I want it back in my life. With Metaphysics of Christmas rehearsals starting back up, it’s time tackle those issues and break down those walls, too. I am striving to be the best me I can be (all while working and going to school). As hectic as my life may get sometimes, I love it all. My jobs, school, my friends, my family, my spiritual family, my friends that might as well be family, my church, the people there, my classmates, my Jenny C family, my incredible support system, helping kids, helping people, love, guidance and growing myself. If you told me 20 years ago that I could be this happy, I probably would have told you to “shut your pie hole” (Hey, I was only 11). I never imagined it. Even 10 years ago, I was happy, but never imagined it could get this good. I can already see love growing and beauty growing in the world all around me. Things are only going to get better and better, and that excites me.

The Break Up I Never Got Over

I was 3 years old at our first introduction. I didn’t understand the relationship or the feelings that came along with it, but as I grew, the love grew. We lost touch when I was about 5, but we reunited once, again in the fourth grade when I joined the chorus. We were together until graduation. My only solace, sometimes, my only friend.
It was the stage, and when I was on it, it was the only time I felt truly at home. Nothing could tear me away from it. The rejection, discouragement, getting picked on, made fun of. Even when I gave up everything else, I had managed to hold on to that part of me.
I didn’t always think very much of myself throughout my school years, and even for a while after. I felt ugly, fat, gross, dirt, worthless, unattractive, stupid, the list goes on and on. Despite all of that, I kept getting on stage every chance I got. I auditioned for everything, hardly ever getting anything, but I kept trying. I was on the colour guard, I was in chorus, show choir, step team, gospel choir, whatever I could get into. I’d be at the school until all hours, and I loved it. As much as I was able to at the time, anyhow. Plus, it was better than being at home, attempting to please my mom’s husband by doing everything I can to keep my existence from him. I was not to be seen or heard. When I was the hatred was too much for me to bear, so it was easier to get lost in movies and TV shows until I could leave, again.
Despite my multiple involvements, I still didn’t fit in, but when it came to being on stage, nothing else really mattered. In high school, I discovered the joy of musical theater. Freshman year, I didn’t make it into the musical, but due to my fascination with it, I ended up at almost every rehearsal just watching. I felt comfortable and at home in the theater. I spent a lot of time there when I wasn’t at other activities. My sophomore year I made it into the chorus line of Bye Bye Birdie. I didn’t care who I played, as long as I was there and a part of it. It changed me, and my obsession with musical theater grew.
After high school, finding as stage wasn’t that easy anymore. Luckily, I was home alone a lot, and at least I was able to sing and practice and play around with songs without bothering anyone. Then it happened, I came across auditions for West Side Story in a South Florida newspaper, went for the audition and left with the role of Consuelo. It was the time of my life. Not only was I doing what I loved, but I was getting paid for it. Unlike my previous experiences, I made friends. Friends that I felt really enjoyed me for who I was then. I felt like this big mess, but to them I was more than fine the way I was. I was surrounded by the brilliant talents, who would compliment my talent. I always used to say that I had way more heart than I had talent, but for the first time, I doubted that. I felt talented, I felt likable, I felt like I actually fit. I was a part of all of the fun, as opposed to just hearing everyone talk about all the fun they had the day after. At the end of the show, I moved back to Georgia and they all threw me a going away karaoke party. It was such a cool feeling.
I moved in 2003, and I never really went back. That was the break up I never recovered from.
Sure, I did a Christmas show, at a church, here and there, sang in a few choirs, but that was more like dating guys that looked just like the guy you can’t get over, but they could never really be him. Something about it, just wasn’t the same.
It still hurts sometimes to not have that in my life, but I’m just not sure if it is something I can get back. I still dream about it, though. That God moment when the curtain goes up, and you are on your way. All the behind the scenes moments. The games you play, the lessons you learn from each other, there’s nothing about it I don’t like. Even the treacherous rehearsals, I enjoy every moment of it. For some reason, maybe a few different reasons, I gave up on myself all those years ago. I gave into the voices telling me to stop. The voices that told me time and time, again, that I shouldn’t be doing it with the way I look.
Fortunately, I have come a long way sense then. I’ve got my confidence back and those voices no longer hold the power. I’ve been working on a few plays this year with the church I attend to get my feet wet, again. I have found a few theater companies in my area. I may even get involved with the musical theater program at the college I am attending. Maybe I can get it back. It’s worth trying for. Apparently, I had what it takes back then (and I look pretty much the same, I guess), who says I don’t still have it. Just because I haven’t tapped into it doesn’t mean it’s not there.

Be Kind to One Another

Just saw this post and on this “You Know You Are From Fer-syth County if?” Facebook group. The only reason I even decided to check it out was due to the cute comments being posted by a family friend. I went on there expecting to see other people posting cute things about how Cumming used to be. I guess I didn’t even remember how Cumming used to be and how there are still many today that reject change and are stuck in really old thinking patterns. It saddens me that people still think this way. I guess it’s hard for me to understand prejudice thinking being born and raised in the melting pot of the world (South Florida) as a half hispanic/ half white little girl. In my world you loved everyone until they give you a reason not to. Race, shape, color, nationality, it only mattered to me as a part of who a person was and I was more anxious to learn about it, than quick to judge it. People’s differences have always intrigued me. I was that girl in school that didn’t have a clique, I intermingled with everyone, and enjoyed every moment of it. I had friends and boyfriends (if you use the term lightly) or every shape, color, ethnicity, etc. In the Cuban culture (which would be my dad’s side of the family) nationality and color are openly used as discriptives, often in the same sentence as hair color, height or eye color. Abuela was kind of bad at remembering names and keeping up with who was who, so my friends would have nicknames or descriptives that would help her keep up with who I was talking about over Cafe con Leche. I had heard certain family members make racist jokes, as much as I didn’t really like the jokes, I figured they were just jokes. I didn’t think people truly felt that way. Until I moved to Cumming for the first time in 1998. Even then, I could tell the culture was behind the rest of the world. I had “Backstreet Chica” (I was a total BSB nerd...haha) on the back of my car and was warned that the KKK could see that and would know that I was “non-white” and might do something to my car. I was advised to remove it. I can see the question marks popping up over my head as I look back on that moment. I was so confused. It was very hard for me to wrap my head around. Discrimination is something I have never understood, and have always been against. So when I see posts like this:

AL - when the entire county consisted of nothin but white people & blacks were scared to come into our neck of the woods.. **Those were the good ol days** ♥

Followed by these comments:

JE - I'm sorry, cause I know some are going to get me on this. But going to Wallie World now is like going to another country. I'm not sure if it's India or Mexico.

LT -  This is such a disgusting, disrespectful post. I don't believe the days when people were too ignorant to understand that they were no better than anyone else because of the color of their skin, were the 'good ole days'. I believe the 'good ole days' are those when everyone woke up and realized God created us all equal. Such a disgrace.

PB - GOD created us all equal and as brothers and sisters, no matter what race, color, etc.

D -  yeah, and just look at how wonderful our county is now that we have "woke up" we're all talking about how good everything was back then. It isn't a disgrace for her to post this. It is her opinion and I happen to agree and applaud her for having the gumption to put it on here. Yes, God has created us all and I am no better than another. we all have the right to say how we feel....even when it isn't "politically correct" Oh and we are not ignorant and our forefathers weren't either.

LT - Im sick of being politically correct....I agree with Ashley!!! It's still odd to see them in Walmart or anywhere else!!! I am glad we don't have section 8, or hoods, or a crime rate!

TB -  I agree with Ashley freedom of speech I was thinking it,. If you cant handle the posts maybe you should leave this group!!!

LT -  I was thinking it too....just ask the security guards at the outlet mall and who does most of the shoplifting!! I used to work there, and I know!

L -  Racism=Ignorance. God=Love. Period.

D -  I look around our county and see alot of trash where there used to be beautiful acres of woods, hayfields, and farms. I miss the way it used to be before everyone decided to move in on us and change our way of life.

L - Let's just see how much ya love em when they break into your car, or, carjack you, or worse!

E - totally agree with you D

--------------------------------

(I left all of the typos in)

--------------------------------

To this I say, your “good ol’ days” that you speak of are in the 1990’s, to the rest of the country it was in the 1950’s and 1960’s. 

Secondly, even back when you were “segregated” (mind you it was still in the late 1990’s when I first moved here and had to hide who I was) there was plenty of crime and drugs, all by the only race you allowed in your county. You may not have seen, but I did, it was there (and no I was not one of them)

Thirdly, Cumming does have section 8 housing. Do some research before you comment, and use spell check. If there is a red dotted line under it, just click on it and the correct spelling will appear. By the way, there are, also, neighborhoods, even back in the 90’s that even pizza men wouldn’t go to. Just because you’ve never seen it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. 

Number Four, I don’t give a crap about being politically correct, however I try do do what is morally and spiritually correct and hate is definitely not it. Hate is not a productive emotion, it only hurts the hater. The person being hated on doesn’t always care all that much. They never care as much as the person doing the hating. It’s wasted energy. 

There is something good about everyday. I know there are a lot of opportunities and blessings and wonderful friends and extended family that I would have missed out on had I discriminated. I thank God that I am wired the way that I am. I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

To all of you old school thinkers, I challenge you to embrace the changes that have been happening around you and give the newer residence in your county an open hearted, open-minded chance. Show them what true southern hospitality is. 

With that, I leave you with a quote from one of my favorite people, Ellen Degeneres.

“Be kind to one another.”

Why I Blog

I’m noticing there are a lot of people are having a hard time understanding why I blog. So here is my attempt at an explanation:

The short answer:
It’s a good outlet.

The not-so-short version:
My blogs consists of my personal experiences and how I feel about them. I don’t use names unless I am bragging on you or quoting you in a positive light, and I know it’s okay to use a name. I don’t use names because it’s not about anyone else. It’s about me. My version of the experience and how it affected me. By sharing it with all of you, I am putting it out there to say that what I am feeling and what I am experiencing is okay. It’s okay to be frustrated, it’s okay to be happy, it’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to be quirky, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to act like a complete nerd. I do apologize if anyone has ever been hurt or offended, but I will not apologize for what I’ve felt and what I’ve been through. It’s made me who I am, and I like who I am. Wether you do or wether you don’t, it’s not going to change me. The only one who can change me is me. If I see something in me that is legitimately hurting someone else, I will take what steps I can to fix it, that is if it is something within me to fix. I am, by nature a healer. I don’t mean to hurt, offend or tear down anyone. As far as I can tell, I don’t think I do.

There is more blessing in it than there has ever been negative feedback. Your compliments on my writing mean more to me than any of you will ever know. It has inspired me to keep going, and continues to reassure me that there is something that I am good at. Some of you have expressed that you have been touched by my writing and you can relate to what I have gone through. I’ve learned I’m not alone. I celebrate with all of you, I laugh with all of you, I cry with all of you, I rant with all of you. That is what makes it such a great outlet. Knowing that someone somewhere hears me. Knowing that somehow, maybe even in a small way, I am making a difference in someone’s life.

That’s what I want to do with my life, make a difference. Help people. To open myself up to others I have to be open and vulnerable myself, hence putting myself out there for everyone to see. It teaches me to better love and be loved.

The truest version of you is the best version of you. People can always tell when you’re trying to be someone your not, and the person you are trying to be is not as beautiful and interesting as the person you really are. Being like everyone else is boring. Light up the world by being you. Who cares if people think you’re weird. What people think of you should never trump being happy and content with who you are.

I am content with who I am and what I’ve had to go through to get here.

........And that is why I blog :)

Finding My Beauty

The end of this school year has been a very sentimental time. With my baby brother graduating from the University of Florida and the elusive summer schedule of someone in childcare. You never know what the summer will bring, and sometimes you are left wondering about the next fall.
So many things are changing and left up in the air, and here I am waiting with much anticipation to see where they all fall into place.
When doors close, more open. It is time to revamp and make sure there is plenty of room for work, school, spirit, family, friends and maybe even romance.
Even if I do end up on a new venture, I will forever hold what I have in my heart. This journey has been incredible and will forever be a huge part of making me who I am and what I have become. I have been so loved and believed in lately, that it has shown me the true beauty that lies within me. Okay, I know many of you who have known me for awhile are picking your jaw up off of the ground right now. I don’t think I have ever referred to myself as beautiful before (It surprised me as much as it did you guys). The love that I have been shown, and the love that I have been able to share have changed me. I am beginning to see myself as God sees me, even as other loving people in my life see me. Lately, I have been able to feel my beauty, and I am no longer afraid to share it. Does that mean I am going to start wearing more make up more often? Probably not (Sorry, Mom). Dressing nicer? I work with whatever I have in my closet.
To me sharing my beauty is loving greater. I am affectionate by nature and it’s time for me to set that free. I used to be insecure about being a loving person. I allowed myself to be made to feel gross. I thought my hugs offended, but they have actually become something I am known for in a very positive sense. I get more compliments on my hugs than I do almost anything else. To me that is beautiful, and I finally feel accepted for who I am. I feel like it is more than okay for me to just be Holly. Nothing more, nothing less. The truer I am to myself the more I realize the beauty in who I am. Other people see it, too. For the first time I feel like people are starting to, not only see me for who I am, but embrace and love that person. Something that, if you had asked me a few years ago, I would have never thought possible. Allowing myself to be who I am, and to love how I’ve always wanted to love has given me wings. It has freed my soul and I can honestly say I have never been happier. From the looks of things, it’s only going to get better. My journey has been incredibly exciting lately. I can’t wait to see what happens next :)

A Plea for Forward Motion

All day I have been listening to the news of Osama Bin Laden’s death. It was discussed in classrooms, discussed on TV, on the radio, on the internet. It was everywhere.
The more I hear about it and the more views I hear, the more I attempt to sort out my feelings about it. I can’t see rejoicing in the death of anyone, but rather I feel sadness that it had to come to this. I’m saddened that 9/11 had to happen and that so many people have died in the process attempting to keep us safe from an attack like that happening, again. I’m saddened to know that there are crazy people out there trying to hurt anyone who thinks a little differently than they do. I feel sorry for Al Quada, it can’t be a good experience living and walking in such extreme hatred. They’re not religious, they are mad. They are to the Muslim faith what Westboro is to the Baptist faith.
I can’t find it within me to hate, but I do hurt for this earth at times. I prefer to spend my time and efforts on the lighter side of life, but this is one of those days that constantly reminds you of the darkness that is out there.
I could never be in the military. I could never see what they see and experience what they experience and survive it. I would never be able to do what they have to do. My friend, Sara, gets onto me about swerving to miss a bird in the middle of the road when I’m driving. I just don’t have it in me. I am so grateful for the people that have the strength to risk themselves to protect me and my loved ones, yet I am saddened that they have to do it. I so wish love could fix this, but it is a concept that these extremists don’t understand. They are trained to kill and trained to die. That’s it. However, can we be sure that killing has ended this? Will there be retaliation? Could it really be over? Oh, how I wish it were. Oh, how I hope it is.
We are all one, therefore we need to stop fighting our own. I wish there was a way everyone could grasp that. The world would be a much better place if we could just learn to see each other for the beautiful beings we all are, as opposed to being so stuck in fear that we feel the need to rise up and fight against anything that’s different. Embrace the differences, you might learn something. Not only about other cultures and belief systems, but about yourself.