Let Yourself Be Affected

“We are more interested in putting up our guards with people than letting them affect us.” - Grace From Above

My new year's resolution this year was inspired by this quote from the C&I Studios short film, “Grace From Above”, which you can see here:


Grace From Above: Short Film // C&I Studios // from C&I Studios on Vimeo.

When I first heard this quote, I couldn’t stop rewinding the video and listening to it over and over, again. I knew this was my new personal project for myself. I have lived in a very guarded way and it has caused me to be inauthentic to my true self. My true self loves hard, and wants to hug everyone, care about everyone, love everyone, and fix their problems. This is why I am going into Counseling Psychology. However, over my 36 years on this planet, my trust was broken many times, my heart was broken many times, and as for me, well, I was never enough and I sure as heck was never “right”. I found that my ability to love hard was not something everyone could handle, it also caused me to hurt hard. When I was constantly picked apart by pretty much everyone around me, it affected me deeply. It was hurt that I was told that I was not “allowed” to feel. So I tried to shut it all down, or at the very least water it down. When I tried to love the way that I naturally love it led to constant rejection. I was even told, by a close, influential family member “Did you ever think that maybe people don’t always want a hug from you?” when I was in middle school. That kind of thing stuck with me. As an empath, I absorbed everything. I didn’t know how to control it the way that I do now. Fairly recently, the same person told me that no one would want to date me. I see my growth as I was pissed off for a few days because those old programs in my subconscious entertained the idea that this person might be right. I did, however, manage to fight through it. It is taking a lot of work to reprogram my thoughts, but I finally realized that my desirability isn’t the problem, it is my guardedness.

My heart has often been broken into millions of pieces, and my spirit crushed more times than I can count. Because of this, I have spent much of my life with such a desire to connect battling over the fear of being broken, hurt, and betrayed all over, again. I remain pretty reluctant to give myself completely to someone, but I want to learn how to be that level of vulnerable. I am an open book as long I remain in control. You see, I have loved greatly, though unrequited, and I have learned a lot from it. There are fears attached to letting someone have that much of an affect on me. In the majority of cases, I feel that I have been able to allow people to affect me at certain levels that felt safe for the relationship according to the person that I was dealing with. In this particular situation, that was not so. I spent years trying to figure out how to manage it, let it go, or tuck it away. Out of sight, out of mind was mildly successful for a time, but the fact remained that I couldn't control it. It scared the ever living crap out of me.

After watching this short film and listing to that one line over and over, again. I knew I had to start working on letting myself be affected by those around me. I had to come to an understanding that I can handle whatever gets thrown at me. I can be open, I can be honest, and I can be authentic. I don’t want to hold back anymore. I want to let go, be my best self, and love the way I want to love. The people that don’t like it, or can’t handle it can be lovingly released to go their own way.

I know that sounds all positive and empowering, but the fact of the matter is, it’s not always easy. I’ve lost people in the process. Granted they are people that are either not exactly supportive of or can’t really handle what I like to call Raw Holly.

Cuban’s are passionate by nature. So Raw Holly isn’t going to be all of the beautiful emotions. There is bringing light and attention to injustices. There is a lot of standing up for myself (because let’s face it, who else is going to stand up for me). My Warrior Goddess is on guard ready to make an appearance when she needs to. There is definite fire there, but there is also the air aspect of independence and freedom, the water aspect of emotions and flow, the earth aspect of grounding and being present, and the Spirit aspect that guides me, comforts me and keeps me strong.

I am emotional. I overthink things. I am not afraid of being uncomfortable. I am not afraid of making you uncomfortable because sometimes a little cognitive dissonance is exactly what people need. I am not proper. I'm not fond of makeup. I am not fond of being ashamed of my body, despite being 100 lbs overweight. I have no problem looking like an idiot if it means I get to dance, sing, act, feel better or make someone laugh. I am emotional. I battle depression. I battle chronic pain. I battle. I am not afraid to get my hands dirty. I will play hard (as hard as by body, that has also been broken several times, will allow). I will work hard. I will love hard. I will hurt hard. I will heal quickly as I have learned the art of processing emotions, nowhere near mastered, but definitely learned. I accept and embrace that I have emotions, and I am no longer afraid to have them and acknowledge them. I cry for seemingly no reason sometimes, but I am healing. I may not be all fun and games, but I am fun and games when I can be. I'm adventurous. I'm mischevious. I am learning to love and embrace who I am, despite all of the messy bits.

It’s been a long journey so far, and there is a lot more to go. As a matter of fact, I have a feeling that this particular personal project is going to have to go into next year, too. It’s defiantly a process. I am making progress, but I am nowhere near “there”, yet. Maybe one day someone else will be able to see me, all of me, and love it, too, maybe even better than I love it all. It's a struggle for me sometimes, but other times it's great being me. I just want to make it better. I want to allow people to affect more, and in turn, allow myself to affect them by being unapologetically, authentically who I was created to be.
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To any of you that have tackled this one already, let me know any tricks or tools you used to overcome it. As always, I am totally open to questions and comments.

Always Keep Fighting

I wrote this earlier last month, but did not feel right posting it at that particular time as it seemed pretty dark, and I was still in the midst of that darkness. Now that I am on the other side of it, I feel more comfortable talking about it. 

Since this was originally written, I got help in the form of support and supplements from my magical aunts, and a new kitten from my mom, both of which have helped me get to a place where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I fought hard over Christmas week keeping myself together only to lose it on my last night there. Luckily, I had my support system to get me through that last night, and I came home to the support system that I have here in Atlanta which is amazing. 

I have, also, found the Always Keep Fighting community that was created through Jared Padalecki’s Always Keep Fighting Campaign. They have helped me see my depression in a whole new light and given me the guts to talk about it after 30 years of battling in virtual silence. I have to say it has been incredibly empowering and I have never felt less alone in this.

That being said, here is my blog on depression that I wrote December 12, 2015:

“Today has been one of the darker days in my battle with depression. There is no particular reason for it, as that tends to be how depression works. It didn’t help that I had this dream that I found paralleled my daily struggle with depression. 

In this dream, I was a hunter of monsters, the paranormal kind. This is a dream I usually would have chalked up to watching too much Supernatural, but in that time between leaving the dream state and waking up I saw so clearly that this wasn’t just one of my adventurous dreams that tend to happen after binge watching SPN, this was something going on inside of me, and it happens all of the time. 

I am in this constant state of defense. I’m ready to fight at the drop of a hat because you never know when a demon is going to show up. After all these years I’ve learned to be able to feel when some of them are lurking, especially the ones that I have dealt with before. It’s the ones that I haven’t dealt with or thought I had killed off already that catch me off guard. 

In the dream, I was at a hotel at some sort of event. It seemed like a wedding or something. I had my own room, but in the room right next to me was my crew of fellow hunters (my friends/support system). I could feel that we were a group of people that simply understood and accepted each other. It felt like a home base for me, a safe place. 

I did notice that over the length of the dream, they never left that room. I would go wander around downstairs where the other guests were mingling. I didn’t really do a lot of mingling myself, but I just wandered around. There was a guy at the bar that was trash talking hunters. I felt like, although it felt like a dangerous mission, it was up to me to be the voice of truth for the hunters. People like this guy, and I felt as though there were many at this party, were trying to spread fear about us. When I spoke, I spoke loudly and clearly to make sure that I was heard. I told the people around me that we were not the ones to be feared. We are here to protect you from what you should actually be fearing. Since we were present there was no need for fear. Enjoy yourselves and respect the hunters. 

On my way back up to my room, I encountered a child and encouraged her so that she knew we would keep her safe. Then I told her to go dance. I ran into a friend who was not a hunter but felt in danger. I took him to my hotel room to keep him safe. I went next door to let the hunters know something was there and that I had a friend next door, in my room, who saw it. When I went back in the room to check on him, I couldn’t find him. I saw that the closet door was locked and started calling for one of the hunters named Andrew. He told me to go in the room with everyone else and he would take care of it. 

After a few minutes in the room with the hunters, I hear a knock at the door. It’s a guy that I had met downstairs. His eyes started shining like bright blue lights and then his face turned blue. He didn’t seem dangerous at all. I called to my friends and said, “Guys…Is this one of those Levintian things?” One of the guys casually said, “Yeah, just sit him down and give him these.”, as he threw me a bunch of breadsticks. “Carbs keep them calm.”

I began to wake up after that and had this moment of clarity that the hunting that I watch on Supernatural is not a far cry from what goes on with me internally. Then I look at Dean’s character and I see so much of myself in him. The feelings of worthlessness, feeling like the grunt of the family. Having this little brother that he looks at and sees the golden boy, and he loves him so much that he just wants to protect him all of the time. I get that. I have the perfect little brother that I would do anything to protect and keep from getting hurt. I am the screw up of the family. The one who can’t get it together. In my mind, I am worth much less to this world than he is. I am, also, much more stress on everyone. 

It doesn’t help that I have chosen a life path that is not the easiest to understand, and that I hold on to excess weight because of a subconscious need for a coat of protection. 

The battles that I fight aren’t always internal, sometimes they are external, and that is actually a sign of progress. I will actually stand up for myself nowadays. I used to be a doormat because I assumed what I was being told during these attacks were true. I always wanted someone to stand up for me, but no one else was going to, so I had to learn to be that person. People were used to me being a doormat, so they didn’t like it when I started fighting back. 

I began to wonder, if people had any idea about the battles I have had to fight on a daily basis since I was a child, if they would stop attacking at the very least out of pity. Unfortunately, I think they preferred me weak and pitiful. The warrior I have had to become has proven to be more difficult and less fun to try to toy with. The attacks still happen, but nowhere near as much as they did when I was younger. It’s still enough to get exhausting and annoying, though. 

Most days, it doesn’t bother me too much. I am used to the day to day battles. Basic functioning under the heavy emotional weight (which is actually heavier than the physical weight, believe it or not) can wear me out quickly, but I keep going. Fighting demons as I walk to class, as I work with the girls, as I socialize with my friends, spend time with my family, while I am actually in class (Being an overweight 35 year old in a room of early 20-somethings can do a number on you if you let it. My battle is one of not letting it.), and when I am home alone. 

I keep music or the TV on a lot of the time that I am home to keep it from getting too quiet. If I’m reading and writing I like it quiet, but even to meditate here at home, I try to have peaceful music on so that I don’t end up on the battlefield of my mind on my way to my happy place. It’s happened many times before.

My depression is not something that I talk about ever to anyone outside of a handful of people in my tight inner circle, my fellow hunters I guess you could call them. I’ve learned that a lot of people outside of those select few are not okay with me having feelings. As a matter of fact before I had them, there was maybe one person at a time in my life that could kind of handle me feeling things sometimes. It was really hard feeling things the way that I do and getting constant feedback that it wasn’t okay. Even if only a tiny pseudo-representation of what I was feeling was expressed it wasn’t okay. So I started writing, and dancing, and singing, and anything that I could find to express something. I even caught flack for that. It was really frustrating. It left me broken for a long time. Not that I am totally put back together, yet, but my soul is getting some of the life back in it. The fire of my passion and fierceness has been rekindled, my emotions flow more freely, and I listen to myself. I let myself feel what I am feeling and I take it from there. Sometimes I just need a day to write, binge watch Psych (as much as I love Supernatural, it can be a trigger on my dark days, Psych is kind of a happy place show for me… I will also watch the Supernatural cast panels that they do, they are hilarious and light hearted…They always make me feel better,too…), burn some candles, meditate, and just have a few good cries and recharge. It’s really nice when these days fall on weekends when I don’t have to be anywhere, but they don’t always. At which point, the battle is extra rough because I have to fight the overwhelming demons while I try to function like a normal human being. This is not always easy, but doable. Luckily, I can often blame it on allergies to keep from dragging anybody into anything, and for the most part, I can reach out to my “fellow hunters” when I need to.”

I have come across some great resources in my healing journey. 

There’s Open Path, which is a program that you can sign up for and see a counselor or therapist for $30-$50 per session. It has been an amazing find for a college student like myself. 

There is also the fantastic community in Jared Padalecki’s Always Keep Fighting Campaign that I mentioned above. The AKF and SPN communities are both full of supportive people, as well as, people that could use support. This is how we come together. A lot of us have been there, and can help each other through.

I highly recommend getting a pet. My new little partner in crime, Misha Acklelecki, has done wonders for me.

I, personally, seek life coaching and/or hypnotherapy along with plenty of other holistic methods of healing at Sphere Innovations. They are a wonderful community of people that, also, offer monthly group meditations and a monthly Reiki share if you live in the North Georgia or Atlanta area.

I am, also, a life coach myself. I am going to school to become a Psychologist. “But you battle depression.” I do. I have for years. I’m still here. I can help because I can empathize. I know how to kill the demons and the monsters because I have been there. I know what it’s like to have days where it’s hard to get out of the bed, get dressed, leave the house, and act like you have your life together. I’ve done it numerous times. I enjoy using what I learn to help other people.

My point being, help is out there. Support is out there. Don’t hesitate to seek it out. You don’t have to endure it alone. There are people you can talk to. Myself being one of them. I go to a counselor because she chose the line of work that involves dealing with my crap. As someone going into the same line of work, let me tell you that you will not be a burden. We want to love you and help you heal. We’re not here to judge. You are not alone.

Politics & Religion

Hi, my name is Holly, and I am a Libertarian. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, basically, I feel the government should be limited instead of the people (see chart below). 

There has been so much going around lately about religious beliefs, and how laws should reflect religious beliefs. Laws should reflect what is good for the people, and frankly there needs to be less laws then there are. The government needs to get its politically correct hands out of everyone else’s personal business. The government of a Constitutional Republic is not a government that needs to be telling we the people how and what to think. It doesn’t need to be distracting us with ridiculous controversies to hide all of the corruption going on. It doesn’t need to have it’s hands in every little thing because that is how we begin to lose our freedom. Did you know that you can now be arrested for thought crimes? Does that sound like a free country to you? 

Imagine a world where marriage is your choice, and divorcing is your choice. You don’t have to pay legal fees or deal with paperwork. You do what is right for you instead of what everyone tells you to do. Remember the days when most jobs provided you with health insurance, and it wasn’t a constant fight to get healthcare? Back when fast food and mall jobs were for teenagers saving up to buy a car, and in my case music and Oakleys. (which is who the minimum wage was set for). Back when being unemployed and on government programs wasn’t so luxurious. I have been on unemployment, I used that time to get back in school and make something of myself, then got back to work as soon as could while remaining in school. I want to do more than what I am doing and have more of an impact on the world. It’s getting too easy to get comfortable and unmotivated. People get paid by the government to sit around and do nothing while people who are trying to make something of themselves end up with a mountain of student loan debt. Things are so backwards, and I don’t believe for a second that it’s not on purpose. The government has even gotten it’s hands way too far into education. It was enough to keep me from teaching back in the day watching my aunt, who spent her life in the school system and worked her way from a bus driver to a principal, having to constantly fight government for the children of our nation, but now they are trying to dumb them down with common core and force them to spend the majority of their lesson plans preparing for government testing. All the while trying to come up with penalties for homeschooling. I am totally for homeschooling, at least until high school, or even Montessori or experiential schools. I say until high school because when you homeschool your kid, or send them to a school where they can thrive, they are in a good place socially, mentally, and emotionally by their high school years and the opportunity for extracurriculars is great (as long as they stop getting rid of music and arts programs). The laws of the land should not keep people from their religion, ethics, and beliefs. They should protect the people from harm and from the government getting too big. If someone doesn’t want to bake you a cake for your gay wedding, take your business somewhere where your money is good. If someone wouldn’t sell me food because I was overweight, I would spend my money somewhere that is more than happy to sell me food (granted, my network of people would be informed of it via social media, but there would be no lawsuit). Freedom is deciding for yourself. It’s not fearing to use your voice, and to think something that it is different from what the collective deems safe. 

Freedom is being allowed to be a free-thinker. Freedom is being allowed to love and worship whatever version of God resonates with you, as long as you aren’t harming anyone. This includes forcing your beliefs on others. If being a homosexual is not right for you, then be straight, that doesn’t mean that everyone else has to be straight, too. If they’re not, fine. You don’t have to understand it, just let them be true to themselves. The suicide rate is so high with LGBT because of how they are made to feel about their sexuality. If you are born a girl and feel like a girl, awesome. If you are born a girl and feel like a boy, awesome. Do what you have to do to be true to yourself. The only negative-ish thing that I will say about this, is don’t expect me, the taxpayer, to pay for your gender reassignment, unless you, the taxpayer, would like to pay for my gastric bypass and access skin removal afterwards. I am a strong, skinny woman, trapped in a curvy girls body, it’s not always easy to match your outside to your inside, but you have to work with what you have sometimes (unless you have Kardashian levels of money). I love the Wiccan Rede (before you continue reading, remove any negativity you have attached to the word Wiccan, and read the Rede with an open mind): Do what you will and harm none.

Which brings us to religion. I, personally, love to experience God. In a lot of different ways, inspired by a lot of different religions and belief systems. Beliefnet labelled me as Neo-Pagan, which I have learned is basically the “other” category of religions and belief systems. I have Christian beliefs, I have Buddhist beliefs, I have Pagan beliefs, I have Druid beliefs, I have Wiccan beliefs, I have Christian Science (not Scientology) beliefs, I have Metaphysical beliefs, and I have metaphysical gifts. The list goes on and on. I pray, I meditate, I light candles, I manifest, I attend healing rituals and celebrations with my “Tribe”, I practice energy healing and holistic healing (I go the doctor once a year get my PCOS prescription, it’s the hormonal wackiness that has plagued me since puberty, which I am currently reading about so that I can reverse it). I have already begun to reduce the chemicals that go in and on my body little by little. Which, I have to go on record as saying, baking soda based deodorants work so much better than the chemical ridden stuff you find in regular stores. Also, coconut oil is an awesome makeup remover and moisturizer. But I digress. The point that I am trying to make here is that I have my ways of experiencing and working with and for God. They don’t look like what the world may be used to, but it is what works for me and connects me to the Divine. In that, I have learned that there are many ways to connect to and experience God. As long as you are “harming none”, it’s not wrong. As for all of you Christians out there, I encourage you to remember not only the death of Jesus (which by the way, was meant to get rid of all of those laws that no longer had a place in a world that had evolved spiritually), but to. also, focus on his life and why he came here in the first place. It was to show us how to love, and that getting rid of the hate, judgement, and discrimination, and embracing love and walking in love is the new way to Godliness. All those years ago, we graduated from the rules of the Old Testament and moved into a new era of love. It’s time that we reminded ourselves of that, as we begin to graduate even further into a deeper level of loving. There is a reason kids are being born with incredible awareness. Some toddlers will have breakdowns over eating animals. Toddlers! We are moving forward, and with that you have to move forward with it, and start deciding for yourself the kind of life that you want to lead, and the kind of legacy you want to leave behind. I know that I would prefer to leave the children a brighter, safer, more loving future, full of adventure, passion, and joy. 

Let the haters hate, while you laugh it off with those who appreciate. 

You can’t control other people, you can only control yourself, your life,  and how you react to other people.

  

Online Dating Rant

I was reading this article on Elite Daily, and not only could I relate, but it got me to thinking about this whole dating thing. I have been out of the dating scene for a while (because I got tired of it), but I feel like it is time to start putting myself out there, again.  I do want to be in a relationship and I do want to date, but things seem to have changed quite a bit, and I have to admit I don’t like where they are going.

I've been trying a few online dating sites, and I have to say it hasn't been pretty so far. As I was talking to Megan and Robby about my online dating woes yesterday, Robby said to me, "Whatever happened to meeting for dinner? Opening doors for a lady ... wining and dining a lady." That's what I want, but it is something that has, unfortunately, become all too rare. I am not one to settle, especially when it comes to romance. I have seen too many toxic relationships to ever want to end up in one. I have seen good ones too and am learning what I want in a relationship, as well as, what I don't want. 

Too many of the guys are just out for, as Steve Harvey calls it, the cookie. I want to go out and have fun and laugh, not naked bathroom selfies. Now mind you, a few months into a relationship that could be fun and sexy, but before you even meet someone in person or after date number 1, not fun or sexy, just creepy. 

I’m not saying you will never get the cookie. I am saying you might have to put in some time and effort, and frankly, I don’t think that’s too much to ask. I need the foundation of trust, friendship, chemistry, and sexual attraction to be there. I’m not one of those girls who is eager to “bake cookies” for every man I meet. I need substance.

I know there are good men out there. I have many in my group of family and friends. Most of them are just gay and/or married. The single few sometimes seem interested, but don’t do anything about it. They seem to have me in the friend zone (It’s not just for guys), I suppose. 

When I was working with a life coach at one point, she told me to allow myself to be pursued, so that is what I try to do. On the online dating sites, I don’t contact people, I let them contact me, and they do. It’s hard to sift through them sometimes. 

Some you can tell right away that they are douche bags, with messages like, “I want to spread my seed.” and “R U DTF?”. Both of which are real messages that I have received. As a writer, the text talk drives me nuts. If you want a response from me, use full words and at least make a solid attempt at grammar. Even “Wussup” will make me hesitate to respond. If English isn’t your first language, I will give you a break, other than that get it together guys. Again, the rules change once we have a good foundation built and it’s done in jest. As a first impression, it will not fly. 

Dating needs to get back to the basics, again. I can’t stand this hookup culture. If you are a part of it, and you enjoy, great. Good for you. Do what makes you happy. I’m just saying that’s not what I want for myself.

I want someone to laugh with, joke with, talk to in depth about anything and everything, someone to go have fun with, someone to stay in and cuddle with, someone who can see something special in me as I see something special in him. Someone that I feel safe being vulnerable with, that is willing to be vulnerable with me, as well. Someone honest, who can handle the truth, and is capable of talking things out. Is that really so much to ask for. Just someone who enjoys my company and can be totally himself with me, and I can be totally myself with him. 

I’m not needy or insecure. No one needs to sacrifice anything that they don’t want to let go of. Chase your dreams, because I will continue to chase mine. Ask any of my friends, I’m a pretty good cheerleader, and I am pretty flexible when it comes to maintaining relationships. I don’t understand why it gets so complicated in some people’s minds. 

I have my memberships on the online sites until December so I will check them every once in a while, but I seem to have better luck meeting people throughout different areas of my walking life. I’ve been actually trying since school got out, and I have been occupying my time. School starts back June 8th, so I will most likely go back to being too busy with school, work, chorus, family and friends to worry about it too much. It’s still something that I want for myself someday, I think I am better off just letting it happen, and shutting down the douche bags. 

I have a good life, and I think that really helps to keep me from settling for a jerk. 

I would love to hear anyone else’s dating experiences and advice for dating in 2015. All comments and questions are welcome. 

With lots of love, light and big hugs to all of you.

10 Things You Hate About Me

I have been reading about Frida Kahlo, and even though I am not a huge fan of her art, I am a huge fan of her. I find myself relating to her and questioning who I am versus who I am trying to be.

When you are 35 and single, society can distort who you are as you begin to believe that because you are single there is something wrong with you. I am told over and over, again, that I have to present myself a certain way in order to be attractive. I have been told the majority of my life that I have to lose weight, wear make up, dress a certain way, act a certain way, be a certain kind of “fit in the box” woman, and if I am not perfect in every way I will remain single forever.

In all honesty, trying to be everything perfectly for everybody is not only exhausting, but it is unrealistic and dishonest to who I really am. So, who am I? What is so wrong with me?

Here are 10 things you might hate about me:

1. I hate make-up. Sometimes it can be fun to play with, but for everyday I can’t do it. Especially, foundations and powders. They are so uncomfortable, and it feels like a literal mask. I don’t want to hide who I am. I want to be truly me, raw and uncut, and be loved and appreciated for that. I want to be loved for who I am, not for I am pretending to be, or even for who I have the potential to one day possibly be. Just me. Right here. Right now. Me. 
• Why you hate this about me - As a woman, I am supposed to be into makeup and wrapped up in how I look. Contrary to society, I am more concerned with who I am. I may not be as vibrant, gorgeous, and picturesque as you like without wearing makeup constantly, but damn it, I will accept whoever you want to be and love you for it.
2. I can’t guarantee that I will ever weigh less than I do now. I can lose weight, I’ve done it before, sometimes it comes back. Maybe not always, but the possibility remains. The fact of the matter is I have PCOS which screws with your hormones, and also screws with your ability to lose weight. Solid support could help, but it’s just me right now. Due to the pain that I have acquired from car accidents over the years (and emotional pain from, well, let’s just say kind of everywhere), I am not always enough to keep myself on track. I am working on it. Actively. I have to go by how I feel, and not what I am losing (or not losing) because then I will surely get discouraged.
• Why you might hate this about me - Stereotypically, it means that I am lazy, sloppy, unhealthy, and gross. I’m not supposed to be comfortable or sexy at my weight, but I will strut my stuff anyhow. I will fosse dance the heck out of a chair, get on a stage and pour my heart out in a song or a dance (or a mix of the two), break out the Michael Jackson moves, or shake it to just about any kind of music that comes on the radio. The pain from past car accidents holds me back more than the weight ever did. 
3. I don’t like to cook very much. To be honest standing in one place for more than a few minutes hurts like hell. With the actual cooking, it’s not so bad because I move around a lot, but the dishes can be killer. I’m not bad at it, I just don’t take the time to put much effort into cooking just for myself. The Magic Bullet has been a wonderful in this arena. Throw some frozen fruit and veggies together with some yogurt and water and you can quickly and easily drink a nutritious meal. 
• Why you might hate this about me - Women are supposed to cook. The way to a man’s heart is his stomach, right? No home cooking, no man. This is probably the one that will lose me the most points, apart from my weight.
4. I am passionate and emotional. I feel things, and I feel them deeply. Writing is my art. I tend to write loving, emotional, handwritten letters to friends and family. I pour my heart into them, and I gush and dote. I love big and I love hard. Friends, family, people, partners I love them, as my niece Emi says, “Big, wide, and tall”. With that comes hurting hard. When my heart gets broken, it’s painful. More painful than most people can bear. It breaks over rejection, betrayal, lies, or seeing someone else hurting. I can be overwhelmed with love and joy, or pain and sadness. Anything I feel is intensified. This can freak people out, I’ve seen it happen, and it has caused me to feel bad about loving the way that I do, and feeling the way that I do. I figure I have to be like this for a reason. It has to have some higher purpose. Thanks to societies expectations I water down and filter myself, and I’m not so sure I should be doing that.
• Why you might hate this about me - I will cry. If I am happy, sad, excited, angry, touched, I may very well cry. Sometimes, I will care too much when you don’t want me to.
5. I am a healer at heart. This is why it’s hard for me to see others hurting. I know what it’s like to hurt, and I know what it’s like to heal. So when I see someone hurting or harming themselves, I want to help. Megan, who is one of my best friends and part of my extended family, made a comment to me one time as we were walking through a hospital. She kind of giggled, and said, “You say ‘hi’ to everyone.” I never realized that I did it, until she said something. Then I said (without thinking about it) something like you never know who is having a bad day, or feeling under-appreciated, ignored or stressed out. That moment I realized that the way she is a bleeding heart for animals, I am a bleeding heart for humans. Healing myself is just as important as healing others, and I take one just as much to heart as the other. 
• Why you might hate this about me - I want to be helpful, and I want you to heal. I have fallen for guys that should have been clients. I was trying to save them by loving them. This one, also, causes me to care about you too much, like it or not. 
6. I love music. I love to sing and I love to dance. I, also, own a bunch of instruments that I can barely play. I am a musical theater nerd, and I like to sing and dance in everyday life. I even make up songs, or sing my frustrations, as I feel it makes them come across less impatient and bitchy.
• Why you might hate this about me - I sing and dance randomly throughout my day, all of the time, it can be embarrassing. 
7. I don’t like rules and limitations. Don’t tell me I can’t do something. Get out of my way.
• Why you might hate this about me - you want me to live by your rules and limited expectations.
8. I am constantly working on myself. As I mentioned before, I take my own healing very seriously. I want to be the best version of myself that I can muster up at any given moment. Sometimes that puts me at the top of my game, and sometimes that means a luxurious bath, a fabulous nap, and some down time.
• Why you might hate this about me - While working on my own healing, I have to deal with my crap. Sometimes this process can look a little chaotic. I can be depressed, frustrated, angry, hurt or sad when dealing with the emotions, and then once I sleep it off I’m good to go, again. This cycle could go on for however long it takes to work through it, but it will be worth it in the end. I have references who can attest to that.
9. I am spiritual. I dabble in different practices as well as creating my own. I like to experience God the way that I experience God, sans rules, limitations, and expectations. I meditate, I communicate with the spirit world (angels, guides, ancestors, fae, family, friends, masters) , I pray, I light candles, I participate in Druid healing circles, I celebrate Pagan and Christian holidays, I celebrate for the sake of celebrating, I manifest, I dance, I laugh, I love, I sing, I am a Reiki master, I do energy work, I am intuitive. My friends and family in this part of my world, we are called lightworkers. 
• Why you might hate this about me - It’s weird. At least, it seems weird to people who may not be familiar with some of these concepts, and fear what they don’t understand. Not everyone is going to get it, and that’s okay, but it’s a big part of who I am, and I have found that a lot of people have had an issue with it. You might, too. 
10. I desire truth and honesty. As much as I long to present myself as truly me, I hope for the same from you. I want you to know me, to see me for who I am. I want to know you and see you for who you truly are.
• Why you might hate this about me - I will call you out. I won’t let you get away with lying or B.S.ing me. If I do let you get away with, know that I have given up on trying to help you and our friendship from that day forward will be superficial, as I will not trust you.

One of the critiques I have gotten on my blog from a dear friend who is not afraid to be real with me, is to be more real and acknowledge the negative in myself. First of all, I thought I was. Maybe he just likes me more than the majority of people and the things I get negative feedback on, he doesn’t see as negative. I will say this, everything that I have listed here I have gotten negative feedback on. Be it criticisms, rejection, betrayal, weirding people out, disappointing people, or just causing people to simply disappear from life. So whether you decide to judge them as good or bad, all I can do is judge them as me. 

Love Like Music

I was pondering the words, “I want someone who makes me feel the way music does.” It hit me with such a resonance, that I felt the need to understand what it is that music makes me feel and why. I have always thought of my experience with music as something ineffable, but today I am going to give it a try and see what happens.

Music has always made me feel less alone. It has reminded of the good times and helped me escape the not so great times. I have felt comforted and understood by the right song, at the right moment. Music does’t care what version of me I happen to be that day. It doesn’t care if I am mad, crazy, happy, sad, content, stuck in traffic, in love, frustrated, or emotional. It’s always there without any judgement. I can be exactly who I am with music, and it will always love me back. It is so incredibly important to me that I can always count on it, and I know that it will never leave me. Music is something that no matter what you put into it, it loves you back. It loves you back in the dance, it loves you back in the singing, the playing, or even in just the transcendental experience of the listening.

It is the sound of emotions. It helps you feel things that you may have been afraid to feel. It helps you see truth. It helps you see the world as you want it to be. Music can give you whatever you need, whenever you need it. It will cry with you, smile with you, laugh with you, and even scream when even you can’t. It can express what you are afraid to express, say what you are afraid to say, and encourage you to be what you are afraid to be. 

Music adds flavor to the mundane moments, and emphasizes the more significant moments. It helps you remember what's forgotten, and it helps you forget what you don't want to remember. Loneliness fades. Anxiety falls away. Emotions demand to be felt. Most importantly, it's okay. Whatever you're feeling, it's okay. There will always be a song to help you feel what you need to feel, to help you get through what you need to get through, and to help you rise above whatever needs to be risen above. It can come from a really deep place, and touch a soul in that same deep place. You can connect to it.

Something that I have noticed in my musician friends is that they are true musicians who are true to themselves and true to the music. They share a special part of themselves with those who get to hear their music. That is why you will often see me sharing and promoting for my musician friends. They share a part of themselves that is such raw beauty that I feel like anyone who doesn’t get to hear it is missing out on something really special. 

There is love, healing, joy and companionship in the music. The possibilities are endless. There is no limit to music. With as much music that already exists, there is still so much more to be created. There are so many ways to coexist with and experience music that you will never be bored. There is always something new to do, hear, learn, and create. 

There are people in the world that, much like music, just get you. They add something great to your world, and always seem to understand you on a level no one else does. How lovely it would be to feel understood. How lovely it would be to have another human being accept who you are fully, not in spite of your imperfections, but because of them. How wonderful it would be for someone to see the real you through any facade you present, seeing right through that “I’m fine” exterior, and seeing in your eyes that you could really use a hug right now. How lovely to be seen for all that you are and be loved and accepted as such on so many deep and intimate levels. How beautiful would it be to have someone who let’s you in so deeply that you get to see and love all of the parts of them in return. Someone who wants to share their world with you, and wants to be a part of yours. It is a beautiful thing to know and understand someone so deeply. It is just as powerful to have the ability to see beyond their facade, as it is to have them see beyond yours. To be trusted with every part of a person is a blessing. To be able to love and be loved, to count on and be counted on in the ways we allow our selves to open up to and interact with the music. Oh what a beautiful love that would be.

Caging the Beast

In the wake of Robin Williams death, I have seen an outpouring of love, shock, sadness, and people finding a piece of themselves in his story. People speaking out about their experiences with depression, who are taking this opportunity to help people understand that depression is a real thing. I started to comment on my cousin, Roxee’s, post about the pain of her depression. It started getting pretty long so I decided to make it a blog, because I feel that what I have to say needs to be heard. I will give you a brief look at my depression, but what I think is even more important is what it has taught me.

I have dealt with depression since I was about 5 or 6. I can’t pinpoint exactly what brought it on because there was a lot happening then. I came into this world loving hard, and it didn’t take me long to realize that hurting hard came with that. As, an Indigo kid, I came to this planet with a remembrance of where I came from. So not only was I in a lot of pain growing up that I had learned to bottle up, but I remember how much better things were on the other side. In middle school, it got really hard and I desperately wanted out. Suicidal thoughts ran rampant and I made a few measly attempts that consisted of an attempt to overdose on Tylenol that I found out years later was the equivalent of two prescription strength Tylenols, and sitting in a bathroom with a plastic McDonalds knife for a half hour after which I gave up  because I could barely break the skin. Give me a break, I was 12 and had no idea what I was doing, which I am now grateful for. The suicidal thoughts continued through high school. I had been so convinced that I was useless that I actually remember talking over a plan with God. I wanted to be taken off of the planet before high school graduation. I knew I was going to fail at real life, and if I died then instead of years and years of disappointment, my friends and family would talk about all of the promise I had, and I they know I would have lived up to all of their expectations, if only I had stayed. I knew staying here meant defying all expectations, because I am far from normal, and I tend to dream big, bigger than most of the people around me at the time could understand. The problem with that was I never felt good enough, or worthy enough to chase those dreams until fairly recently. 

I was always alone a lot, I still am, but not as much as I used to be. That gave me way too much time to overthink everything, and for my self talk to get really loud and overwhelming. I tried to numb the pain and quiet my self talk with TV, music, movies, dancing and singing. My mom once told me that the only time I seemed truly happy in middle school was when I was on stage.

Lake Placid was always a good escape from hurting, too. It’s like the pressure was off for a little while, and we just got to play all day. It was always a place where I could find peace and happiness. Even when I was alone there, it was a more peaceful kind of alone.

 

I began therapy around 7 years old, and continued it into my 20’s while I had health insurance. Then I started finding other ways of coping. I found Christianity, and got into the local band scene, which totally fed my love for music. I threw myself into being a fan and friend of a band called Saline (sorry, guys, if you are reading this, I don’t remember what random letters were capitalized. Haha), and then for a band called Crimson Vera. They are all amazing people, and I wanted to somehow, even in a small way be a part of something great. I didn’t know at the time that I was capable of creating greatness, too. I have always had a desire to touch the world, to touch people, to bring happiness, joy and laughter. I just didn’t realize my own power in my life. Live music is still therapeutic to me. I have met so many talented musicians, and made some friends for life in that world. Plus, how many people can say that their favorite musicians know them by name. Haha. It was actually the love, kindness and friendship of one of those musicians that helped me realize my worth. That was when I began to really heal. I had my first Spiritual healing session in 2007. It changed my life. This is when I fell in love with being a healer, and got into metaphysics. I went back every three months for a year and a half until I moved to Georgia, again. I had my own apartment in Florida which gave me plenty of room to heal and grow. My first two years here were kind of chaotic, but once I got into my apartment in Roswell, I was back to healing lifetimes worth hurt in a matter of months. During those first two years I got my Reiki Masters, and began my work as a healer. I have, also, continued to get healing from friends I have made in the metaphysical world.

My healing journey has been a constant one, but I have learned a lot about people in the process. Healing myself and helping others has become a borderline addiction. I love crying it out and then waking up in the morning feeling 30 pounds lighter. Which is weird because I used to hate crying and it was something I would never do in front of people. As a matter of fact, I was really close to the family of the catalyst musician I mentioned earlier. His dad used to make me watch those extreme home makeover shows just to watch me squirm. It would make the whole family giggle. We were close enough that I knew he wasn’t doing it to be mean, just to mess with me. They, also, know that I have a good sense of humor. We just had those tease each other kind of relationships. Nowadays, I’ve cried so much in healing and releasing that I have learned to embrace it. Plus, if you cry around the right people, you get hugs, and I do love hugs. I have found a beauty in letting people be there for me. I thought I was showing weakness before, but I have realized that with the right people, it really can be a beautiful experience. 

Now that you have some background on me, here is what I was going to share with Roxee on Robin Williams and what I have learned on my journey through depression. 

I have gotten feedback from those closest to me, and they tell me that I have characteristics like loving, affectionate, kind, joyful, funny, silly, talented, a good friend, generous and fun. I have been told that I can light up a room. A lot of this is what you will also hear people say about Robin Williams, too. He would walk into a room and it would uplift everyone in the room. This is a part of depression that people don’t always understand. It’s the kind of character that you learn to be because of the pain. People like Robin and I, we have felt pain so deeply that we become the type person that will do anything they can to keep those around us from feeling pain. That’s why we do our best to be joyful, giving, happy and funny. We don’t want you to hurt, and if you do hurt and we can’t take it away completely, then we want to make you forget about it for a little while, at least. One of my best friends pointed out to me not too long ago that I say hi to everyone. I didn’t realize that I did that until she said something. Before I realized what I was saying I responded to her with, “well, you never know who’s having a bad day, or has been feels ignored, neglected or unappreciated.” We want people feeling better when they leave than they did when they walked in. This is the true meaning of beauty from pain. You don’t pass it on, you attempt to alleviate it. I have gotten to a point where I run my depression, it no longer runs me. I have healed a lot, and I will never stop healing. My drive to help myself and others is stronger than it has ever been, which is why I am a finally back in school and studying to be a counselor. 

I have, also, learned, as I mentioned earlier, that when you hurt hard, you can love hard. When you don’t take a risk on letting people in, you block out the good with bad. You have to let yourself be loved, and you have to let yourself love. Your self talk is key here, and you have control over it. Yell “NO!” at it and change it to something positive. Your self talk is your belief system, and a belief is just a thought that you keep thinking. So if you think a new thought, and just keep thinking it, it will become a belief. Also, remember that “I am” is a powerful phrase because what you put after it is what you create. It’s the basics of the Law of Attraction. Don’t focus on what you don’t want or don’t have because you will attract more of that. Focus on what you do want and be grateful for what you do have, so that you can attract the life you do want.

We should all strive to be love. If you are someone who does not suffer from depression, then please don’t try to discredit those who do. It is real, and it can be dangerous if untreated. Emotional pain doesn’t leave scars you can see with the naked eye, but if you take a deeper look with your heart you will see that the damage is real and the wounds need to be tended to. We all need love, and we have it in abundance, so give it away as much as you can because you will never run out. Our journeys are our own, and they are all going to look different, and that’s okay. Just love anyway. Allow people to heal on their terms. What worked for you may not work for them, so just listen and find out what it is that they need. 

If you do happen to be someone who struggles with depression, please make sure you are talking to someone who can help you. You need to know that you are not alone, and you are worth helping. You are loved, just look around and feel it. Those who love you may not know how to help you, so you have to speak up and fight for yourself. Fight for your right to be free of the pain and torment. You can get there. It can happen. You are worth it. If you don’t know where to get help then call me or write to me and I will do what I can to help. Even if you just need an ear to hear or a shoulder to cry on (I am one of those people that will hug you if you are crying around me, by the way). You are here for a reason, and sometimes you have to cage the beast so you can really see and understand your purpose. It’s there. Don’t give up. It may not be easy, but it will be worth it. Trust me.

Lots of Love and Light to all of you. 

Pass around some love today.