Let Yourself Be Affected

“We are more interested in putting up our guards with people than letting them affect us.” - Grace From Above

My new year's resolution this year was inspired by this quote from the C&I Studios short film, “Grace From Above”, which you can see here:


Grace From Above: Short Film // C&I Studios // from C&I Studios on Vimeo.

When I first heard this quote, I couldn’t stop rewinding the video and listening to it over and over, again. I knew this was my new personal project for myself. I have lived in a very guarded way and it has caused me to be inauthentic to my true self. My true self loves hard, and wants to hug everyone, care about everyone, love everyone, and fix their problems. This is why I am going into Counseling Psychology. However, over my 36 years on this planet, my trust was broken many times, my heart was broken many times, and as for me, well, I was never enough and I sure as heck was never “right”. I found that my ability to love hard was not something everyone could handle, it also caused me to hurt hard. When I was constantly picked apart by pretty much everyone around me, it affected me deeply. It was hurt that I was told that I was not “allowed” to feel. So I tried to shut it all down, or at the very least water it down. When I tried to love the way that I naturally love it led to constant rejection. I was even told, by a close, influential family member “Did you ever think that maybe people don’t always want a hug from you?” when I was in middle school. That kind of thing stuck with me. As an empath, I absorbed everything. I didn’t know how to control it the way that I do now. Fairly recently, the same person told me that no one would want to date me. I see my growth as I was pissed off for a few days because those old programs in my subconscious entertained the idea that this person might be right. I did, however, manage to fight through it. It is taking a lot of work to reprogram my thoughts, but I finally realized that my desirability isn’t the problem, it is my guardedness.

My heart has often been broken into millions of pieces, and my spirit crushed more times than I can count. Because of this, I have spent much of my life with such a desire to connect battling over the fear of being broken, hurt, and betrayed all over, again. I remain pretty reluctant to give myself completely to someone, but I want to learn how to be that level of vulnerable. I am an open book as long I remain in control. You see, I have loved greatly, though unrequited, and I have learned a lot from it. There are fears attached to letting someone have that much of an affect on me. In the majority of cases, I feel that I have been able to allow people to affect me at certain levels that felt safe for the relationship according to the person that I was dealing with. In this particular situation, that was not so. I spent years trying to figure out how to manage it, let it go, or tuck it away. Out of sight, out of mind was mildly successful for a time, but the fact remained that I couldn't control it. It scared the ever living crap out of me.

After watching this short film and listing to that one line over and over, again. I knew I had to start working on letting myself be affected by those around me. I had to come to an understanding that I can handle whatever gets thrown at me. I can be open, I can be honest, and I can be authentic. I don’t want to hold back anymore. I want to let go, be my best self, and love the way I want to love. The people that don’t like it, or can’t handle it can be lovingly released to go their own way.

I know that sounds all positive and empowering, but the fact of the matter is, it’s not always easy. I’ve lost people in the process. Granted they are people that are either not exactly supportive of or can’t really handle what I like to call Raw Holly.

Cuban’s are passionate by nature. So Raw Holly isn’t going to be all of the beautiful emotions. There is bringing light and attention to injustices. There is a lot of standing up for myself (because let’s face it, who else is going to stand up for me). My Warrior Goddess is on guard ready to make an appearance when she needs to. There is definite fire there, but there is also the air aspect of independence and freedom, the water aspect of emotions and flow, the earth aspect of grounding and being present, and the Spirit aspect that guides me, comforts me and keeps me strong.

I am emotional. I overthink things. I am not afraid of being uncomfortable. I am not afraid of making you uncomfortable because sometimes a little cognitive dissonance is exactly what people need. I am not proper. I'm not fond of makeup. I am not fond of being ashamed of my body, despite being 100 lbs overweight. I have no problem looking like an idiot if it means I get to dance, sing, act, feel better or make someone laugh. I am emotional. I battle depression. I battle chronic pain. I battle. I am not afraid to get my hands dirty. I will play hard (as hard as by body, that has also been broken several times, will allow). I will work hard. I will love hard. I will hurt hard. I will heal quickly as I have learned the art of processing emotions, nowhere near mastered, but definitely learned. I accept and embrace that I have emotions, and I am no longer afraid to have them and acknowledge them. I cry for seemingly no reason sometimes, but I am healing. I may not be all fun and games, but I am fun and games when I can be. I'm adventurous. I'm mischevious. I am learning to love and embrace who I am, despite all of the messy bits.

It’s been a long journey so far, and there is a lot more to go. As a matter of fact, I have a feeling that this particular personal project is going to have to go into next year, too. It’s defiantly a process. I am making progress, but I am nowhere near “there”, yet. Maybe one day someone else will be able to see me, all of me, and love it, too, maybe even better than I love it all. It's a struggle for me sometimes, but other times it's great being me. I just want to make it better. I want to allow people to affect more, and in turn, allow myself to affect them by being unapologetically, authentically who I was created to be.
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To any of you that have tackled this one already, let me know any tricks or tools you used to overcome it. As always, I am totally open to questions and comments.