I wrote this earlier last month, but did not feel right posting it at that particular time as it seemed pretty dark, and I was still in the midst of that darkness. Now that I am on the other side of it, I feel more comfortable talking about it.
Since this was originally written, I got help in the form of support and supplements from my magical aunts, and a new kitten from my mom, both of which have helped me get to a place where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I fought hard over Christmas week keeping myself together only to lose it on my last night there. Luckily, I had my support system to get me through that last night, and I came home to the support system that I have here in Atlanta which is amazing.
That being said, here is my blog on depression that I wrote December 12, 2015:
“Today has been one of the darker days in my battle with depression. There is no particular reason for it, as that tends to be how depression works. It didn’t help that I had this dream that I found paralleled my daily struggle with depression.
In this dream, I was a hunter of monsters, the paranormal kind. This is a dream I usually would have chalked up to watching too much Supernatural, but in that time between leaving the dream state and waking up I saw so clearly that this wasn’t just one of my adventurous dreams that tend to happen after binge watching SPN, this was something going on inside of me, and it happens all of the time.
I am in this constant state of defense. I’m ready to fight at the drop of a hat because you never know when a demon is going to show up. After all these years I’ve learned to be able to feel when some of them are lurking, especially the ones that I have dealt with before. It’s the ones that I haven’t dealt with or thought I had killed off already that catch me off guard.
In the dream, I was at a hotel at some sort of event. It seemed like a wedding or something. I had my own room, but in the room right next to me was my crew of fellow hunters (my friends/support system). I could feel that we were a group of people that simply understood and accepted each other. It felt like a home base for me, a safe place.
I did notice that over the length of the dream, they never left that room. I would go wander around downstairs where the other guests were mingling. I didn’t really do a lot of mingling myself, but I just wandered around. There was a guy at the bar that was trash talking hunters. I felt like, although it felt like a dangerous mission, it was up to me to be the voice of truth for the hunters. People like this guy, and I felt as though there were many at this party, were trying to spread fear about us. When I spoke, I spoke loudly and clearly to make sure that I was heard. I told the people around me that we were not the ones to be feared. We are here to protect you from what you should actually be fearing. Since we were present there was no need for fear. Enjoy yourselves and respect the hunters.
On my way back up to my room, I encountered a child and encouraged her so that she knew we would keep her safe. Then I told her to go dance. I ran into a friend who was not a hunter but felt in danger. I took him to my hotel room to keep him safe. I went next door to let the hunters know something was there and that I had a friend next door, in my room, who saw it. When I went back in the room to check on him, I couldn’t find him. I saw that the closet door was locked and started calling for one of the hunters named Andrew. He told me to go in the room with everyone else and he would take care of it.
After a few minutes in the room with the hunters, I hear a knock at the door. It’s a guy that I had met downstairs. His eyes started shining like bright blue lights and then his face turned blue. He didn’t seem dangerous at all. I called to my friends and said, “Guys…Is this one of those Levintian things?” One of the guys casually said, “Yeah, just sit him down and give him these.”, as he threw me a bunch of breadsticks. “Carbs keep them calm.”
I began to wake up after that and had this moment of clarity that the hunting that I watch on Supernatural is not a far cry from what goes on with me internally. Then I look at Dean’s character and I see so much of myself in him. The feelings of worthlessness, feeling like the grunt of the family. Having this little brother that he looks at and sees the golden boy, and he loves him so much that he just wants to protect him all of the time. I get that. I have the perfect little brother that I would do anything to protect and keep from getting hurt. I am the screw up of the family. The one who can’t get it together. In my mind, I am worth much less to this world than he is. I am, also, much more stress on everyone.
It doesn’t help that I have chosen a life path that is not the easiest to understand, and that I hold on to excess weight because of a subconscious need for a coat of protection.
The battles that I fight aren’t always internal, sometimes they are external, and that is actually a sign of progress. I will actually stand up for myself nowadays. I used to be a doormat because I assumed what I was being told during these attacks were true. I always wanted someone to stand up for me, but no one else was going to, so I had to learn to be that person. People were used to me being a doormat, so they didn’t like it when I started fighting back.
I began to wonder, if people had any idea about the battles I have had to fight on a daily basis since I was a child, if they would stop attacking at the very least out of pity. Unfortunately, I think they preferred me weak and pitiful. The warrior I have had to become has proven to be more difficult and less fun to try to toy with. The attacks still happen, but nowhere near as much as they did when I was younger. It’s still enough to get exhausting and annoying, though.
Most days, it doesn’t bother me too much. I am used to the day to day battles. Basic functioning under the heavy emotional weight (which is actually heavier than the physical weight, believe it or not) can wear me out quickly, but I keep going. Fighting demons as I walk to class, as I work with the girls, as I socialize with my friends, spend time with my family, while I am actually in class (Being an overweight 35 year old in a room of early 20-somethings can do a number on you if you let it. My battle is one of not letting it.), and when I am home alone.
I keep music or the TV on a lot of the time that I am home to keep it from getting too quiet. If I’m reading and writing I like it quiet, but even to meditate here at home, I try to have peaceful music on so that I don’t end up on the battlefield of my mind on my way to my happy place. It’s happened many times before.
My depression is not something that I talk about ever to anyone outside of a handful of people in my tight inner circle, my fellow hunters I guess you could call them. I’ve learned that a lot of people outside of those select few are not okay with me having feelings. As a matter of fact before I had them, there was maybe one person at a time in my life that could kind of handle me feeling things sometimes. It was really hard feeling things the way that I do and getting constant feedback that it wasn’t okay. Even if only a tiny pseudo-representation of what I was feeling was expressed it wasn’t okay. So I started writing, and dancing, and singing, and anything that I could find to express something. I even caught flack for that. It was really frustrating. It left me broken for a long time. Not that I am totally put back together, yet, but my soul is getting some of the life back in it. The fire of my passion and fierceness has been rekindled, my emotions flow more freely, and I listen to myself. I let myself feel what I am feeling and I take it from there. Sometimes I just need a day to write, binge watch Psych (as much as I love Supernatural, it can be a trigger on my dark days, Psych is kind of a happy place show for me… I will also watch the Supernatural cast panels that they do, they are hilarious and light hearted…They always make me feel better,too…), burn some candles, meditate, and just have a few good cries and recharge. It’s really nice when these days fall on weekends when I don’t have to be anywhere, but they don’t always. At which point, the battle is extra rough because I have to fight the overwhelming demons while I try to function like a normal human being. This is not always easy, but doable. Luckily, I can often blame it on allergies to keep from dragging anybody into anything, and for the most part, I can reach out to my “fellow hunters” when I need to.”
I have come across some great resources in my healing journey.
There’s Open Path, which is a program that you can sign up for and see a counselor or therapist for $30-$50 per session. It has been an amazing find for a college student like myself.
There is also the fantastic community in Jared Padalecki’s Always Keep Fighting Campaign that I mentioned above. The AKF and SPN communities are both full of supportive people, as well as, people that could use support. This is how we come together. A lot of us have been there, and can help each other through.
I highly recommend getting a pet. My new little partner in crime, Misha Acklelecki, has done wonders for me.
I highly recommend getting a pet. My new little partner in crime, Misha Acklelecki, has done wonders for me.I, personally, seek life coaching and/or hypnotherapy along with plenty of other holistic methods of healing at Sphere Innovations. They are a wonderful community of people that, also, offer monthly group meditations and a monthly Reiki share if you live in the North Georgia or Atlanta area.
I am, also, a life coach myself. I am going to school to become a Psychologist. “But you battle depression.” I do. I have for years. I’m still here. I can help because I can empathize. I know how to kill the demons and the monsters because I have been there. I know what it’s like to have days where it’s hard to get out of the bed, get dressed, leave the house, and act like you have your life together. I’ve done it numerous times. I enjoy using what I learn to help other people.
My point being, help is out there. Support is out there. Don’t hesitate to seek it out. You don’t have to endure it alone. There are people you can talk to. Myself being one of them. I go to a counselor because she chose the line of work that involves dealing with my crap. As someone going into the same line of work, let me tell you that you will not be a burden. We want to love you and help you heal. We’re not here to judge. You are not alone.
