Let Yourself Be Affected

“We are more interested in putting up our guards with people than letting them affect us.” - Grace From Above

My new year's resolution this year was inspired by this quote from the C&I Studios short film, “Grace From Above”, which you can see here:


Grace From Above: Short Film // C&I Studios // from C&I Studios on Vimeo.

When I first heard this quote, I couldn’t stop rewinding the video and listening to it over and over, again. I knew this was my new personal project for myself. I have lived in a very guarded way and it has caused me to be inauthentic to my true self. My true self loves hard, and wants to hug everyone, care about everyone, love everyone, and fix their problems. This is why I am going into Counseling Psychology. However, over my 36 years on this planet, my trust was broken many times, my heart was broken many times, and as for me, well, I was never enough and I sure as heck was never “right”. I found that my ability to love hard was not something everyone could handle, it also caused me to hurt hard. When I was constantly picked apart by pretty much everyone around me, it affected me deeply. It was hurt that I was told that I was not “allowed” to feel. So I tried to shut it all down, or at the very least water it down. When I tried to love the way that I naturally love it led to constant rejection. I was even told, by a close, influential family member “Did you ever think that maybe people don’t always want a hug from you?” when I was in middle school. That kind of thing stuck with me. As an empath, I absorbed everything. I didn’t know how to control it the way that I do now. Fairly recently, the same person told me that no one would want to date me. I see my growth as I was pissed off for a few days because those old programs in my subconscious entertained the idea that this person might be right. I did, however, manage to fight through it. It is taking a lot of work to reprogram my thoughts, but I finally realized that my desirability isn’t the problem, it is my guardedness.

My heart has often been broken into millions of pieces, and my spirit crushed more times than I can count. Because of this, I have spent much of my life with such a desire to connect battling over the fear of being broken, hurt, and betrayed all over, again. I remain pretty reluctant to give myself completely to someone, but I want to learn how to be that level of vulnerable. I am an open book as long I remain in control. You see, I have loved greatly, though unrequited, and I have learned a lot from it. There are fears attached to letting someone have that much of an affect on me. In the majority of cases, I feel that I have been able to allow people to affect me at certain levels that felt safe for the relationship according to the person that I was dealing with. In this particular situation, that was not so. I spent years trying to figure out how to manage it, let it go, or tuck it away. Out of sight, out of mind was mildly successful for a time, but the fact remained that I couldn't control it. It scared the ever living crap out of me.

After watching this short film and listing to that one line over and over, again. I knew I had to start working on letting myself be affected by those around me. I had to come to an understanding that I can handle whatever gets thrown at me. I can be open, I can be honest, and I can be authentic. I don’t want to hold back anymore. I want to let go, be my best self, and love the way I want to love. The people that don’t like it, or can’t handle it can be lovingly released to go their own way.

I know that sounds all positive and empowering, but the fact of the matter is, it’s not always easy. I’ve lost people in the process. Granted they are people that are either not exactly supportive of or can’t really handle what I like to call Raw Holly.

Cuban’s are passionate by nature. So Raw Holly isn’t going to be all of the beautiful emotions. There is bringing light and attention to injustices. There is a lot of standing up for myself (because let’s face it, who else is going to stand up for me). My Warrior Goddess is on guard ready to make an appearance when she needs to. There is definite fire there, but there is also the air aspect of independence and freedom, the water aspect of emotions and flow, the earth aspect of grounding and being present, and the Spirit aspect that guides me, comforts me and keeps me strong.

I am emotional. I overthink things. I am not afraid of being uncomfortable. I am not afraid of making you uncomfortable because sometimes a little cognitive dissonance is exactly what people need. I am not proper. I'm not fond of makeup. I am not fond of being ashamed of my body, despite being 100 lbs overweight. I have no problem looking like an idiot if it means I get to dance, sing, act, feel better or make someone laugh. I am emotional. I battle depression. I battle chronic pain. I battle. I am not afraid to get my hands dirty. I will play hard (as hard as by body, that has also been broken several times, will allow). I will work hard. I will love hard. I will hurt hard. I will heal quickly as I have learned the art of processing emotions, nowhere near mastered, but definitely learned. I accept and embrace that I have emotions, and I am no longer afraid to have them and acknowledge them. I cry for seemingly no reason sometimes, but I am healing. I may not be all fun and games, but I am fun and games when I can be. I'm adventurous. I'm mischevious. I am learning to love and embrace who I am, despite all of the messy bits.

It’s been a long journey so far, and there is a lot more to go. As a matter of fact, I have a feeling that this particular personal project is going to have to go into next year, too. It’s defiantly a process. I am making progress, but I am nowhere near “there”, yet. Maybe one day someone else will be able to see me, all of me, and love it, too, maybe even better than I love it all. It's a struggle for me sometimes, but other times it's great being me. I just want to make it better. I want to allow people to affect more, and in turn, allow myself to affect them by being unapologetically, authentically who I was created to be.
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To any of you that have tackled this one already, let me know any tricks or tools you used to overcome it. As always, I am totally open to questions and comments.

Always Keep Fighting

I wrote this earlier last month, but did not feel right posting it at that particular time as it seemed pretty dark, and I was still in the midst of that darkness. Now that I am on the other side of it, I feel more comfortable talking about it. 

Since this was originally written, I got help in the form of support and supplements from my magical aunts, and a new kitten from my mom, both of which have helped me get to a place where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I fought hard over Christmas week keeping myself together only to lose it on my last night there. Luckily, I had my support system to get me through that last night, and I came home to the support system that I have here in Atlanta which is amazing. 

I have, also, found the Always Keep Fighting community that was created through Jared Padalecki’s Always Keep Fighting Campaign. They have helped me see my depression in a whole new light and given me the guts to talk about it after 30 years of battling in virtual silence. I have to say it has been incredibly empowering and I have never felt less alone in this.

That being said, here is my blog on depression that I wrote December 12, 2015:

“Today has been one of the darker days in my battle with depression. There is no particular reason for it, as that tends to be how depression works. It didn’t help that I had this dream that I found paralleled my daily struggle with depression. 

In this dream, I was a hunter of monsters, the paranormal kind. This is a dream I usually would have chalked up to watching too much Supernatural, but in that time between leaving the dream state and waking up I saw so clearly that this wasn’t just one of my adventurous dreams that tend to happen after binge watching SPN, this was something going on inside of me, and it happens all of the time. 

I am in this constant state of defense. I’m ready to fight at the drop of a hat because you never know when a demon is going to show up. After all these years I’ve learned to be able to feel when some of them are lurking, especially the ones that I have dealt with before. It’s the ones that I haven’t dealt with or thought I had killed off already that catch me off guard. 

In the dream, I was at a hotel at some sort of event. It seemed like a wedding or something. I had my own room, but in the room right next to me was my crew of fellow hunters (my friends/support system). I could feel that we were a group of people that simply understood and accepted each other. It felt like a home base for me, a safe place. 

I did notice that over the length of the dream, they never left that room. I would go wander around downstairs where the other guests were mingling. I didn’t really do a lot of mingling myself, but I just wandered around. There was a guy at the bar that was trash talking hunters. I felt like, although it felt like a dangerous mission, it was up to me to be the voice of truth for the hunters. People like this guy, and I felt as though there were many at this party, were trying to spread fear about us. When I spoke, I spoke loudly and clearly to make sure that I was heard. I told the people around me that we were not the ones to be feared. We are here to protect you from what you should actually be fearing. Since we were present there was no need for fear. Enjoy yourselves and respect the hunters. 

On my way back up to my room, I encountered a child and encouraged her so that she knew we would keep her safe. Then I told her to go dance. I ran into a friend who was not a hunter but felt in danger. I took him to my hotel room to keep him safe. I went next door to let the hunters know something was there and that I had a friend next door, in my room, who saw it. When I went back in the room to check on him, I couldn’t find him. I saw that the closet door was locked and started calling for one of the hunters named Andrew. He told me to go in the room with everyone else and he would take care of it. 

After a few minutes in the room with the hunters, I hear a knock at the door. It’s a guy that I had met downstairs. His eyes started shining like bright blue lights and then his face turned blue. He didn’t seem dangerous at all. I called to my friends and said, “Guys…Is this one of those Levintian things?” One of the guys casually said, “Yeah, just sit him down and give him these.”, as he threw me a bunch of breadsticks. “Carbs keep them calm.”

I began to wake up after that and had this moment of clarity that the hunting that I watch on Supernatural is not a far cry from what goes on with me internally. Then I look at Dean’s character and I see so much of myself in him. The feelings of worthlessness, feeling like the grunt of the family. Having this little brother that he looks at and sees the golden boy, and he loves him so much that he just wants to protect him all of the time. I get that. I have the perfect little brother that I would do anything to protect and keep from getting hurt. I am the screw up of the family. The one who can’t get it together. In my mind, I am worth much less to this world than he is. I am, also, much more stress on everyone. 

It doesn’t help that I have chosen a life path that is not the easiest to understand, and that I hold on to excess weight because of a subconscious need for a coat of protection. 

The battles that I fight aren’t always internal, sometimes they are external, and that is actually a sign of progress. I will actually stand up for myself nowadays. I used to be a doormat because I assumed what I was being told during these attacks were true. I always wanted someone to stand up for me, but no one else was going to, so I had to learn to be that person. People were used to me being a doormat, so they didn’t like it when I started fighting back. 

I began to wonder, if people had any idea about the battles I have had to fight on a daily basis since I was a child, if they would stop attacking at the very least out of pity. Unfortunately, I think they preferred me weak and pitiful. The warrior I have had to become has proven to be more difficult and less fun to try to toy with. The attacks still happen, but nowhere near as much as they did when I was younger. It’s still enough to get exhausting and annoying, though. 

Most days, it doesn’t bother me too much. I am used to the day to day battles. Basic functioning under the heavy emotional weight (which is actually heavier than the physical weight, believe it or not) can wear me out quickly, but I keep going. Fighting demons as I walk to class, as I work with the girls, as I socialize with my friends, spend time with my family, while I am actually in class (Being an overweight 35 year old in a room of early 20-somethings can do a number on you if you let it. My battle is one of not letting it.), and when I am home alone. 

I keep music or the TV on a lot of the time that I am home to keep it from getting too quiet. If I’m reading and writing I like it quiet, but even to meditate here at home, I try to have peaceful music on so that I don’t end up on the battlefield of my mind on my way to my happy place. It’s happened many times before.

My depression is not something that I talk about ever to anyone outside of a handful of people in my tight inner circle, my fellow hunters I guess you could call them. I’ve learned that a lot of people outside of those select few are not okay with me having feelings. As a matter of fact before I had them, there was maybe one person at a time in my life that could kind of handle me feeling things sometimes. It was really hard feeling things the way that I do and getting constant feedback that it wasn’t okay. Even if only a tiny pseudo-representation of what I was feeling was expressed it wasn’t okay. So I started writing, and dancing, and singing, and anything that I could find to express something. I even caught flack for that. It was really frustrating. It left me broken for a long time. Not that I am totally put back together, yet, but my soul is getting some of the life back in it. The fire of my passion and fierceness has been rekindled, my emotions flow more freely, and I listen to myself. I let myself feel what I am feeling and I take it from there. Sometimes I just need a day to write, binge watch Psych (as much as I love Supernatural, it can be a trigger on my dark days, Psych is kind of a happy place show for me… I will also watch the Supernatural cast panels that they do, they are hilarious and light hearted…They always make me feel better,too…), burn some candles, meditate, and just have a few good cries and recharge. It’s really nice when these days fall on weekends when I don’t have to be anywhere, but they don’t always. At which point, the battle is extra rough because I have to fight the overwhelming demons while I try to function like a normal human being. This is not always easy, but doable. Luckily, I can often blame it on allergies to keep from dragging anybody into anything, and for the most part, I can reach out to my “fellow hunters” when I need to.”

I have come across some great resources in my healing journey. 

There’s Open Path, which is a program that you can sign up for and see a counselor or therapist for $30-$50 per session. It has been an amazing find for a college student like myself. 

There is also the fantastic community in Jared Padalecki’s Always Keep Fighting Campaign that I mentioned above. The AKF and SPN communities are both full of supportive people, as well as, people that could use support. This is how we come together. A lot of us have been there, and can help each other through.

I highly recommend getting a pet. My new little partner in crime, Misha Acklelecki, has done wonders for me.

I, personally, seek life coaching and/or hypnotherapy along with plenty of other holistic methods of healing at Sphere Innovations. They are a wonderful community of people that, also, offer monthly group meditations and a monthly Reiki share if you live in the North Georgia or Atlanta area.

I am, also, a life coach myself. I am going to school to become a Psychologist. “But you battle depression.” I do. I have for years. I’m still here. I can help because I can empathize. I know how to kill the demons and the monsters because I have been there. I know what it’s like to have days where it’s hard to get out of the bed, get dressed, leave the house, and act like you have your life together. I’ve done it numerous times. I enjoy using what I learn to help other people.

My point being, help is out there. Support is out there. Don’t hesitate to seek it out. You don’t have to endure it alone. There are people you can talk to. Myself being one of them. I go to a counselor because she chose the line of work that involves dealing with my crap. As someone going into the same line of work, let me tell you that you will not be a burden. We want to love you and help you heal. We’re not here to judge. You are not alone.