Caging the Beast

In the wake of Robin Williams death, I have seen an outpouring of love, shock, sadness, and people finding a piece of themselves in his story. People speaking out about their experiences with depression, who are taking this opportunity to help people understand that depression is a real thing. I started to comment on my cousin, Roxee’s, post about the pain of her depression. It started getting pretty long so I decided to make it a blog, because I feel that what I have to say needs to be heard. I will give you a brief look at my depression, but what I think is even more important is what it has taught me.

I have dealt with depression since I was about 5 or 6. I can’t pinpoint exactly what brought it on because there was a lot happening then. I came into this world loving hard, and it didn’t take me long to realize that hurting hard came with that. As, an Indigo kid, I came to this planet with a remembrance of where I came from. So not only was I in a lot of pain growing up that I had learned to bottle up, but I remember how much better things were on the other side. In middle school, it got really hard and I desperately wanted out. Suicidal thoughts ran rampant and I made a few measly attempts that consisted of an attempt to overdose on Tylenol that I found out years later was the equivalent of two prescription strength Tylenols, and sitting in a bathroom with a plastic McDonalds knife for a half hour after which I gave up  because I could barely break the skin. Give me a break, I was 12 and had no idea what I was doing, which I am now grateful for. The suicidal thoughts continued through high school. I had been so convinced that I was useless that I actually remember talking over a plan with God. I wanted to be taken off of the planet before high school graduation. I knew I was going to fail at real life, and if I died then instead of years and years of disappointment, my friends and family would talk about all of the promise I had, and I they know I would have lived up to all of their expectations, if only I had stayed. I knew staying here meant defying all expectations, because I am far from normal, and I tend to dream big, bigger than most of the people around me at the time could understand. The problem with that was I never felt good enough, or worthy enough to chase those dreams until fairly recently. 

I was always alone a lot, I still am, but not as much as I used to be. That gave me way too much time to overthink everything, and for my self talk to get really loud and overwhelming. I tried to numb the pain and quiet my self talk with TV, music, movies, dancing and singing. My mom once told me that the only time I seemed truly happy in middle school was when I was on stage.

Lake Placid was always a good escape from hurting, too. It’s like the pressure was off for a little while, and we just got to play all day. It was always a place where I could find peace and happiness. Even when I was alone there, it was a more peaceful kind of alone.

 

I began therapy around 7 years old, and continued it into my 20’s while I had health insurance. Then I started finding other ways of coping. I found Christianity, and got into the local band scene, which totally fed my love for music. I threw myself into being a fan and friend of a band called Saline (sorry, guys, if you are reading this, I don’t remember what random letters were capitalized. Haha), and then for a band called Crimson Vera. They are all amazing people, and I wanted to somehow, even in a small way be a part of something great. I didn’t know at the time that I was capable of creating greatness, too. I have always had a desire to touch the world, to touch people, to bring happiness, joy and laughter. I just didn’t realize my own power in my life. Live music is still therapeutic to me. I have met so many talented musicians, and made some friends for life in that world. Plus, how many people can say that their favorite musicians know them by name. Haha. It was actually the love, kindness and friendship of one of those musicians that helped me realize my worth. That was when I began to really heal. I had my first Spiritual healing session in 2007. It changed my life. This is when I fell in love with being a healer, and got into metaphysics. I went back every three months for a year and a half until I moved to Georgia, again. I had my own apartment in Florida which gave me plenty of room to heal and grow. My first two years here were kind of chaotic, but once I got into my apartment in Roswell, I was back to healing lifetimes worth hurt in a matter of months. During those first two years I got my Reiki Masters, and began my work as a healer. I have, also, continued to get healing from friends I have made in the metaphysical world.

My healing journey has been a constant one, but I have learned a lot about people in the process. Healing myself and helping others has become a borderline addiction. I love crying it out and then waking up in the morning feeling 30 pounds lighter. Which is weird because I used to hate crying and it was something I would never do in front of people. As a matter of fact, I was really close to the family of the catalyst musician I mentioned earlier. His dad used to make me watch those extreme home makeover shows just to watch me squirm. It would make the whole family giggle. We were close enough that I knew he wasn’t doing it to be mean, just to mess with me. They, also, know that I have a good sense of humor. We just had those tease each other kind of relationships. Nowadays, I’ve cried so much in healing and releasing that I have learned to embrace it. Plus, if you cry around the right people, you get hugs, and I do love hugs. I have found a beauty in letting people be there for me. I thought I was showing weakness before, but I have realized that with the right people, it really can be a beautiful experience. 

Now that you have some background on me, here is what I was going to share with Roxee on Robin Williams and what I have learned on my journey through depression. 

I have gotten feedback from those closest to me, and they tell me that I have characteristics like loving, affectionate, kind, joyful, funny, silly, talented, a good friend, generous and fun. I have been told that I can light up a room. A lot of this is what you will also hear people say about Robin Williams, too. He would walk into a room and it would uplift everyone in the room. This is a part of depression that people don’t always understand. It’s the kind of character that you learn to be because of the pain. People like Robin and I, we have felt pain so deeply that we become the type person that will do anything they can to keep those around us from feeling pain. That’s why we do our best to be joyful, giving, happy and funny. We don’t want you to hurt, and if you do hurt and we can’t take it away completely, then we want to make you forget about it for a little while, at least. One of my best friends pointed out to me not too long ago that I say hi to everyone. I didn’t realize that I did that until she said something. Before I realized what I was saying I responded to her with, “well, you never know who’s having a bad day, or has been feels ignored, neglected or unappreciated.” We want people feeling better when they leave than they did when they walked in. This is the true meaning of beauty from pain. You don’t pass it on, you attempt to alleviate it. I have gotten to a point where I run my depression, it no longer runs me. I have healed a lot, and I will never stop healing. My drive to help myself and others is stronger than it has ever been, which is why I am a finally back in school and studying to be a counselor. 

I have, also, learned, as I mentioned earlier, that when you hurt hard, you can love hard. When you don’t take a risk on letting people in, you block out the good with bad. You have to let yourself be loved, and you have to let yourself love. Your self talk is key here, and you have control over it. Yell “NO!” at it and change it to something positive. Your self talk is your belief system, and a belief is just a thought that you keep thinking. So if you think a new thought, and just keep thinking it, it will become a belief. Also, remember that “I am” is a powerful phrase because what you put after it is what you create. It’s the basics of the Law of Attraction. Don’t focus on what you don’t want or don’t have because you will attract more of that. Focus on what you do want and be grateful for what you do have, so that you can attract the life you do want.

We should all strive to be love. If you are someone who does not suffer from depression, then please don’t try to discredit those who do. It is real, and it can be dangerous if untreated. Emotional pain doesn’t leave scars you can see with the naked eye, but if you take a deeper look with your heart you will see that the damage is real and the wounds need to be tended to. We all need love, and we have it in abundance, so give it away as much as you can because you will never run out. Our journeys are our own, and they are all going to look different, and that’s okay. Just love anyway. Allow people to heal on their terms. What worked for you may not work for them, so just listen and find out what it is that they need. 

If you do happen to be someone who struggles with depression, please make sure you are talking to someone who can help you. You need to know that you are not alone, and you are worth helping. You are loved, just look around and feel it. Those who love you may not know how to help you, so you have to speak up and fight for yourself. Fight for your right to be free of the pain and torment. You can get there. It can happen. You are worth it. If you don’t know where to get help then call me or write to me and I will do what I can to help. Even if you just need an ear to hear or a shoulder to cry on (I am one of those people that will hug you if you are crying around me, by the way). You are here for a reason, and sometimes you have to cage the beast so you can really see and understand your purpose. It’s there. Don’t give up. It may not be easy, but it will be worth it. Trust me.

Lots of Love and Light to all of you. 

Pass around some love today.