“We don’t fail in our lives, we only fail in our minds.”
I heard this in today’s message at the metaphysical church I attend. I had never heard this before, and I have to admit, it really got me to thinking. It got me to thinking about my thinking. Especially my old thinking.
I remember when I was in high school. Despite the people who were mean to me I did have friends. I had no bills, money from working at the jet ski shop, and a stage. All I had to do was stick around, it was all right there.
In this contentment was a lot of fear. I had been convinced that I was a useless and worthless and bound to fail at life. This fear was so big that I secretly hoped some sort of tragedy would take my life before graduation. That way those around me could live out my life in their minds how each one of them would have wanted me to be. Through their imaginations, I could have done great things, but left to my own vices I would fail. I would have to live with the fact that, even though they expected me to fail, they would all be disappointed that I actually did live up to their expectations of failure.
In the eyes of many, including myself, I had been a failure after high school. Totaling cars, quitting college, working all kinds of different jobs, moving every 2-3 years between Florida and Georgia, having trouble with my jobs, having a hard time keeping up with finances, putting on weight, and doomed to be single, nothing seemed to be working out. Anytime I would try to move forward I would get talked out it. As if my own fear of my failure wasn’t bad enough, I had to listen to everyone else’s, as well.
Finally, in 2006, I broke free of it. I was making decent money and my Dad and my aunt helped me get into my first apartment in South Florida, and I’ve never looked back. Coming into my own was huge for me. Getting to be who I am and see what I could do brought on a lot of growth, empowerment and healing. Not only did I feel like I could actually be successful at life, I was already doing it. It wasn’t long before I really came into my own power. The more I grew and healed, the more empowered I became. The more empowered I became, the more I began to get excited about what was coming next.
When I moved back to Georgia, I came here with a new nanny position. That job, and that family, changed my life. I am no longer capable of having a job that I don’t love. Not only that, but I am beginning to build my own business for my healings and workshops. I have great dreams of changing the world, and I know that I can achieve them, even though the closer I get to the dream the bigger it expands. It is time for me to live my purpose.
These dreams are what got me back in college in 2011. I am currently a psychology major working towards my A.S. then moving to get my B.A. in New Media Arts with a minor in Psychology. Masters program after that? Probably.
I can now look back at everything I went through and everything I was feeling, and see it as an experience I needed to be able to accomplish what I am here to do.
Did I mention I was diagnosed as an A.D.D. Dyslexic in middle school? Did I mention that it was meant to be carried with the stigma of “there’s something wrong with me”? I had a hard time with the traditional government school system. When that happens, it means there is something wrong with you. Something that was conveniently left out that I found out almost 15 years after the testing......My IQ is above average. Why would no one tell me that part?
Of course, I have learned since then that the A.D.D. and dyslexia have more to do with me being an Indigo Child than with something being wrong with me. Indigos come in to the world with a remembrance of where we came from and tend to be in more than one dimension at any particular time. Hence, the A.D.D. diagnosis. I’m rarely, if ever, fully here on this plane. Which would explain the fact that I would be writing scripts for the scenarios going on in my mind while I was pretending to take notes.
Many times I think to myself, if I knew then what I know now, the great things I could have done sooner. At the same time, the timing makes sense. I wouldn’t realize the need for empowerment for kids with learning differences had I not experienced what I had experienced. I would not have the heart and passion to be on the path that I am meant to be on. I wouldn’t have made the great friends I have made along the way. There are people in my life that would not be there had I finished school the first time around, and not gone back to school when I did. I can see the purpose in everything now. I can see everything as an experience that is bringing me to something greater. I now see what I once saw as failures, as experiences. Forcing me forward or rerouting my path.
Are there still people that think of me as a failure? Sure. Most of them have learned to keep it to themselves, though. They know I won’t tolerate listening to it. I know my life doesn’t look anything like someone might imagine when they are holding their child in their arms for the first time. I have not been a traditional girl, nor have I been one to follow any particular set of rules about who or what I should be. I tried everyone else’s path, and it didn’t work. I am getting much farther and am much happier on my own path. I know I may not be what anyone expected, but I am me. I am who I am. I heal so that I can become more me, more who I am meant to be. However, on this enlightened path, never will I be any less me.
