With all the recent talk about bullying and these poor kids who were bullied to death, I feel the need to speak out.
I was a victim of bullying and as tough as it was at school, it was worse when I got home. My best friend who lived across the street was my only safe place for a long time. When he moved away, the hopelessness I felt was unbearable. I felt so useless and ugly and completely worthless. I didn’t do much because I never did it right. I scraped by in school and settled for less than mediocrity. I was convinced it was the best I could do. I loved performance and musical theater, so that I did. Not well, but I had a lot of heart, so if I didn’t make a group I wanted to be in I attempted to fight my way in. Sometimes successfully, sometimes not so successfully. It became the only thing in my life worth fighting for, which was why it was so heartbreaking to me if I didn’t make it. Not a day went by that I wasn’t reminded how fat I was, even at 140 lbs after a summer of Fen Fen. When I wasn’t fat, I was stupid, didn’t dress well enough, needed to wear make up, was laughed at, called an idiot, made fun of for being different. It didn’t seem to end. I was even told I shouldn’t be on stage with all of the skinny girls, I was going to stick out like a sore thumb. Screw the fact that on stage was the only time I was ever kind of happy. Especially after losing my only safe place. I became suicidal, luckily, I was too naive and my attempts were sad ones. I was too chicken to go big, I guess.
I am grateful now that I got through it because the bullies don’t even matter anymore. It took me a lot of time and a lot of healing, and I’m no where near finished, yet. I’ve accepted the fact that I am a capable person. I have gifts and talents, and even though it took years to discover, I am finding my purpose.
I start back to school in January at the age of 31. It was so incredibly freeing to allow myself to be who I am, and not who anyone else “needs” or “wants” me to be. In that, I have found my dream job, a great place of my own, great friends, a great life of my own, an incredible spiritual path that came with an incredible spiritual family.
As I became more comfortable and secure in myself, my relationship with my father was transformed. What was a fear based relationship became an unconditionally loving relationship. Still having trouble with the other parent, though. I was kind of her bitch for many years, so she’s not liking the new, stronger me that’s no longer allowing her to hold me back and tell me all of the things I can’t do. That’s a whole other blog, though.
I’ve had relationships end due to me becoming a stronger person, but there again, these were “friends” who much preferred the former doormat version of myself. I have lovingly released those people which made room for the more-amazing-than-I-could-have-ever-even-asked-for people I am currently surrounded by.
Victims of bullying: I want you to know that YOU are NOT the one with the problem. There is nothing wrong with you. The person bullying you is doing so because there is something wrong with him/her that is getting projected onto you. Bully’s happen because of pressure that is put onto them and/or their own pain and insecurities. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!! See it for what it is. It’s not about you. Get help. Find help. There are people you may not even know that love you. There are even people that you do know and just have no idea how much they love you and care about you. There is always hope and love somewhere waiting for you.
Bullies: Think about what you are doing. What if one of the people you are bullying kills themselves. Then you will have to live with their blood on your hands for the rest of your life. That would make you a murderer. Get help before it’s too late. Choose LOVE. You never know what or who you could be missing out on.
CHOOSE LOVE!!!
